Monday, February 15, 2010

Here you go. An incredibly long episode of DCA. :D HILARIOUS, too.

[cut to a dark room; Echo, the Dark/Fly chao, is there]
Echo: Boss, I am now submitting my status report...
[he appears to be the only one in there]
Echo: Our subject, the green Dark chao called "Shadow," has gotten to Ravenholm. He is stranded amidst the zombies.
Echo: Yes, the other three are with him. The ones called "Dark," "Shade," and "Red." By the way...
[Echo clears his throat]
Echo: Are we... are we actually gonna give him the green Chaos Drive as a reward for assasinating Eggman?
Echo: Ah. I see.
[fade to black]

Season 7: The End
Episode Sixty-one: FEAR part three: Well, I WOULD Walk Five Hundred Miles (but We've Got a Car Now)

[cut to a static shot of an old town at nighttime]
["FEAR (Still Waiting for Half-Time)" appears at the top of the screen]
[at the left side: New game, Load Game, Options, Quit]
[a mouse cursor clicks "Load Game," then "Save Game 01"]
Chapter 6: "Dead Ravenhell" (part 2) Tagline: It Doesn't End Well
[cut to the old mining town of Ravenholm in future Europe, at approximately 2 AM]
[the four chao (Shade, Dark, Red, and Shadow) are gathered in a room, safe from the zombies outside]
[the chao stare at the door in front of them as they hear noises coming from beyond]
[Shadow looks at Shade, who looks back, and nods]
[Shadow slowly steps up to the door, and opens it]
[it leads to a dark hallway within an old house]
[Shadow turns to look at the others; they gesture for him to move on]
[he starts moving through the dark hallway, and hears heavy footsteps coming from above]
[he stops in fear as they run down an apparent staircase, and towards the door in front of him]
?: (muffled) Subject last seen in saferoom beyond this door.
Shadow: Shi--
[BASH! the door in front of him is knocked down]
[Shadow turns and runs back to the saferoom]
?: THERE HE IS! After him!
[he runs into the saferoom, and quickly closes the door; he then barricades it]
Red: Who's out there?
Shadow: No idea!
Shadow: Over my dead body!
[they hear guns being loaded]
Shadow: Um.. on second thought, lemme get the door for you.
[Shadow opens the door; a bright light shines into the saferoom, blinding them from seeing who the antagonist is]
[Shadow covers his eyes; some arms grab him, and pull him out; the saferoom door is closed]
Red: Whaaa?!
Shade: They took Shadow?!
[Shade grabs Dark, then slaps him]
Shade: Get ahold of yourself!
Dark: You're right... Shadow wouldn't want me to be freaking out. Not.. when he was alive...
Red: Um.. he's probably still alive.
Dark: SILENCE, NONBELIEVER! You weren't there, man! You.. you just weren't there!
Red: What are you talking about? I was there.
Dark: It was CRAZY, man... they were, like... blinding me, and yet.. blinding my MIND... it was freaky.
Red: I..
Dark: You don't have the war experience I do, newb.
Red: But I DO--
Red: Um..
Dark: GO!
[cut to Shadow] is blackness. Not a room, but just... a void.
The only sight is a faint green wave, traveling throughout the void.
Where am I?
"Shadow..... Shadow......"
Who is there?
"It is I, Shadow..... the one you call 'Echo.'"
"Vraiment, monsieur."
What's up with the text? Why.. why is everything in this strange format?
"Yes, um.. sorry about that. We're just trying some experiments."
Experiments? Of what sort?
"Nunyabusiness, of THAT sort."
Well.. what did you want me for?
"You're going in the wrong direction, for starters."
Oh, I am? I.. I don't even know where Eggman IS.
"Eggman? Foolish chao! We do not want EGGMAN..."
Well.. what DO you want? I have no clue at all! You never really told me.
"All in good time."
That's what you've always said! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
"All.. in good...... time."

"Boss, this format is not quite working."
"Boss, please call off the experiment."
"Boss, it is hard to tell who's talking."
Enough. Send the chao back.

[cut to Ravenholm; Shade and Dark are talking about a plan; Red is standing in the corner]
Shade: So I was thinking you could spiral down there, jump up and down like a monkey, and bite their brains out.
Dark: Got it! C'mon, let's go!
[Shade and Dark run out the door; Red reluctantly follows]
[they leave the building (finally), and hear someone fighting zombies nearby]
[they then proceed to clear all the zombies, and discover a grey fox with red eyes]
?: Oh, thank you.. so much. I thought I was a goner.
Shade: Wait just a darn-tootin' minute. You're... Dark Tails, aren't you? Former Poker Gang member?
DT: Yes... that's me.
Red: What happened, dude? Were you kicked out?
DT: No. The guys all thought I didn't fit in.. plus, they already had a Tails clone, so I decided to leave, myself.
Dark: You got kicked out.
DT: I.. I didn't, no!
Dark: yea u mad
Shade: yea he mad
DT: Okay, fine, so they kicked me out. I just spent some time on Earth as the mascot for the Atlanta Fox Guy Men.
Shade: Then one day, you woke up in the future, in Europe?
DT: Precisely, yes.
Shade: Well, um.. listen, we've just lost our gravity gunman, who was our most essential man, so.. you wanna join us?
DT: Where are you going?
Shade: We're trying to get to the coast.
DT: Uh.. sure, I can help.
[Your new member can fly you out of dangerous situations if you press C-Down.]
[He has a mean Headbonk attack, and can Tattle his way to freedom.]
Red: Can you really do all that?
DT: No. Now, let's get going! I believe the church is a military evac station.
Shade: Oh, yeah. Missus Rose told us to meet her there.
DT: Oh, she did?
Shade: Yeah. Why?
DT: reason. To the church, then!
[they begin moving through the mining town of Ravenholm]
[they move into a town square, and hear shrill shrieks from all directions]
Shade: Brace yourselves. We got a horde.
[they shoot some zombeez]
Dark: Pipe out!
[Dark throws a pipe bomb; it beeps n stuff and distracts the zombies; they run towards it]
[...BOOM! Dead.]
DT: Ack! Uck... urp...
[Red shoots the Smoker that is constricting Dark Tails, letting him free]
[BWAAAAAAAAAARG--wait, no, not yet. Moohoohaahaa.]
[they just.. spend some more time shooting and shooting]
[eventually, the horde lets up]
[They were vomited on by a really, really fat guy. ..And by a Boomer.]
All: Ugh! Ew!
Shade: Here come the zombies!
[the vomit attracts the zombies, so.. budda budda]
[one eventually later, the zombies finally cease. exist]
AmyF: You sure murderalized those zombies up real nice. Men after my own heart!
[Amy is standing on a rooftop above them]
AmyF: I must say, you've been doing such a nice job so far that I want to give you a present.
Dark: I like prezzies.
AmyF: Then I shall give it to YOU, cutie-pie!
Dark: Yay!
[Dark is then hit in the head with a shotgun]
Dark: mah favorite *equips shotgun*
AmyF: Keep traveling, friends. The church is close, yet not so much so.
[Amy leaves]
DT: Dang. You were right.
Red: She seems to have gone crazy.
Shade: Indeed. Is everyone alright? Nobody needs healing?
Dark: I got a shotgun. :3
Shade: ...yeah, let's just keep moving, then.
[they head forward]
[a few puzzles and crazy mazes of corridors and streets later, and a couple hordes later, they reach a rooftop]
[next to the rooftop is a large cliff; atop the cliff is a church]
[Amy Rose is outside the church, by a large lever; the lever is connected to a cart/pulley system that connects to the roof]
DT: Okay, I think I can guess what's gonna happen here.
AmyF: KAY SO IMMA GUNNA SEND THE CART OVER FOR YA! Protect yourselves, strangers!
[Amy pulls the lever; the cart begins moving towards them very slowly, and very loudly]
Shade: Alright, guys.. defend yourselves. We got ourselves a Crescendo Event.
[thousands of screams are heard coming from downtown]
Red: We.. we should be safe, right? I mean... zombies can't climb buildings.
[Shade looks at him]
Red: ...can they?
[Shade grabs Red's assault rifle, and hands it back to him]
Red: *sigh* Oh, boy.
[they see hordes and hordes of zombies rushing towards the rooftop]
Dark: I have an idea.
[Dark places a stereo behind them]
Dark: See, I just had a brainfart. I realized that Rubber Goose can't save us here, but... Dethklok can.
Shade: Beautiful! Now you're thinking with Left 4 Dead, Half-Life, AND Rock Band!
Dark: And Cartoon Network. Okay, let's hit it!
[Dark hits "Play" on the stereo]
[the zombies rush the building, and being climbing]
[Shade mouths "Here they come..."]
[Dark loads his shotgun]
[Red reloads his gun]
[Shade clenches his crowbar]
[Dark Tails loads a pistol he happened to have]
[Shade mouths "ATTACK!"]
[the zombies reach the rooftop, and are immediately shot and/or bludgeoned]
[a Smoker grabs Shade with its long tongue]
[a Hunter pounces on Dark Tails]
[a Boomer vomits on all four of them]
[Dark gets mad!]
[Dark shoots the smoker, freeing Shade]
[Shade inserts his crowbar deep into the Hunter's skull, freeing Dark Tails]
[the three shove the Boomer off the rooftop]
[Shade looks around, then mouths "Red?"]
