Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Akira Kurosawa Memorial (Rashomon DCA version)

[cut to the Dark Garden]
[Shade is chillaxin']
[Dark runs up to him]
Shade: AH! What is it, Dark?
Dark: Today's Akira Kurosawa's 100th birthday! We've gotta do something for him!
Shade: ZOMG you are absolutely right! Hmm... but what could we possibly do?
[enter Shadow, the chao]
Shadow: Hey, Shade. I happened to overhear your conundrum, and I am pleased to announce that I may have a viable solution.
Shade: Out with it, then!
Shadow: You see.........
[fade to black]

[fade-in; everybody's gathered in the Dark Garden]
Shade: *ahem* Will everyone please have a seat?
[everyone has a seat around the pool]
[on the island is Shade, wearing a tuxedo]
Shade: First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for coming to the 100th Anniversary of Akira Kurosawa's birth.
Shade: I know many of you are wondering, "Who the smack is Akira Kurosawa?"
[murmurs of affirmation]
Shade: *sigh* I thought so. Well, we set up a little presentation to answer those questions.
[exit Shade]
[enter Metal Sonic]
MS: Yeah, yeah, shaddup. My name is Metal Sonic, and I am here to explain to you who the **** Akira Kurosawa is.
[the crowd shuts up]
MS: So, Kurosawa-san was this Japanese director. Born in 1910, he was the youngest of eight children in the suburbs of Tokyo.
["oh my," "eight?" "youngest?" "TOKYO?!"]
MS: Yeah, but here's the cool part: The Kurosawas are descendants of SAMURAIS.
["Like you?"]
MS: ..very funny, Mecha.
MS: Anyway, he made his first movie, "Sanshiro Sugata," in 1943. It's about this young dude who goes to a city to learn Jujutsu, but then later discovers Judo.. n' whatever.
["Don't you know BOTH of those?"]
MS: *chuckle* Yeah, and a number of other martial and marital arts, but that's beside the point.
[mild laughter]
MS: After his debut film, the Japanese government kept a close eye on him. As a result, his next film, "The Most Beautiful" was a propaganda piece about factory workers.
[Metal glares at the unruly audience member]
MS: It's not communism; it's HISTORY. One more outburst like that, and you're outta here.
MS: ...MOVING ON... he later made "Sanshiro Sugata Part II," which showed the protagonist competing in a boxing match and winning with Judo techniques.
["Hey, Metal, isn't that cheating?"]
MS: You talk a lot, Mecha. Shut up.
["I was just sayin'..."]
MS: In response to that one unruly guy a moment ago, Kurosawa-san was NOT communist, for his first post-war film, "No Regrets for Our Youth," portrayed life under militaristic rule as bad.
MS: I can't think of a better word right now. Shut up.
MS: He made many other movies since then, but for now, let's focus on the movie that made him famous, shall we?
[Mecha raises his hand]
MS: *siiiigh* Yes, Mecha?
["Wasn't he famous for 'The Wizard of Oz?'"]
MS: No, Mecha, Akira Kurosawa did not make "The Wizard of Oz." That was L. Baum and W. Denslow.
[mild laughter]
MS: ...retard.
MS: No, what made Kurosawa-san famous was a film called "Rashomon."
[confused remarks]
MS: Never heard of it? Thought not. Kids and yer... iPods... anyway, we're gonna act Rashomon out for you.
MS: Yeah. So sit down, shaddup, and.. enjoy the Dark Chao Adventures adaption of Akira Kurosawa's "Rashomon." With all the naughty bits cut out.
[laughter, cheer]

DJay32 presents...
A story by Akira Kurosawa...
Starring the cast of Dark Chao Adventures...


[enter the WOODCUTTER (Dark) and PRIEST (Chao)]
[they sit, solemnly]
[enter the COMMONER (Cham)]
Dark: ....'sup?
Chao: We have just witnessed a horrible crime.
Cham: Pics, or it didn't happen.
Dark: Nah, he means it. You see, I was walkin' through the woods one day...
Chao: He's a woodcutter, you see, so he does that.
Dark: ..and I found the dead body of a samurai, then told the cops.
Chao: And I happened to see the scene of the murder, myself.
Dark: We were both summoned to court, where we testified n' whatnot.
Cham: Japanese court? Awesome! Was Phoenix Wright there?
Dark: Nah, Apollo Justice was there that day.
Chao: 'Twas in court where we met Tajomaru...
[the chao spin around in circles and run off-stage; Dark trips]

MS (Narrator): We take you back in time to three days earlier, to the Japanese courthouse.
[enter TAJOMARU (Shade)]
Shade: You wanna know who did it? That's right; I did it. It was me, the great Tajomaru! I'm the most famous bandit in all of freakin' Japan, baby! You wanna know HOW I did it? I'll tell ya... with a flashback IN a flashback!
[Shade spins around in circles and then runs off-stage]
[enter TAJOMARU, SAMURAI (Shadow), and WIFE OF SAMURAI (Tail)]
[the SAMURAI and WIFE are walking along; TAJOMARU runs up to them]
Shade: Yo, Samurai! I found some kickass ninja swords in the grove down yonder.
Shadow: Hm? Might I see them?
Shade: Most certainly. Right this way... *conspicuous evil laughter*
[TAJOMARU leads the other two onward]
Shade: Okay, here we are, in a small grove... away from the rest of the world.
Shadow: Yes, here we are.
Shade: ..hey, what's that over there?! *points*
Shadow: I do not know, but I've been through these parts before. Nothing will harm us.
Shade: ...seriously, dude, look over there.
Shadow: I would much rather view your collection of swords, kind sir.
Shade: Um.. LOOK! Pedobear!
[the SAMURAI turns around]
[TAJOMARU ties the SAMURAI up and then ties him to a tree(-like prop)]
Shade: Moohoohaahaa! Now I can do nasty things to your wife!
Tail: Oh, no!!!
Shade: ...wait, why is Tail the wife?
Chao (off-stage): He REALLY wanted a part.
Shade: But.. don't you know what Tajomaru DOES to the wife?
Shadow: Well.. we cut the nasty parts out.
Shade: We DID?! ****, why doesn't anybody tell me these things anymore?
Dark (off-stage): What, were you REALLY gonna....?
Shade: ....
Dark (off): ...well... here. Use this.
[Dark hands TAJOMARU a blow-up doll]
Shade: Yeah, but... it won't feel the SAME...
Shade: Oh, ****, forgot to mention: the wife tried to defend herself with a dagger. Now you know.
Tail: Oh, Tajomaru, I beg of you, please duel my husband... I cannot bear the shame of TWO men knowing my dishonor.
Shade: Even though I'm retelling this to a courtroom?
Tail: ...just fight.
Shade: Very well! *lets Samurai go* SAMURAI! Duel me in battle... 'cause your wife said so!
Shadow: En guarde!
[cling clang slash shwoop shwam swipe SWOOSH]
Shadow: I am vanquished!
Tail: Oh, mah poor hart... *exit WIFE*
Shade: I am truly the greatest. End flashback-of-flashback!
[they spin around in circles the other way, and run off-stage]
[enter TAJOMARU]
Shade: There you have it, your honor. I am guilty of the crimes accused of me.
MS: Hey, what happened to that one dagger?
Shade: Oh, in all the excitement, I had forgotten all about it. How foolish.

[enter WIFE]
Tail: That's not how it happened, your honor. THIS is how it happened! Flashback time!
[he spins around in circles and runs off-stage]
Shade: Now, where are we in this one?
Shadow: Pretty sure this is after the nasty bit.
Shade: Oh... oh, right, right, right. I have had my way with you, woman! Now I shall leave!
Tail: Oh, husband.. I'm so sorry.. please forgive me.
[the SAMURAI looks with scorn]
Tail: Please!
[WIFE unties the SAMURAI]
Tail: Please.. at least kill me so I may be at peace.
[the SAMURAI continues looking with loathing]
Tail: Oh, your expression.. it is so... hurtful... oh, my poor heart. *faint*
[the SAMURAI picks up a dagger, and stabs himself (staged! Of course)]
[WIFE wakes up]
Tail: Oh, foolish me.................. th...that's it. End flashback-of-flashback.
[they spin around in the other direction and run off-stage]