[he looks back, and realizes that Red had tried jumping to the cart, but fell, and was now clinging to the ledge of the roof]
[Shade shouts "RED," then runs to his aid]
[he pulls him up, but the ground begins to shake]
[in the distance, they see a large, muscular zombie charging their way]
[Red, Dark Tails, and Dark all try to kill it from a distance as it comes their way]
[it's no use]
[the Tank reaches the square in which the building they're standing on is located]
[it charges its way through the hordes of zombies, then reaches the base of the building]
[it begins its ascent]
[the four attempt to kill it by any means necessary]
[it reaches about halfway]
[budda budda budda budda]
[the Tank reaches the rooftop]
[budda budda DODGE]
[BLAAAM! The Tank falls off the roof, and dies]
Thunder, Thunder...
[the cart is close]
Thunder, Thunder, Thunder...
[more and more zombies approach]
[they get close, and close-quarters-combat is required]
[Dark Tails becomes overwhelmed]
[Dark stands in front of a ton of zombies, having just blasted the crap out of some of them]
[they are mad now]
[the cart arrives]
[Shade mouths, "GO, GO, GO!!!"]
[they dash into the cart; Dark pulls the handbrake, letting them go back (much faster)]
[as they leave, the zombies get to the stereo, and destroy it, ending the music]
[they all pant for a few seconds]
[long pause]
DT: ....****!
Red: My thoughts exactly.
Shade: Ditto.
Dark: Are we there yet?
[they reach the church, and jump out of the cart]
AmyF: Ah, excellent! You survived the ordeal, strangers.
Shade: Yes, just barely.
AmyF: Alright, well... *smooch* congrats! Now, I'll help you get out of here.
Red: Friggin' finally.
[Amy glares at Red]
AmyF: Hun, would you mind coming into the church to talk to me privately?
Red: Um... okay..
[Amy grabs Red, and drags him into the church]
[about half an hour later, they come back out]
Shade: Dude, Red, you smell like blood! What happened?
Red: ...*urp*.....I.. I fell.
AmyF: Right, then! No more outbursts like that, kay, sweetie?
Red: Y-yes, ma'am...
AmyF: I mean, I have plenty of tape... and I wuff using tape. >:D
Red: I obey, ma'am! Please, no more tape...
AmyF: Good boy. Now, follow me!
[Amy leads them into a cemetary]
AmyF: Tread lightly, boys... for this is hallowed ground.
Shade: In other words, a Gauntlet Finale?
AmyF: More than that, my friends. 'Tis a three-part Gauntlet Finale. Enjoy, sweetums!
Shade: Wait, wait, wait... aren't you gonna take us through the cemetary first?
AmyF: No. Why would I?
Shade: 'Cause.. in the game...
AmyF: What game?
Shade: ..never mind, ma'am.
AmyF: Tara!
[Amy leaves]
Red: Best do as she says. Let's go.
DT: I'm with you.
[they begin moving through the cemetary, and are immediately swarmed by zombies]
Shade: Okay, seriously, why are we always fighting the Infected? Why can't we fight the good ol' headcrab zombies?
[suddenly, the zombies stop moving, and look at each other]
[they then disappear]
DT: Whoa. That was odd.
[thousands of headcrab zombies appear, instead]
Shade: Me and my big mouth.
[the Fearsome Foursome move onward, into the cemetary]
Red: "Fearsome Foursome?"
[Dark blasts some heads with his big ol' shotty]
DT: Gee, there sure are a lot of zombies around here...
Shade: We're in a cemetary.
DT: Good point.. and well made.
[budda budda budda]
[whack smack raaawr]
[they move onward through the cemetary, very slowly, killing all the zombies and headcrabs they can]
[eventually, they reach an elevated platform, and climb atop it, seeking salvation from the slaughter]
[high-pitched squealing is heard coming from the distance]
[Shade looks around attentively]
Red: What is it now?
Shade: I hear... I hear....... a...
[a skinny, mutilated, and no-skin headcrab zombie dashes and leaps towards them]
Dark: FIRE!
[budda budda budda]
[the fast zombie dies]
Red: Dark Tails, can you try something risky?
DT: Such as?
Red: Shoot those barrels over there.
DT: You mean the ones labelled "DANGER: Explosive?"
Red: Those are the ones.
[zombie death cries]
Shade: Okay, we have an opening. That explosion killed a ton of 'em, but more will come, so RUN NOW!
[they dash forward, past all the dead zombies, and find a locked gate]
[beyond the gate is a large building]
[oh, and tons of zombies are approaching]
Shade: ****.
Red: What's up?
Shade: Gate's locked.
Red: Well, can't ya open it?!
Shade: Not a chance. Only Amy can.
Red: Can't ya TRY?!
Shade: I guess...
Shade: ****!!!
[a purple zombie, covered in three black headcrabs, limps its way closer to them]
Shade: Poison zombie! Poison headcrabs knock your HP down to 1, so the other headcrabs and/or zombies can easily kill you.
Dark: Doesn't the poison dude also throw its little guys at you?
[the poison zombie tosses one of its three poison headcrabs at them]
All: AAHH!
DT: You three! Take care of the zombies, but stay near the gate.
[Dark Tails tosses his pistol aside, and pulls out a BFG 2000]
[he then proceeds to charge into the crowd of zombies, looking for something]
Dark: Where the heck is HE going?
Shade: I think he's looking for the switch that opens this gate.
[the gate opens]
Red: Hey, he found it!
Red: Shade, c'mon, he's right. We need to go.
[Red pulls Shade along through the gate; it slams shut, leaving Dark Tails in the cemetary with the zombies]
[Shade, Dark, and Red stand atop a small hill, watching Dark Tails fight back the zombies]
[some explosive barrels explode, setting fire to the place]
Red: Shade, we'd best keep moving.
Shade: *stares at the cemetary*'re right.
[they turn and head into the building]
[as they walk inside, Dark Tails is heard laughing maniacally amidst the roars of countless zombies]
[fade to black]
[cut to inside the building; all that's inside is an incredibly deep mineshaft]
Red: Well, here we are... part two of the three-part finale.
Shade: Pfft, yeah, if you put it in Left 4 Dead terms. We're in Half-Life 2, remember?
Dark: INTO THE MINE SHAFT! *leaps into shaft*
Red: ....he's dead, isn't he?
Shade: Oh, yeah.
Red: Should we go retrieve the body?
Shade: Might as well.
[Shade and Red begin descending into the mine shaft]
Shade: It'll be a long way before we reach the ground. Whaddya wanna talk about?
Red: I dunno. What do YOU wanna talk about?
Shade: The Dark Garden. I wanna know what happened to it while I was gone.
Red: Well... as we said, Chao took over.
Shade: Yeah, but... does that mean, when we return, everything's gonna be all cloudy n' crap?
Red: No.
[Red turns his head away from Shade]
Red: Look... Shade...... the gardens...
Shade+Red: Dark?!
Dark: Guys, it's weird down here! Drop down!
Shade: ...I trust him. *drops*
Red: Oh, but...! Ohhhhh, fine. *drops*
[down in the mines, everything is....... weird.]
Shade: Ew, what the heck did we just land in?
Red: It feels like... water.
Shade: This sure as crap ain't water, dude.
Dark: Guys? It smells like poo down here.
Shade: Poo? .......can't be.
Red: Can't be what, Shade?
Shade: Anybody got a match?
[someone lights a match]
Shade: Thanks. ...oh, geez, no way...
[all around them, the walls, ceiling, and floor... it's all poo]
Shade: No... no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! Impossible!
Shadow: What's impossible, Shade?
Shade: ...well, first of all, you're impossible.
[the camera turns to show Shadow (the chao, who else?) holding the match]
Red: Whoa! Dude! How'd you...
Shadow: I have no idea.
Dark: We thought you'd be gone forever! You missed out on all the fun!
Shadow: Judging from the look on Shade's face, I'd say the fun's just beginning.
Shade: You could say that, yes.
Shadow: *sniff sniff* ...could we discuss things somewhere where it doesn't smell this bad?
Shade: I fear that, if this is what I think it is, it's best I explain it now.
Shadow: Fine. Where are we?
Shade: In terms of Half-Life 2, we're in the mines below Ravenholm.
Red: That's where I THOUGHT we were.
Shadow: Alright, Shade... I'll bite. Where are we OUTSIDE those terms?
Shade: In Poo Mountain.
Dark: I take it this place is nowhere near as fun as it sounds.
Shade: Dark, it's about as fun as it smells.
Shadow: Just give us the short version, please. I don't want to spend more time here than necessary.
Shade: In the next room, we're gonna fight a boss. Throw projectiles down his throat when he starts singing.
Shadow: That ****'s pretty vague.
Shade: Yes, but you just filled in most of the blanks.
Shadow: Wha? How--oh.
Red: Can we.. can we get out of this room before I gag?
Shade: Try not to let it get to you, Red. It's gonna get worse. Let's go.
[they begin plopping through the "mud" into a large cavern]
Shade: Yup, I was right.
Shadow: Shade, if I may?
Shade: You may.
Shadow: I have a brilliant idea. Let's... y'know, NOT bring this gent some sweet corn.
Shade: Absurd! I like the way you're thinking.
[the chao run through the cavern]
Shade: ...oh, yeah.
Shadow: What?
Shade: The only way out is to beat the boss. He would then break open this window, right here, which would help us get out.