MS: Now, as was apparently customary in Japan back then... we shall now hear from the dead man, himself, through a medium.
[enter MEDIUM (the Tails Doll)]
TD: Yo, everybody. Stand back.. 'cause what you are about to see may scare you. I'm a medium. I happen to dabble in the black arts. This **** is 100% real, you hear me? Some dude was murdered, and now we're gonna use the aforementioned black arts to hear from the dead guy who killed him! And how! Stand back, for I be chargin' mah lazor! Sha-zippity! Sha-zoopity! Shalakaladingdong! A-bippity-bubbly-boo! SHOOP! DA! WHOOP! IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZOR!
[the stage is covered in fog]
TD: Mindfreak.
[enter SAMURAI]
Shadow: You want to know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. Flashback time.
[they spin around in circles and run off-stage]
Shade: I'm back, suckers! Now, where are we?
Tail: This is the dead guy's story.
Shade: Oh, that part. Gimme the blow-up doll, Dark.
Shade: Woman! Travel with me!
Tail: Very well! But, first, kill my husband so I do not suffer the guilt of having two men.
Shade: What?! Samurai! What shall we do? Kill her, or let her go?
Shadow: For these words alone, I'm ready to pardon your crime.
Shade: Um.. thanks.
[WIFE escapes]
Shade: Come back!
Shade: Aw.
[TAJOMARU sets the SAMURAI free]
Shadow: For no reason whatsoever, I shall now end my life. *STAB* I am vanquished! End flashback!
[he spins around the other way]
[exit SAMURAI]

Dark: The medium was lying.
Cham: He was?
Dark: Yeah.
Cham: Oh.
Dark: You see, I saw the crime, myself... but I didn't want to get caught up in the trial.
Chao: *coughbullsheepcough*
Dark: Cough drop?
Chao: Thanks!
Cham: So... so what REALLY happened, Mister Woodcutter?
Dark: I'll tell ya. Flashback time!
[they spin around in circles and run off-stage]
Shade: *sigh* Okay, where are we?
Shadow: Past the nasty part.
Shade: 'Kay. Marry me, woman!
Tail: Noooooo!
[the WIFE frees the SAMURAI]
Shadow: You fiend... you are lucky that I do not wish to risk my life for such a spoiled woman.
Shade: Tsk, ya got THAT right.
Tail: Shame on both of you! A REAL man would fight for a woman's love!
Shade: ....****, the kid's right.
Shadow: Eh, can't argue with that logic.
Shadow: Alright, shut up!
Shade: Uh... wait, this is the story where I don't know how to fight, isn't it?
Shadow: Eah... I had forgotten for a moment.
[they pitifully fight]
[TAJOMARU slays the SAMURAI-- just barely]
Tail: You monster!
[exit WIFE]
Shade: Wait, but you.... ahhhhhhhh!
[exit TAJOMARU, limping]
Shadow: .....uh.. end flashback.
[he spins around in circles the other way, then runs off-stage]

Cham: Damn.
Dark: Yeah. That's how it happened, alright.
Chao: It's a pretty strange occurrence, indeed.
Cham: Yeah. ...you wonder if--
[they are interrupted by a baby's crying]
Cham: Hey, it's a baby.
Dark: Yeah. SHUT UP!!!
Cham: Hey, some clothes have been left for the baby. ...gimme! *steals*
Dark: Hey-whoa-whoa-HEY, buddy! Don't steal from a baby!
Cham: Pfft, nice try. I know you stole the dagger from the crime scene.
Dark: Well..... maybe.
Cham: Ha! A thief calling another a thief? Typical. All men are fueled by self-interest. I'm outta here.
Chao: All men.. fueled by self-interest? Ugh.. my head.... I fear my faith in humanity is faltering.
[the WOODCUTTER reaches for the baby]
Chao: What do you think you're doing?
Dark: Take a ride on the chill train, dude. I wanna raise the kid, along with my own. I have six, you see.
Chao: Wow. Caring for others? Sir, you have given me new faith in humanity! Here, have the rugrat.
[the PRIEST gives the WOODCUTTER the baby]
Dark: Thanks, doc. Don't worry; the baby's safe with me. I'm out. Peace!
Dark: ....aw, sweet, free beer! *glug glug glug* Now, where's my car?
Chao: ..um.. the end!
[enter ALL]
[All take a bow for the audience's applause]
[exit ALL]