Dark: Leave this to me.
[Dark smashes his head into the window; it breaks open]
Shade: Or we could do that. Right. Well, now, we simply flush this toilet flusher thing.
[they do that]
Shade: Yeah, but.. we REALLY wanna get out of here. It smells a bit too pooey for us.
Shade: Yeah, yeah, I know, Wizard of Oz parody... bye!
Shade: ...he's dead now.
Red: What, exactly, were we fighting?
Shade: A big pile of poop.
Red:'re kidding.
[Shade looks at him]
Red: ......glad we skipped it.
Shadow: That wasn't in Half-Life 2, was it?
Shade: Of course not. The Great Mighty Poo is from Conker's Bad Fur Day.
[suddenly, things start to go static-y]
Shade: Well, ain't THAT good news?
[the static clears, and leaves the chao in an actual mine; there is light at the end of the tunnel in front of them]
[they dash towards the light, and finally leave the mines]
[they find themselves at a train track; a train has toppled on one side, leaving only one direction]
[also, it's now about... 9, 10 AM? Daybreak.]
Dark: There's only one direction in the faces that I see.
Shade: It's upwards, to the ceiling, where the chamber's set to be. Okay, enough Genesis; let's keep going.
[they walk along the train tracks for a while before Shade stops them]
Shadow: What's up, Shade?
Shade: Shh. Just watch.
[they see a headcrab in front of them]
Shadow: It's just a headc--
Shade: Hush.
[the headcrab sees them, and starts moving towards them]
[a blue line (off of some type of weapon) aims at the headcrab]
Shadow: Oh. Yeah, that.. that just about answers it.
Shadow: Snipers. How far left 'til we're clear of them?
Shade: Quite a bit. It's not too long of a railroad, but we haven't quite reached Shorepoint yet.
Shadow: Shorepoint?
Shade: A little rebel outpost by the shore.
Red: Wait, wait, wait... we're going to the shore?
Shadow: Apparently so.
Shade: ...okay, c'mon, let's run!
[Shade dashes across the tracks, and hides behind another train that's up ahead]
[he looks back at them, and gestures for them to follow]
[the other three dash across to him]
[Shade peeks around the train car (okay, not even I know what I'm talking about anymore)]
Shadow: You see anything?
Shade: No.. nothing at all.
[a sniper aiming thingy aims at all four of 'em somehow]
Shade:, crap.
[they run through the rest of the train tracks, trying to dodge most of the gunshots directed at them]
[eventually, the snipers cease and the chao encounter the full-fledged badnik ARMY!]
[these particularly guys are the chao-shaped footsoldiers, equipped with AR2s (better version of an assault rifle)]
Red: Whoa. Shade... Shade, these guys are shaped like us.
Shade: Damn, they ARE! Let's take 'em down, first.
[budda budda budda WHACK]
[Red grabs an AR2]
Dark: These robo guys scare me...
Red: Interesting. They appear to be based on.. baby Dark chao?
Shade: Wha? You're kidding.
Red: Hey, it's what I see.
Shade: Hm. Just what the heck is Eggman up to?
[Shade ponders for a moment]
Shadow: We won't be able to figure it out just from standing here, Shade. We've gotta keep moving.
Shade: You're right. I mean, I'm pretty sure we've made it to Shorepoint by now.
Dark: I hear they're evacuating civvies from the city there.
Shade: No, we're... out of Left 4 Dead now, Dark-o.
Dark: Oh.
[they walk on a little longer, then find a bunch of robochao guys invading a warehouse]
[Shade gestures for the other three to follow him behind the robochao]
[they sneak into the warehouse, and see the robochao surrounding a group of rebel chao]
[...oh, by "Rebel Chao," I meant chao who happen to be rebels. :P]
Chao1: What do you guys want with us?
Robo1: All citizens must obey herr Doktor.
Chao2: **** off! You guys are ruining the Earth!
Robo1: Resistance is futile. These claims are biased.
Chao1: "Improving?" You're draining the oceans!
Robo1: End discussion.
[Shade whacks the second robot from behind with his crowbar; it falls over]
Shade: GET 'EM!
[the rebels take this cue to attack the robots]
[budda budda dodge boom bang]
[eventually, they defeat all the robots]
Rebel1: Gee, thanks a lot for the help, guys. We were goners for a second there.
Shade: No prob.
Shadow: What were those robot things?
Rebel1: We've heard tale of them... the Badnik Army's version of a SWAT team. Chao and metal combined. ...the CHAOBINE.
Ourfourheroes: "Chaobine..?"
Rebel1: Enough about that, though. Status report! Who's hurt?
Rebel3: Winston's been hit.
Rebel1: Oh, no! Not Winston!
Shadow: Who's Winston?
Rebel1: Beats me. Hey, you're Shadow, ain't ya? Yeah... an' this guy's Shade, right?
Shade: That's us.
Rebel1: Oh, no way! Wonderful! And you two are Dark n' Red?
Dark: Yo.
Red: Hello.
Rebel1: Alright, well, we've got another Shade on the radio; he wants to speak to you.
Shadow: That'll be future Shade, or... okay, PRESENT Shade, technically.
[the rebel leads them into another room, and shows them the radio]
Rebel1: Hey, Shade, we're back, and we have Shadow and the other guys with me!
ShadeFRadio: Shadow? Kid, that you?
Shadow: Yes, it's me. Shade, Red, and Dark are here, too.
ShadeFR: Good. Good. Listen, uh.. I've got some good news, and I've got some bad news.
ShadeFR: *chuckle* No, Dark. It turns out.. Cham's been taken hostage by the Badniks.
Shadow: *gulp* He... he has?
ShadeFR: I'm afraid so. He's been taken to Novella Prospekt.
Shadow: I know I'm gonna regret asking, but... what's Novella Prospekt? And where is it?
ShadeFR: We don't know much other than what some chao have reported, but what we know isn't good.
Shadow: Yup, I'm gonna regret it.
ShadeFR: It's... basically, a prison, but we know it's much worse than that.
Shadow: Alright... and where is this place?
ShadeFR: It's pretty far from Shorepoint; I can tell you that. About... six, eight plus hours by car.
[Shadow's pupils shrink]
Shadow: You're kidding me.
ShadeFR: Not at all.
Shadow: And we don't have a car, do we?
ShadeFR: That's the good news.
Shadow: Oh, well THAT'S a relief!
ShadeFR: I bet it is. Look, I'll meet up with you in Novella Prospekt's train platform.
Shadow: So THAT'S where the trains were going...
ShadeFR: Yeah. Okay, see you then.
[the radio turns to static]
Rebel1: So there ya go. We're gassin' the car up for ya right now, but first, lemme show you what you're up against.
[the rebel shows them a large road map]
[the roads are a coastal highway, and the map encompasses about... three towns and a bridge or two]
Red: ****.
Shadow: Took the word right outta my mouth.
Rebel1: If you stick to this highway, here... you should pass through New Little Oddyssey and Lighthouse Cliff Place.
Don't worry, they've got rebels stationed there. Anyway, just stick to that highway, and... you'll be fine.
Radio: Car's filled.
Rebel1: Perfect timing! C'mon, let's introduce you to your car.
[the rebel leads them through a door]
Chapter 7: The Highway to Hell has the Best Beaches in the World
Red: Sheesh, that was an incredibly long chapter, wasn't it?
Shade: I know. I mean, I think DJay may have misjudged the size of this game, and the size of his love for it.
Shadow: What are you guys talking about?
Shade: Nuthin'.
[through the door was a dock, but instead of water below them... they see shore]
Dark: I see sea shells down by that thar sea shore.
Rebel4: Mornin', boys! Car's all ready for you.
[a rebel operating a crane drops off the car on the dock in front of them]
Shadow: Whoa, this is a really nice car!
[it's an Aston Martin DB9]
Shade: Huh. I guess the Veteran's Committee isn't as bad as I thought.
Shadow: ...who's driving?
Shade: You.
Red: You.
Dark: You.
Shadow: ..........oh.
Shade: I may as well take shotgun, so I can easily take control of the wheel before you drive us off a cliff.
Shadow: Yeah, please do that.
[they have their seats in the car]
[the rebel crane person picks up the car again, and prepares to lower it onto the shore]
Rebel4: Damn magnet's failing... hold on...
[suddenly, the car is dropped, upside-down, onto the sand]
Rebel4: Sorry, guys!
Shadow: Oh, snap. *sigh* Let me handle this.
[Shadow climbs out of the car, and flips the car over with the gravity gun]
Shadow: ....what was that?
[he turns around, and sees a GIANT FREAKING ALIEN BUG THING]
[Shadow dives into the car, and hits the gas]
Red: What? What is it?
Shadow: Giant freaking alien bug things!
Shade: They're called antlions.
Shadow: Well, whatever they're called, they're FREAKY!
Shade: Can't argue with that. Take a left.
Shadow: Oh, sorry. *left turn*
Shade: Up this ramp. Now, see that fallen bridge up ahead?
Shadow: Yeah.
Shade: Hit the turbo.
Shadow: The turbo?
Shade: Yeah, the turbo.
Shadow: Um... okay.... the turbo...
Shade: You can hit it now, you know.
Shadow: I know... uh....... turbo....
Shade: Don't tell me you can't find the turbo?