[laughter; standing ovation]
MS: Yes, yes, now shaddup again. We've got more.
[they shut up and sit down]
MS: That was Kurosawa-san's most famous film, "Rashomon."
["Why was it called 'Rashomon?'"]
MS: Oh, that? It's called that because.. the woodcutter, priest, and commoner were standing around the Rashomon temple. We kinda forgot to mention that tiny detail.
MS: Anyway, Rashomon was really influential, 'cause it inspired that whole 'multiple conflicting stories' concept that you saw in the reenactment. Kurosawa-san was also a perfectionist. He'd often work hours and hours trying to get ONE thing right. Hell, for "Ran," he painted the storyboards, himself, for ten years straight.
["He was a painter, too?"]
MS: Yes, he was a painter, too. He was Japanese. What did you expect?
MS: Ah... moving on, he has inspired the likes of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas... and... Adolf Hitler.....
MS: And.. something about "Can't we all just get along?" Or was that Mister King? I can't remember.
[mild laughter]
MS: Sorry, I.. left my note cards at home, and have been kinda.. improvising most of this.
[enter Shade]
Shade: Ouch. Looks like Metal's bombed. Play him off, gang!
Shade: ....uh-oh. I'll be right back.
[Shade runs off-stage]
MS: ..it would appear that things are going wrong.
[mild laughter]
[Shade comes back]
Shade: Alright, well... we're experiencing technical difficulties, so... this'll have to do as our memorial to Akira Kurosawa. Hope you enjoyed it!
[applause and whatnot]


Farewell director
Akira Kurosawa
You were really cool.


Sunday, March 14, 2010

The Book of Faces, Week of 3/7 review

So it turns out that the Dark Chao Adventures Book of Faces was updated a few more times last week than I thought, and with some really behind-the-scenes stuff, too! Stuff not even this blog gets! Then again, only two people (not including myself) are fans of DCA on Facebook, so only two people have access to these things. I don't even know if they paid attention, either.

Whatever, I guess I'll just post the top secret behind-the-scenes info on here.

[cut to a close-up of Shadow (chao)'s face, filled with scorn, anger, depression, and.. other emotions]
[majestic, yet somewhat depressing music plays as the camera zooms out oh-so-slowly]
[as it zooms out, it is revealed that Shadow is wearing a crown, and sitting on a throne]
[he is now a full-fledged Dark/Run chao (albeit green)]
[around the throne are many strange characters]
[as it keeps zooming out, Shadow (voice-over) gives a monologue to the viewers]
Shadow (VO): Well........ there I am. Shadow, the Green One.
King of ALL the land, too. Who'd have thought THAT?
But how did I come to this, I hear you ask?
And who are all those strange fellows that surround my throne, I hear you also say.
Come closer, and I'll tell you.
It's a long story. And it all started.... six months ago.
And what a trip THAT was!
It's what I like to call...
My Green Journey.
[the camera reaches about ten feet away from Shadow; two large doors close on the camera]
["DCA7" appears on-screen in cursive]

Now, TOP SECRET information! Remember DCAHall3? I said I'd make it for 2009, but I wasn't able to? It was gonna be a Left 4 Dead script, too, but I changed that. I've got a much better idea for a Halloween script. I'm gonna be working on it all year. It might not even take place in the future (breaking a beautiful tradition). So far, I've got one scene of it taking place on that highway Shade went on, back in Episode 40. Remember, after he destroyed Aperture Science? Yeah, THAT highway.

Anyway, I can't reveal too much, and I'm Still trying to work on a possibLe promo picture or something... I mean, I'm cErtainly not revealing the bad guy yet. There's a slim chaNce I'll reveal the bad guy in some promotional posts in fall or something... but, there's also a gooD chance I won't rEveal the bad guy at all. Those of you who are smaRt can probably figure out who the bad guy is really quick, then do a Google search, or suMmin'... but, then agAin, people don't even read these posts, aNyway.

Happy Halloween. :P

Monday, March 8, 2010


[cut to the Dark Garden, at least 30 years in the future (maybe more)]
[Shade has a cowboy hat, a stubble, and a shotgun]
[he is sitting in a rocking chair, shotgun across his lap]
[his cowboy hat is covering his face, and.. he's sleeping :P]
[as he snores, a loud crash comes from somewhere in the garden]
[Shade jolts up, pointing his shotgun at where the sound came from]
[he looks around, but not a single thing is out of place]
Shade: Oh..... must've been a dream.
[he relaxes]
Shade: I guess I'll... just... rest my eyes a bit more........ *snore*
[he falls asleep again]
[the camera focuses entirely on him as robotic legs are heard moving towards him]
[Shade's eyes open halfway]
?: Thank you for assuming the Party Escort Submission Position.
[Shade then realizes what he's looking at, and faints]
[the screen fades to black]
[noises are heard of something BIG being dragged out of the Dark Garden by a robot]

Coming soon, Projekt: Drattmannc0meth