[they fly off the ramp, and crash down to the ground]
Shade: Ahhh.... NOOO! The beautiful Aston Martin... NOOO!
[Dark pats Shade on the back]
Dark: It'll be okay, Shade... it's in a better place now.
Shade: *sniff* You're.. you're right. Thanks.
Dark: Or, rather... it's in the SAME place, but now it's got a mangled engine!
Shadow: ...thanks, Dark. C'mon, Shade. C'mon. It'll be okay.
[Shadow leads Shade out of the car; Red and Dark follow]
[they go back to Shorepoint]
Rebel1: You trashed our car? Nah, it's fine, I mean.. it was the only Aston Martin DB9 left in this dystopian future, but...
Shadow: I'm really sorry. It didn't have a turbo.
Rebel1: You mean the button that's labelled "turbo," right next to the indicator?
Shade: Told you it had one.
Rebel1: Whatever. We've got a feasable replacement for you.
[cut to a close-up of Shade's face, pouting, later on]
Shade: You just HAD to go and break the DB9, didn't you? You just HAD to not see the turbo button.
Shadow: Calm down, Shade. I'm sure we'll have lots of great adventures in this car.
Shade: Yeah, no, I feel a LOT better knowing that, instead of a DB9, WHICH YOU BROKE, we can have WONDERFUL adventures...
[the camera zooms out, revealing a rather large, red car]
Shadow: Hey, what's so bad about it? I kinda like it. It's... home-y.
Shade: You mean it's big.
Shadow: Ye--no! No. It's.. got a roomy feel to it.
Shade: Yeah, that's because it's big.
Shadow: Well, at least I can find the turbo button.
Shade: In the one car that you wouldn't WANT to find it in.
[they drive along the highway for a little bit]
Red: Shadow, I have a question for you.
Shadow: Yes?
Red: What are you gonna do when you've killed Eggman?
Shadow: I'll... probably wait for the Veteran's Committee to give me another job.
Red: Why are you working for them, again?
Shadow: I didn't really have a choice.
[suddenly, they fall off the road, and onto the beach below]
[Shadow flips the car back to its upright position with his gravity gun, and drives along the beach]
[antlions emerge from the sand and chase them]
Shadow: Aiieeeeee! *turbo*
[they do a big jump n' stuff]
[they then speed right past multiple houses and Chaobine soldiers]
Shade: Whoa, easy there, buckaroo. We wanna get there in one piece, remember?
Shadow: Antlions ew ew ew ew ew gross aaaah
Shade: Okay, okay, okay, gimme the wheel and I'll drive for us!
Shadow: Eff off!
[screech swerve swerve]
Shade: Gimme the wheel! C'mon!
Shadow: NO!
Red: Will you two STOP FIGHTING and keep your eyes on the road?!
Shadow+Shade: The road?
[they find themselves speeding towards a wall]
[Shade grabs the wheel, and thrusts it to the right, making the car spin and face the right]
[Shadow slams on the brakes, and the car stops short of the wall]
[they sit there, panting, for a while]
Dark: Are we there yet?
[cut to a small town nearby, populated by rebels]
Rebel: Hey, look! A car's coming!
Rebel2: Think it's Shadow?
Rebel: The one free Shadow? I doubt it.
[the Fiat Panda slowly rolls in, and our heroes exit]
Shadow: Hey, wassup? This New Little Oddyssey?
[cheering is heard]
Shadow: Wow. Warm welcome for once.
Rebel: Yes, this is NLO. Go down to the basement of that house, thar. Colonel Cabbage Patch will be glad to see you.
[the four head down some stairs and whatnot; they find Colonel Cabbage Patch]
Cabbage: Ah! Hello! I'll be with you in a moment.
[the Colonel is giving a little mission briefing to some rebels]
Cab: *picks up RPG* This RPG is the only known way to destroy the gunships.
[the Darks join the briefing, and take a seat]
Cab: It's a homingafyer, so simply steer it past the gunship's defenses, and... voila!
[Dark raises his hand]
Cab: Um.. yes! You there!
Dark: Is it Lost Odyssey, or Paper Mario? Ooh! Or is it EarthBound, maybe?
Cab: No, I assure you, this RPG is one no one will miss. It's Final Fantasy VII.
Dark: *gasp* ..nice.
[a siren is heard going off]
[a rebel runs down the stairs, and yells "GUNSHIP!"]
Cab: Alright, now who shall be our volunteer?
[Dark jumps up]
Dark: Ooh! Ooh! Me! Me! Pick me! ME! HELLO! MEEE!
Cab: Hohoh! Fine, then! You, Mister Lost Odyssey, shall have this RPG.
[Dark takes FF7]
Dark: YAY! *equips* Let's go kill us some badniks.
[Dark runs outside, and throws FF7 into the air]
[it hits the gunship hovering above the town]
[the gunship falls down and crashes]
[everyone cheers]
[FF7 flies back to Dark, who catches it]
Cab: Excellent maneuvering, mah boi! I've contacted Lighthouse Cliff Place, and they'll be expecting you.
Shadow: Sweet, thanks.
Cab: I must warn you, though... it's a long way to get there. And radio silence from the bridge leads me to suspect....
Red: Suspect what?
Cab: Well... nothing short of badnik assault. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.
Shadow: Thank you, Colonel. Goodbye.
Cab: Fare thee well!
[the chao get back into their car, and drive onward]
Shade: You were awfully polite and professional back there, Shadow. Nice job. You're learning.
Shadow: Thanks. I suppose that, if I'm gonna get seven chaos drives, I'm gonna have to act my age, huh?
Shade: Yup. And Dark... smooth aiming.
Dark: I'm better at aiming than you are, Shade. :D
Shade: We'll see, we'll see.
[the road in front of them is out]
Shadow: ****.
Shade: It's cool. Just take a right.
Shadow: Onto the grass?
Shade: Yeah.
Shadow: Um.. okay.
[they drive off the road, and find themselves at a large coast; docks are above them]
[they can't find a way to get the car up onto the dock, but can get themselves up there]
[oh, and Chaobine soldiers are there, too]
Shadow: How are we supposed to move on? The road's up there!
Shade: Hmm...
[Shade looks around, and sees a giant crane]
Shade: Wait here and defend the car. Dark!
Dark: Shade and Dark Play Half-Life 2 time?
Shade: Shade and Dark Play Half-Life 2 time.
[Shade and Dark jump out of the car and up to the docks]
[Dark kicks a soldier and he dies or whatever]
[Shade does something or other, too]
[they climb a large ladder to reach the crane, then fight off whatever soldiers are up there]
Dark: Can I use the crane?
Shade: Can I trust you not to kill everyone?
Dark: maaayyyybe :3
Shade: *sigh* Knock yourself out.
[Dark squeals and then jumps into the crane]
[he steers it, and picks up the Panda]
[Red and Shadow, still inside the car, are freaking out]
Shade: Okay, Dark, now carefully and gently take it over to--
[Dark swings the car over, and smacks it against a nearby wall]
[Red and Shadow fall out and onto the dock]
[Dark then drops the car on the dock and hops out of the crane]
[he and Shade then regroup with the two rude dudes]
Red: "Two rude dudes?" What's gotten into our Jordan today?
[Chaobine soldiers suddenly surround them]
[budda budda boom]
Shadow: C'mon, guys; the sooner we get outta here, the better.
[they hop in the Panda and drive through... places]
[then, they come up to a ramp]
Shade: You know what to do here.
Shadow: Sure do, boss.
[everything goes all slow-mo as the car jumps the ramp.. and... whatnot]
Man, I'm losing my touch today. :P
[they resume their "keep on driving" state of mind]
[..until they realize the road ahead is blocked by abandoned cars]
Shadow: *sigh* I got this one.
[Shadow gets out of the car and shunts the cars off the road with his gravity gun]
Shadow: Oh, crap.
[the gunship warms up its guns]
[Shadow glances at Shade, who quickly opens up the driver-side door]
[Shadow leaps into the Panda, slams the door shut, and revvs the engine]
[the gunship's guns are ready-- BUDDABUDDABUDDA]
[But Shadow plants it as fast as he can and slams it on the gas! VRRRRRRRR!]
[The Panda JUUUUST manages to get away!]
[Dark and Red cheer]
Shade: We're not out of the woods yet, kid.
Shadow: I hear ya. I mean, I know gunships can MOVE.
[they drive on for a while, and the gunship eventually gives up]
[...oh, snap, I completely forgot to mention the fact that the car has a gun attached to it. 'Cause it does. Infinite ammo.]
Red: *looks back* I think we lost 'em.
Shadow: Good. How much further do we have left, Shade?
Shade: 'Til Novella Prospekt?
Shadow: Yeah.
Shade: Hooo... I'd say four, six, eight hours? That's if we don't lose this car.
Shadow: *deeeeeeep sigh* Great. Hey, if anybody else wants to drive for a bit, just say so.
Shade: I'll take over at the next outpost, kay?
Shadow: Okay. How far's that?
Shade: Not too far. Ten minutes at most.
Dark: Now, I'm purdy shur this chapter isn't THAT long.
Shade: Nah, but the Veteran's Committee's kinda... sized it up to scale.
Dark: Ah, cool.
[so they drive]
[and drive]
[and drive s'more along the coastal highway]
[at one random point, Red glances out the window at the ocean]
[he is steadily falling asleep at this point]
[he sees a figure dash from the coast and into the sea]
Red: What?
Shade: What's up?
Red: I...... nothing.
Shade: Alright, suit yourself.
[they keep driving and eventually reach a small outpost (or really small town)]
[...and it's occupied by the Chaobine!]
Shade: Right, then. *grabs crowbar, opens door* Let's stretch our legs.
Dark: Maybe we should kill the robots, too?
Shade: .........yeah, let's do that, too.
[they scout through the buildings, killing whatever robots they find]
Red: It's still odd how they're all based on baby Dark chao.
Shadow: I'm sure we'll find out why at Novella Prospekt.
Shade: That's kind of a random and baseless assumption, don't you think?
Shadow: Well... thinking in terms of video games, you usually find out secrets like that in the climax of the game.
Shade: Yes, so why would we find it out in Novella Prospekt?
Shadow: You mean... you mean it's not the climax?
Shade: Far from it. Well, not TOO far. I'd say about four or five chapters away.
Shadow: Argh... do we have to drive more?
Shade: No, this'll be the last time we drive.
Shadow: Good.
[they stand around for a bit]
Dark: Are we there yet?
Red: Dark's got the right idea. We done standing around yet?
Shade: Just stretching our legs. You two don't have to do any driving, so shut up.
[a little more standing around]
Shade: Right. I'm ready. You ready?
Shadow: Why, am I doing something?
Shade: Yes, you're doing something. I'll only drive 'til the next chapter, which isn't TOO far.
Shadow: Oh... alright. What else?
Shade: Yeah. While I'm driving, I want you to take the gun.
Shadow: Okay, fine. Let's go.
[they hop into the car, and Shade drives them along for a bit]
Shade: This is the life, ain't it, kid?
Shadow: What's the life?
Shade: THIS is. Out on the open road... I mean, sure, we're anticitizens one, two, three and four, but hey! We're living.
Shadow: I guess.
Shade: You "guess?" You "GUESS?!" *sigh* I'll never understand you kids... you kids and your iPads...
Shadow: What the heck are you talking about?
Shade: Eh, no idea. Hey, you hungry?
Shade: Haha, thought so. Well, I'll see what I can do about that.
[they drive for a bit more]
[Shadow looks out the window at the ocean]
[Shade glances at him]
Shade: Notice something about that ocean?
Shadow: Yeah, it looks a little... low.
Shade: That's 'cause Eggman's draining it. He needs to power his badnik empire SOMEHOW.
Shadow: Dang.
[suddenly, Shadow sees a bright, red light in the ocean]
Shadow: Whoa.
Shade: What?
Shadow: There's.. there's this big, red light in the ocean.
Shade: Really? What kind of "red?"
Shadow: Like... "Captain Scarlet" red.
[Shade stops the car quickly, and steps out]
[he walks over to the edge of the road, and looks out into the ocean]
Shade: No way...
[he runs back into the car, and gives a facepalm]
Shadow: What's wrong?
Shade: That light... that light... I know that light.
[he turns to face Dark and Red]
Shade: Guys... I don't know how to tell you this, but.... there's something in the sea.
[Red looks puzzled, but Dark's jaw drops to the ground]
Dark: NO!
Shade: Yes.
Dark: That's not possible! I thought... I mean, I thought.... in HALF-LIFE 2?!
Shade: I know... but, whatever. We'll burn that bridge when we get to it.
[they resume driving]
Dark: Are we there yet?
[they reach a small town by a large railroad bridge]
[Shade drives down to the town; Chaobine soldiers are ready to meet them]
[one little shooting later, our 'heroes' get out of their car and look around the town]
Shade: Get your health and ammo, guys, and I'll give you the scoop.
[they do that]
Shade: That bridge up there is where we wanna go, but the badniks have set up a forcefield.
Shadow: We want to deactivate it?
Shade: Yup. Problem is, the switch is on the other side of the bridge.
Dark: Here it comes...
Shade: So we need someone to go UNDER the bridge to the other side.
Dark: Sometimes I feel like I don't have a partner. Sometimes I feel like my only friend is the city I live in, the city--
Shade: Shut up. Who wants to volunteer?
Shadow: Guess I'll go.
Shade: Heheh, glad to hear it. Right this way, kid.
[Shade leads Shadow down to the cliffside; a path to the underside of the bridge is there]
Shade: Alright. This'll be your test. Pass this, and you'll prove you can handle yourself out there.
Shadow: Okay. I'm ready.
Shade: Good luck.
[Shade leaves]
Shadow: Um... okay. Right, then.
[Shadow enters a door on the side of the bridge, and comes out at the bottom of the bridge]
[below him for at least half a mile is a long drop to water]
[in front of him is a broken and rickety series of maintenance passages]
[he can't even see the other side of the bridge from here]
Shadow: Oh, dear.
[he starts moving across a particular metal walkway]
[it's pretty stable for now]
[the entire underside of the bridge starts shaking heavily-- a train's passing above]
[Shadow stands still and clings to the railing while waiting for it to pass]
[it does, and he resumes moving forward]
[cut to Shade, Dark and Red, sitting around in the bridgeside town]
Red: you think Shadow's actually gonna do this?
Dark: Not a chance.
Shade: Hey, now... of course he will. I see something good in that kid.
Dark: Creeper.
Shade: Not like that. I mean... I mean he seems like he's got good potential as a Dark/Run chao.
Red: I'm sure he WILL be one, but for now, he hasn't even got a single chaos drive.
Shade: Hm. You've got a point. If the Veteran's Committee were to try something now, he'd be dead.
Dark: Something now... something... something...
Shade: You say somethin', Dark-o?
Dark: I'm thinking... what if... the Veteran's Committee already IS trying something?
Shade: Right now?
Dark: Yes.
Shade: Like?
Dark: Like... there's something in the sea.
[the camera zooms in on Shade's face, lost in thought]
[cut to Shadow, now three-quarters of the way through the bridge]
[he's carefully walking through]
[the floor breaks, and Shadow falls; he grabs hard onto the railings to avoid falling]
[he looks down to the ocean below, and sees a figure dart through his field of vision]
[Shadow pulls himself back up, and climbs over to the nearest footing]
Shadow: Uh-oh.
[he makes a mad dash for the other side of the bridge as the walkway collapses behind him]
[at the last stretch, he takes a giant leap as the whole walkway falls]
[aaaaaand falls short]
[but, he is pulled up by...]
Shadow: Shade?!
Shade: You're WELCOME.
Shadow: Thanks, but.. how'd you get here? And so fast?
Shade: Your walkway wasn't the only one, kid.
Shadow: Oh. Well.. why did you come? I thought this was my test.
Shade: Turns out we've got bigger problems. We've got to get away from the water.
Shadow: We seem pretty high.
Shade: Yeah, not high enough. I mean we've gotta head inland. Unfortunately, we won't for another couple chapters.
Shadow: So..... what? What possible course of action is left?
Shade: Speedrun. We must get to Novella Prospekt posthaste, then clear it out ASAP.
Shadow: Can we do that quickly?
Shade: Not sure. Then again, we're a smart quad. I bet we can pull it off.
Shadow: 'Kay, then. When do we start?
[Shade has dashed into the badnik facility that I forgot to mention was on this side of the bridge]
Shadow: HEY! *dashes*
[they dash through, defeating any Chaobine they encounter, and finally find the forcefield button]
Shade: *pant* Found it.
Shadow: *pant* You're not.. TIRED... are you?
Shade: *pant* N...never. *grin* Okay... now, listen... once this button's pressed, we'll have a gunship on our tail.
Shadow: Dammit, and Dark didn't come, did he?
Shade: No worries... he's standing at the cliffside as our sniper.
Shadow: Awesome. What are we waiting for? Let's go.
Shade: You're learnin'. .......RACE YA! *presses*
Shadow: You're on!
[as they run, an alarm goes off]
[they keep running through the facility, and take care of whatever Chaobine stand in their way]
[as they reach the walkway under the bridge, the gunship arrives and warms up its guns]
[Shade pulls out a walkie-talkie]
Shade: This is Shaded Grey to Dark Days, the bogey is niner-niner and we are oscar mike, repeat, we are oscar mike, over.
Dark (radio): Dark Days to Shaded Grey, I read you loud and clear, and report tangos closing in on our position, over.
Shade: Shaded Grey to Dark Days, how many tangos, over?
[radio silence]
Shade: Shaded Grey to Dark Days, HOW MANY TANGOS, over?
[radio silence]
Shade: *puts away radio* Not good news.
Shadow: Shade and Shadow time?
Shade: Shade and Shadow time.
[cut to Dark and Red at the center of the little town; Chaobine soldiers are hiding in the buildings]
Red: Dark... they're looking at us.
Dark: No worries. We have a shotgun and an AR2, don't we?
Red: I guess so.
[Red glances at the cliffside, and sees Shade and Shadow sneaking into the back door of a building]
Red: (whispering) Dark. *tilts head toward Shade and Shadow*
Dark: Ah. *smirk* Let's go to THIS building, here.
[Dark leads Red into the building opposite the one Shade and Shadow entered]
[so... basically, they clear out the town]
[they then meet up at the Panda]
Shade: Alright, everyone get in! We're trying a speedrun.
Dark: YES!
[Shade drives them up to the bridge]
[he then drives across the bridge for a bit]
Shadow: Shade...... what was that?
Shade: I'll give you a hint. We're about to be run over by a ****ing train.
Shadow: That's quite a hint.
Shade: Hrm.. what to do, what to do...
[they see the train coming at them pretty fast]
Shade: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ****.
[Shade quickly stops the car and hits it in reverse]
Shade: C'mon c'mon c'mon c'mon c'moooooon...
[Shade JUST BARELY manages to drive the car off the tracks (at a point where they wouldn't fall in the ocean) in time]
[WHOOOOSH! The train.. whooshes past them. :P]
[the four sit in the car, breathing heavily]
Dark: Are we... are we there yet?
Shade: Still got a ways to go.
[Shade then drives the car across the bridge, now that no trains are coming]
[at the other side, the road resumes inside a dark tunnel]
Chapter 8: Chaotraps
Shade: Okay, we're at the next chapter now. Your shift.
Shadow: Fine by me.
[the two switch places once more]
[Shadow drives them through the dark tunnel, but they soon encounter a huuuuge block of abandoned cars]
Shadow: *sigh* I got it. *gets out of car*
[Shadow shunts some cars to the side before ZOMBIES COME WTF]
Shadow: Aah!
[the other three are quick to fight them off]
Shadow: Thanks, guys.
[a fast zombie sprints towards them]
Shadow: Back in the car, NOW!
[they run back into the car, and Shadow drives as fast as he can]
[the zombie pounces in front of the car]
[they finally leave the tunnel]
[by now, it's about... 4, 5-ish?]
[the road is a long one]
Red: So, Shade... why are we doing a speedrun?
Shade: We're just doing one 'til we get inland. We've got to get away from the ocean.
[eventually, they reach a small town]
[everything is deserted]
[ahead of them is a giant gate-- it's closed]
[Shadow parks the car in front of it, and everyone gets out]
Shadow: Huh. What are we supposed to do now?
Shade: Open it.
Shadow: And how?
Shade: Use your puzzle-solving skills. You solve this puzzle, and we'll take care of the Chaobine.
Red: What Chaobine?
[a dropship lands behind the gate; a squad of Chaobine climbs out; the dropship flies away]
Shade: THOSE Chaobine.
[Shade, Dark and Red run around the gate and fight off the soldiers]
[Shadow takes a look at the gate]
Shadow: Hmmm...
[he finds a wire, and follows it to a small building]
[inside is a generator powered by three batteries, but only one is installed]
Shadow: Aha!
[he looks around, finds a battery, and pops it in]
Shadow: Now, where's the last one?
[he looks around again and finds the other one in a car, then plugs it in]
Shadow: What is this, just filler?
[Kinda. This just isn't really an exciting part.]
[Shadow moves back to the car, as do the other three; they get in and drive further]
Shade: So, kid... what do you think of Half-Life 2 so far?
Shadow: It's... it's fun.
Shade: Heh, it'd better be. You're lucky. I had to go through all the crazy games, like the original Half-Life.
Shadow: Uh-huh? What's that one like?
Red: Ohhh, you don't wanna know.
Dark: Gargs are bigger in person.
Shade: For one thing, it's considerably harder than this one.
Shadow: Ooh... yikes.
[they drive for a little bit longer]
[eventually, they reach another town, this time a little bigger than the others]
[a lighthouse is on a cliff at the edge of the town]
[a bunch of rebels are there to greet our heroes]
Rebel1: Hey! You guys made it! Ditch the car, and we'll brief you on what's going on. Hurry now!
[they park the car in a garage, then meet with the rebels]
Rebel1: Alright, listen... we've got a badnik assault comin' our way in the next few minutes.
Rebel2: Our watchmen tell us we have at least four waves of tangos on the way.
Red: This won't be too tough. We can take 'em!
Rebel3: If you can, that'd be grand.
[a rebel runs in shouting "DROPSHIP!"]
Rebel1: They're here. Let's go.
[everyone takes their positions in the town]
[the first dropship lands and drops off a squadron of Chaobine soldiers]
[the squad is quickly taken care of]
[then another dropship lands, and is quickly taken care of]
[and the next]
Shadow: Boy, this is easier than I thought it would be.
Shade: Eh, Chaobine soldiers are cannon fodder.
[Shadow looks at Shade, who looks back and nods]
Shade+Shadow: We got it.
[they run up to the lighthouse, and quickly fight off the soldiers]
Shadow: Crap, we've got a gunship, too!
Dark: I got it!
[Dark tosses Final Fantasy VII at the gunship]
[the rebels cheer]
Rebel5: Hey, guys, you're goin' to Novella Prospekt, ain't ya?
Shadow: Sure are. We're trying to reach there by nightfall.
Rebel5: Well, come with me. I'll put you on the right path.
[the rebel leads them to the bottom of the lighthouse, and through a secret door]
Rebel5: I'm not sure why you wanna go there, but... this is the best way to get there.
[the door leads to some steep cliffs]
Rebel5: Just go around this cliff face 'til you reach solid ground. You'll be on the right path by then.
Rebel5: ...good luck!
[he leaves and slams the door behind him]
Shadow: Wha-but-wait-ohh....
Dark: Are we there yet?
Shade: Not quite. We've just gotta keep pressing on now.
[they carefully go around the cliff face until they reach solid ground]
Shade: ...oh, crap, I remember this part.
Shadow: What?
[they find a small patch of beach in between giant rock faces.. or.. argh, I can't describe this kinda thing]
[in the beach are some scattered rocks]
[a rebel is lying on one rock next to a dying rebel lying in the sand]
Rebel1: Hang on, Laszlo... I think I hear someone.
[the rebel sees the chao]
Rebel1: YOU THERE! STAY ON THE ROCKS! Keep off the sand, it makes the antlions CRAZY!
[Shadow's pupils shrink]
Shadow: Antlions?
Rebel1: Yeah... they're oddly hostile for this time of year.
Shadow: Oh, no...
[Laszlo attempts to move]
Rebel1: No, Laszlo, don't move...
[rumble rumble]
Rebel1: Oh, crap.
[a swarm of antlions come out of the sand and charge at everyone]
[the chao fight them off]
Rebel1: Thank you... I thought I was a goner. Can't say the same for Laszlo, though... he was the best of his generation.
[the rebel holds back some tears]
Rebel1: G..go now. And stay on the rocks!
Shadow: Oh, believe me, I don't plan on stepping on that sand.
[they move forward, hopping on the rocks and staying off the sand]
[eventually they see higher ground, but no way of getting up there without stepping on the sand]
[scattered around are various wood planks and whatnot]
Shadow: Hrrmm...... *snap* I got this one, guys.
[Shadow uses his gravity gun to make a walkway out of planks n' stuff]
[they then go up to higher ground]
Shadow: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, you gotta be KIDDING me!
[in front of them is a LAAAAARGE beach, and the rocks stop altogether about halfway through]
Dark: Oh, it won't be that bad!
Shadow: Why, will we gain the ability to FLY soon?
Dark: Well... no, but... it's not that hard to run across.
Shade: What's the matter, kid? Scared of a little antlion?
Shadow: N-no! I just... want to get this done... quickly.
Shade: Then let's make a mad dash for that high ground at the other side of the beach.
Shadow: But...
Shade: Race ya!
Shadow: .....FINE! Fine! Fine.
[they start running across the sand]
Shade: Here's a tip: ignore the antlions for a second!
[the antlions emerge from the sand]
Shadow: *deep breath* Ignore the antlions...
[they make it to the high ground]
Shadow: Whoo! I.. I made it! I MADE IT!
Shade: Congrats, kid. Now help us kill these bugs that are chasing us.
Shadow: Oh, um..... crap.
[they manage to kill the antlions, but Shadow hesitates to even look at them]
Shade: Alright, now, Shadow, you've obviously got a fear o' these damn things.
Shadow: N-no, I don't!
Shade: 'Course ya do. And we're gonna put you through a test that'll end your phobia for once and for all.
Shadow: *gulp* Do I have to?
Shade: Well, if you wanna go through this chapter without SCREAMING every few seconds, you do.
Shadow: ....fiiiiiiiiine. What's my test?
Shade: Oh, just head into this little valley, right here. ALONE. You'll see your test. Ya can't miss it.
Shadow: This... this valley that's filled with blood, explosive barrels, and a dead body?
Shade: The very same. Pass your test, and you will be ready for the rest of the game.
Shadow: Okay. I'm sure this won't be as bad as I think it will.
[Shadow hops down; Shade, Dark, and Red snicker]
[Dark gives Shade a hi-5]
Red: I can't believe what you just did... *laughter* you pretty much MURDERED him, you know that?
Shade: Yeah, but it was SOOOOO perfect, though!
Red: Yes, it was... *more laughter*
Dark: And he said it wouldn't be as... heh... it... it... wouldn't be as bad as he... HA... HAAAA! *cries with laughter*
[cut to Shadow, having just dropped into the valley]
Shadow: Hm. Yeah, this isn't that bad. I don't know what he was--
Shadow: (high-pitched voice) about?
[a GIANT antlion rises from the sand, and growls at him, at least five times his size]
[cut to Shade, Dark and Red]
[they're looking into the valley, watching]
[the three burst out with laughter]
Red: I.. I shouldn't be laughing, but... hahahaha... it's just.... so.... HAHAHAAA! Perfect!
[back to Shadow]
Shadow: Oh, yeah, the explosive barrels.
[he grabs them with the gravity gun, and shoots them at the Antlion Guard]
[the Guard flinches for a second, then charges straight at him]
Shadow: Oh, crap! *dodges*
[the Guard smacks into a wall, instead]
[a couple of smaller antlions come out of the sand]
Shadow: *sigh* Bug heaven here, innit?
[he quickly scans his surrounding area]
Shadow: Um... uh... aw, jeez, I'm out of explosives.
Shadow: Huh?
[Red tosses his AR2]
Shadow: *catches* Sweet! Thank you!
[he aims at the Guard]
Shadow: Alright, mister giant freaky antlion guy... get ready to die.
[the Guard turns to face him]
[budda budda budda budda]
[budda budda budda budda]
[budda budda budda budda]
Shadow: Crap. *reloads*
[the Guard charges at him again]
[he swiftly dodges it, but drops his next magazine]
Shadow: Drat!
[he runs back, grabs it, then loads his gun]
Shadow: Here, have some more caviar, you son of a bug!
[budda budda budda budda]
[budda budda budda budda]
[budda budda budda budda]
Shadow: Oh, boy. ...oh, BOY! Out of ammo!
[the Guard is struggling now, but still charges at him]
Shadow: *dodge* Great. How am I gonna get outta THIS one?
Shade: KID!
[Shadow looks up at Shade]
Shade: I know I'm gonna regret this, but... here!
[Shade pulls out his crowbar]
Shade: You know what to do. Don't lose this, understand?
[Shade tosses his crowbar down, and it lands in the sand]
[...right in the Guard's charging path]
Shade: Yep, I regret it already.
[Shadow looks up at the Guard, who snarls and strokes the ground with its feet (like a bull)]
Shadow: Oh, no you DON'T! *dives*
[the Guard charges forward]
[Shadow snatches the crowbar and slides under the Guard as it charges]
[the Guard then turns around in confusion]
Shadow: Yeah. You couldn't get me. But, you know what? I think you need to change your diet. You need a little more... IRON!
[Shadow leaps at the Guard]
[the Guard charges forward]
[slow-mo shot of the two going at each other]
[Shadow thrusts his crowbar forward at the last minute]
[Red covers his eyes; Shade and Dark cheer]
[cut to Shadow standing epically in front of the Guard's corpse; its head has a big hole through it]
[Shade, Dark and Red hop down into the valley]
Red: That was AMAZING, Shadow!
Dark: Oh, remember when the Guard was all "Ruff, ruff... SNAAARRRRL..."
Red: Yeah, and then Shadow was all like "budda budda budda..."
Dark: Then the Guard was all "ROOOAAAAR!"
Red: And Shadow was like, "OH NO YOU DI-N'T!"
Shade: *chuckle* Well, I gotta hand it to you, kid... that was very impressive.
Shadow: You mean... you mean you're proud of me?
Shade: ....yeah. You could say that.
Shadow: *smile* ...oh, yeah, here's your crowbar back.
[Shadow holds out the crowbar, covered in Antlion Guard guts]
[Shade looks at it for a second, then slowly grabs it]
Shade: thanks.
[Shade looks at the crowbar a bit more, rather disgusted]
Shadow: So, where we going now?
Shade: (quietly, looking at crowbar) To the nearest sink.
Shadow: Wha?
Shade: (normally, looking at Shadow) I'm pretty sure THAT guy over there knows.
[a freaky alien thing runs to them]
Alien: The Shadow Raid will heed!
Shadow: Guess that's me.
Alien: The Shadow Raid will pay attention while I extract the pheropod. The process is not entirely hygenic.
Shadow: Wha?
[the alien moves over to the Guard's corpse, and shoots a bolt of lightning from its hands into the corpse]
[blood splatters everywhere; the chao cover their faces]
All: UGH!
Dark: Nasty.
[a small ball is left on the ground]
Alien: The Shadow Raid will now equip the pheropod.
[Shadow looks at the ball on the ground, then at the alien]
Shadow: Please tell me you don't mean THAT.
[the alien nods]
[Shadow looks at it again, then looks at the other three chao, then back at the alien]
Shadow: want me to WHAT its balls?
Alien: Equip them.
[he looks once more at the object on the ground]
Shadow: Um..... Shade?
Shade: Hey, don't look at me; he said "Shadow Raid."
Shadow: *sigh* Okay....
[he looks away, closes his eyes, then grabs the pheropod]
Shadow: Eeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh....... okay, I got it, now what?
Alien: Oh, no, I meant THAT object. That metal one.
[Shade and Dark burst out with laughter; Red holds back his]
Shadow: Right. Of course. *sigh*
[he tosses the "pheropod" away, then picks up the metal one]
Shadow: THIS one?
Alien: Yes. Sorry about the confusion.
Alien: Now, the Shadow Raid must follow!
Shadow: Okay. C'mon, you goofballs.
[the other three follow, snickering]
[the alien leads them through a small cave, filled with rebels and other aliens]
Shadow: Hey, what kind of alien are you, anyway?
Alien: We are the Priests of the Temples of Syrinx.
Dark: Pfft ya rite
Alien: Okay, fine, so we're the Goafaugtsetu.
Shade: That's entirely made up. Really, DJay, what ARE they?
[I DON'T KNOW! Sorry! I don't want them to be vortigaunts, but I can't come up with a cool reference to something else!]
[I'll let you know when I've come up with something, though. For now, they're just.. aliens.]
Shade: Fine.
[Maybe. ..actually, that's funny, 'cause... "Xenomorphs," and "Xen.." eh? Eh?]
Dark: Nice.
Xen: Okay, we're Xenomorphs, then. RAAAWR 'cept now we're friendly.
Shade: Yeah, 'cause Eggman's badniks took over your homeworld so now you're plotting with the humans to fight him.
Dark: lulz Half-Life 2
Xen: Anyway, moving on... come! The Shadow Raid must attend the mandatory pheropod tutorial level!
Shadow: Oh, I was just about to say.. these things don't come with instructions.
Xen: Then this is the Shadow Raid's lucky day.
[the Xenomorph leads him into a small cavern room place]
[two antlions emerge]
Shadow: Uh-oh...
[...and just stand there]
Xen: The Shadow Raid will now toss a pheropod into yonder pit.
Dark: lulz "yonder"
Shadow: Um... okay. *tosses pheropod into yonder pit*
[the antlions run into the pit]
[..oh, yeah, and there's somehow an infinite supply of pheropods]
Xen: The Shadow Raid excels at all tasks!
Shadow: Hells yea
Xen: The Shadow Raid shall now toss the bug-bait at that dummy we installed, like.. last Tuesday.
[a dummy of a Chaobine soldier appears]
[Shadow tosses the pheropod at the dummy]
[the antlions charge at, and attack the dummy]
Xen: The Shadow Raid rocks!
Shadow: Yay.
Xen: The Shadow Raid will now call to his herd through application of pressure to the pheropod.
Shadow: Uh......
Shade: He means squeeze the balls and see what it does.
Shadow: Oh. *squish squish*
[the antlions go to Shadow]
Shadow: Awesome.
Xen: The Shadow Raid is the MASTA OF PUPPETS!
Shadow: I'm the whaaaaat?
Shade+Dark: MASTA! MASTA!
Shadow: The whaaaaat?
Shade+Dark: MASTA! MASTA!
Shadow: Hahaaa. Okay, now what?
[the Xenomorph runs over to a blockade and electro-zaps it away]
Xen: The Shadow Raid shall now begin his assault of Novella Prospekt. It's just about a mile away.
Shadow: Thank you for your help, Xenomorph.
Xen: No prob. See ya.
Dark: kthxbai
[they leave the cave]
[they find themselves on the beach at about... 7? I dunno]
[some more antlions come up, making the herd about four]
Shadow: Alright. You are Ness, you're Paula, you're Jeff, and you're Poo.
Dark: lulz Poo
Shadow: So, Shade... you know the way.
Shade: Nah, I think I'll let YOU take point this time. You've proved you can handle yourself out there, after all.
Shadow: Oh. Alright. C'mon, Chosen Four! And you three.
[Shadow leads the way]
[And I'll skip the thumpers 'cause they're just boring stuff.]
[Basically, there are these machines that thump the ground and scare off antlions, so Shadow must turn 'em off.]
[Not as exciting as you might think, and they're even MORE boring in script format.]
[they reach the shoreline, and instantly hear gunshots]
Shadow: Crap! We've got machine gun nests up the beach!
[Shadow tosses a pheropod at the nests]
[the antlions fly at the Chaobine and slaughter them]
[Shadow then calls them back]
Shadow: And to think I used to be scared of you guys. ONWARD!
[they march down the shoreline, taking out whatever machine gun nests may await them until...]
Shadow: Hm. Looks like the only way through is this dark, manmade cave. Let's go!
Red: Hang on a sec.
Shadow: What is it?
Red: This all seems too easy.
Shade: So? Half-Life 2 IS easy.
Red: Yeah, but... why haven't the Veteran's Committee done anything yet?
Shadow: Please don't jinx us.
Red: The more we put it off, the bigger the surprise'll be!
Shadow: YES, we KNOW that. We just don't want to bring it up, because that means... well, who knows?!
Red: Okay, sorry!
[they move into the manmade cave]
[it's dark]
Dark: Wow, it's... ME!
Shadow: No, it's light, but filled with an awfully large amount of shadows.
Shade: *chuckle* Good one.
[suddenly, a couple of red flares are lit ahead]
Shadow: Uh-oh.
[Chaobine soldiers have ambushed our heroes!]
Shadow: Sic 'em, Chosen Four. Use PK Buttkick, or something.
[one massacre later, the chao are out of the cave]
[they press forward, killing more soldiers]
Shade: Hey, kid, I got some good news for ya.
Shadow: Yeah?
Shade: Look up there.
[atop a cliff is a giant prison]
Shadow: Is that....?
Shade: Yuh-huh. We made it, kinda.
Shadow: "Kinda?"
Shade: We've still gotta get INSIDE.
Shadow: Oh. ...oh. Good point.
Shade: Don't worry; I'll do this one for ya.
Shadow: You will?
Shade: Yeah. I kinda missed being the leader.
[Shade leads them up the cliff, through dangerous..... drops, and whatnot]
[eventually, they make it to a large sewage pipe]
Shade: Okay. According to my calculations, this pipe should take us into the outer walls of Novella Prospekt.
Shadow: Cool.
Shade: I gotta warn ya, though... once we're in, we're gonna have quite the firefight.
Shadow: It's cool. I've got the Chosen Four.
Shade: Okay. C'mon.
[they go through the sewage pipe, and emerge within the outer wall]
[..well.. just think of a yard in a prison. THAT kind of "within the outer wall."]
[suddenly, a siren goes off]
All: ****!
Shade: Okay... okay, we've been spotted.
Shadow: How do we get INTO Novella Prospekt, anyway?
Shade: It's through that wall, there. But... opening it's not that easy.
[some gunships fly above them]
Shadow: ......I have an idea.
[one RPG toss later, the gunship flies down and explodes]
Shadow: Ugh. Great.
[another gunship comes]
Shadow: Huh. Okay, once more!
[the gunship explodes by the wall, breaking it open]
Shade: Haha, you're thinking now.
Shadow: So... we can go in?
Shade: Of course.
[they hop in, and explore the maintenance passages]
[eventually, they come across a cell block A]
Chapter 9: Not a Prospekt...lem
[it's deserted and empty, but the chao don't seem to notice]
Dark: Hey, Shade?
Shade: Yeah?
Dark: I was thinkin'... about the epic song we'd have to play at the end of this game.
Shade: Like Stairway in the first one?
Dark: Yeah. I was thinkin'... how about Six Degrees?
Shade: ****, can we DO that one? I mean, I dunno if I can drum for...
Dark: C'mon, are ya CHICKEN? And Shadow can do all the keyboard solos.
Shadow: I know keyboard?
Dark: Sure ya do! An' if ya don't, just ask DJay; he'll make you miraculously know.
[I suppose I would if ya asked me.]
Red: But hang on... that song would also require a full-fledged orchestra.
Shade: The Redman's right. Maybe we should save it for the end of some even MORE epic adventure. Like.... *gasp*
Dark: You thought of one?
Shade: Episode Two!
Dark: I didn't know that was more epic than this.
Shade: The final battle is A HUNDRED times better.
Red: Hm, but I wanted to see how DJay would manage to write it. I bet it'd be fantastic in script format.
Shade: Hm. Yeah. All four of us splitting up across the forest, each taking a house...
[..Whoa, I just had a freaky idea.]
Shade: What? What?
[I whisper my idea to Shade.]
Shade: ...what? No you didn't. You simply said that out loud.
[Um.... *whisper whisper*]
Shade: That's better. ..HRM. I don't know WHAT to think of that one, except... why didn't you think of that for MY journey?
[I don't know!]
Shade: Anyway, I guess you can try it... hope you don't forget about it later, though.
Shadow: Hey, can we go back to exploring things? And where'd the Chosen Four go?
Shade: Them? Oh, they couldn't follow you in here. They have to get inside by other means.
Shadow: Ah.
[they resume exploring, and find absolutely nobody around, but the place is falling apart]
Shadow: Man, what the heck happened in here?
Shade: This is the manmade part of Novella Prospekt. The badniks are trying to robotnicize it all, but haven't gotten here.
Shadow: Oh. I'd hate to see the robotnicized parts.
Shade: Yes, you will.
[they go up some stairs, then see some turrets shooting antlions]
Shadow: Oh, no! How do I...?
Shade: Gravity gun.
Shadow: Got it.
[Shadow shunts the turrets, knocking them over; they stop shooting]
[the antlions follow Shadow]
Shadow: Yay, antlions!
Shade: See how much better things are now that you've overcome your fear?
Shadow: They're so awesome!
[they move through quite a few rooms, fighting off the occasional soldier, but mostly turrets]
[eventually, they find themselves in a hallway overlooking a big shower room]
Shadow: Ugh. That place is so dirty. Hope we don't have to go THERE soon.
[Shade puts his hand on Shadow's shoulder]
Shade: Buddy... we're goin' there NOW.
Shadow: Oh.
Shade: C'mon.
[they jump over the railing or whatever and into the shower room]
Shadow: It's quiet in here... TOO quiet.
Dark: Hey, where'd your antlions go?
Shadow: Good question! Antlions? Oh, antlions? Come here, antlions!
[Shadow slowly turns around, and screams]
[an Antlion Guard bashed its way into the shower room]
Shadow: I didn't mean THAT antlion!
[it charges at them; he dives to the side]
Dark: Got it!
[Dark tosses FF7 at the Guard; it staggers, then gets back up]
Shadow: Not enough. Oh, boy. Shade?
Shade: Oh, no! You're not using my crowbar again. Sorry.
[the Guard turns and charges at Shadow again, who dodges]
Shadow: Why's it after ME!?
Shade: 'Cause you're Player 1!
Shadow: But this is Half-Life 2; there's ONLY Player 1!
Shade: Well... you've got the pheropod! I don't know!
[Shadow quickly looks around]
Shadow: Uh... uh... uh... explosive barrels!
[he grabs them with his gravity gun, and shoots them at the Guard]
[the Guard begins limping]
Shadow: Nearly down. I need more explosives!
Dark: I can try Final Fantasy again.
Shadow: Be my guest.
[the Guard is dead!]
Shadow: *pant* Good... thanks, Dark.
Dark: You're welcome, Shadow!
[they leave the shower room, and find a bunch of Chaobine soldiers behind a forcefield]
[the chao take cover]
Shadow: Crap!
Red: Well, Shadow? Any ideas?
Shadow: *looks around* ...yeah. Let's check out that cell block. Maybe it'll help.
[Shade grins and nods his head; they head into the cell block]
[more soldiers are in there]
Shadow: Looks like we're on the right track.
[budda budda boom]
Shadow: Okay, let's look around, and do it quickly; more will come, and in greater numbers.
Shade: Okey-doke, Obi Wan.
[they look around and find a security booth]
[Shadow presses a button]
Shadow: Somehow, I know that turned off the forcefield. I just know it.
Shade: Maybe because it's on this TV?
[it is]
Shadow: ...oh.
[they flick through the channels on the TV, and one shows the Chaobine shooting at something]
Shadow: Wait, wait, wait. What's going on HERE?
Red: There's an awful lot of soldiers for just an antlion fleet.
[an Antlion Guard charges on-screen, and starts killing all the soldiers]
Shadow: Well... good to know we're not the ONLY ones dealing with those things.
Shade: ..alright, I think that's enough TV. Whaddya say we move on?
Shadow: Right, of course.
[they move on and deal with the soldiers]
Shadow: Hang on a tick...
Red: What is it?
Shadow: These soldiers... they're different.
Shade: That's 'cause they're prison guards.
Shadow: No, but.... they're based on adult Dark chao.
Red:'re right. They ARE.
Shade: Hm. This is strange.
Shadow: ...whatever. We'll find out why eventually. For now, let's keep it moving. Shade, where are we going?
Shade: We've gotta meet future me in the train depot. It's not too far. C'mon, this way.
[they do some vent crawling and some more shooting]
[eventually, they reach a staircase leading up to a large room]
Shade: Security station. ...and it's full of tangos.
Shadow: 10-4. Intercept and destroy, right?
Shade: Intercept and destroy. GO!
[they charge up the stairs, and kill whatever enemies are up there]
[out the windows of the security station is a type of laundry room; it's huge, deserted, and dirty]
[and guess what's littered around? EXPLOSIVE BARRELS.]
[Shadow looks out the window, then at Shade]
Shade: You think you can handle this one by yourself?
Shadow: I don't see why not.
[Shadow hops out the window]
Shadow: Yup, hello, Antlion Guard. How ya doin'?
Shadow: Yeah, yeah. C'mon, charge at me.
Shadow: *dodge* Haha! Missed.
[gravity gun + explosive barrel = BOOM!]
Shadow: What's that? You liked it? Here, have ANOTHER!
[eventually, after enough of that, the Guard collapses and the other three chao jump out the window]
Shade: You're getting good at this.
Shadow: After a while, it gets almost FUN.
Shade: Okay, so.. according to my intel, the train depot's this way.
[Shade leads them through.. well.. not even a corridor]
[it's basically just a junkyard of rubble and fire; Badnik Walls (walls that move like a trash compactor) surround them]
Shadow: What.. IS this place?
Shade: This is where the badniks have gotten to in their conquest to robotnicize the whole building.
Shadow: So.. so past this point...
Shade: Enemy territory.

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