Sunday, July 25, 2010

Don't drink and drive. Do drink and think.

So hey, folks. :D DJay here. ..who else would it be? :P Sorry. Stupid thing to say. ..well, I guess it could have been mLe, but she hasn't said much lately. WHATEVER I DIGRESS


I've been doing some heavy thinking, and for once, some heavy (not really) drinking. I shouldn't have done the latter, but that's more of a personal thing. Besides, it relaxed me. It made me rethink a lot of things. I think it's changed me as a person. Beer never sounded so good. o_o But it tastes horrible. Don't ever drink it. Especially not lite. Especially not warm. Especially not warm and lite. ..mitecha, after half a bottle of that (like I said, not heavy), you become incredibly relaxed. ....damn, I feel great. =) I'm not buzzed anymore, by the way; that was a few days ago. But like I said, it made me rethink some things, and I'm no longer as panicky as I used to be.

..what was I talking about? I dunno. Guess I'm tired right now. Uh.. wait. Hang on. Dammit, Jordan, focus. xD

RIGHT, right. So after thinking, I think I have some definite announcements regarding Dark Chao Adventures.

Dark Chao Adventures: The Radio Show (title pending)
Coming some time after Halloween. Definitely. I'm proud(er) of my voice (than I used to be), and I think I could prolly bring the seventy-three episodes to a books-on-tape format. Look forward to that.

 Dark Chao Adventures: Book of Faces, et cetera
Coming alongside the Radio Show. Allow me to elaborate. DCA is a big series, and its current fans have moved on. It needs... how you say... new fans. But I don't want to just show the scripts around the net; I want to introduce Shade and company to the world with audio. DCA's moving from one dimension to.. well, still one dimension, but now with sound. 

Dark Chao Adventures: War of the Gardens
DCAWG. Remember that? Yeah, it's been a while, hasn't it? I haven't really done much with it. Or anything. But I'm getting interested in adventure games again, and I think I might resume work on it. Maybe change it up a bunch.

Dark Chao Adventures: Halloween 2010
DCAHall3 is coming along right on schedule. :D ...though I haven't touched it since I finished the de facto Act II, which was at least a week ago. Don't worry, though. I'll get it done.

Dark Chao Adventures: Season Seven
DCA7 is our biggest season yet. I predict DCA8 to be even longer, though, if my plans work out accordingly. Nevertheless, the future episodes are on hold until further notice, not only because of DCAHall3, but also because of a lack of ideas. I'm not sure what video game I could be bothered to put as the next serial. Ideas include EarthBound (for real this time), The Legend of Zelda: Blankity Blank Blank, and Grand Theft Auto (again, for real).

Chao Chat: 200.1 FM
....damn, I'd completely forgotten about our little recurring station. I'll be sure to throw it into future eppies. Probably.

The Dark Chao Adventures Official Website
I still have some pages to make on there. Stuff like tons of character bios, and LINKS! Right! Links. I should also talk with Neff about developing on the radio player that's on the main page. Then I need to put in the Dark Chao Shorts, and.. more fan art? I dunno.

The Dark Chao Adventures Wiki
We have a Wiki. We've had one since April. Did I mention that yet? I'll put it in the links sidebar. I need editors. That could be anybody. Even you, occasional reader who never comments and I hope exists but probably doesn't.

DCA Rule 34
....never in a million years. I'm gonna pretend I never even uttered those words.

The Time to Work on Dark Chao Adventures...
is Halloween and beyond. I'm moving to England in two weeks, and then again to India in October. So from now on until then, DCAHall3 will be the only (or at least MAIN) thing to come out of my brain and onto my computer. From then on, I will have a lot of time on my hands. Plenty of time to convert every single episode to radio format, right? :D

Soon, I will be the British boy with an American accent living in India wearing a tuxedo, hat, scarf and 3D glasses who works on a Dark chao fanfic/radio show for complete strangers on the internet and (hopefully by then) his friends on Facebook (in between sessions of Rock Band 3 and hopefully talking to his future girlfriend). Imma just gonna let that sink in for a minute. If the tux were a trenchcoat and the hat a trilby, then it would be an utter dream come true for me. :3

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Dark Chao Adventures 2010 Halloween Special

"Sinister Serials of the Dark"

This ain't your father's Chao Garden.

Monday, July 12, 2010

FINALLY, the Quinquenquoi finale! :D

Dark Chao Adventures
Adventuring since 2005.

Episode Seventy-Three: The Final Day

The final installment of our little adventure begins in the Dark Garden...
[our heroes teleport into the Garden]
Chapter 1: Win Some, Lose Some
Shade: So Shadow, where'd he say the chaos drive is?
Shadow: If what he said was right, and I have no reason to doubt him, then it should be in.. THIS grave, here.
[they walk up to a gravestone that reads "Chad"]
Dark: Who the flick is "Chad?"
Shade: I have no idea. I always thought he was some old guy who nobody liked.
Shadow: Apparently, he's not a real chao. It's fake.
MK: Either way, I've been waiting for a chance to do this!
[Mecha's arms turn into two giant drills, and he digs down into the ground]
[he hits a box and takes it back up to the surface]
MK: Here. Open it.
[Shadow opens it, and inside is a note]
"Hey guys. Thought I'd steal your chaos drive. In replacement, here is a bomb. It will go off today. Love, Mephiles.
PS: I broke out of jail."
TD: Gimme the bomb. I'll defuse it.
[they find a bomb in the box and the Doll defuses it]
Shadow: Where do you think we can find him?
Shade: Hm. YO, EGGMAN!
[Eggman appears]
Egg: What, what, what is it?
Shade: We're looking for Mephiles. He broke out of jail. Where is he now?
Egg: If he broke out of jail, then he could be anywhere. That demon can do some pretty weird stuff.
[Levity appears]
Nite: He's in Euphoria.
Egg: Euphoria?
Nite: Euphoria.
Egg: Right. So.. there you go. He's down in the magnificent dystopia of Euphoria.
Shade: Well, we started our hunt there.. may as well end it, too.
Shadow: I'm not looking forward to this.
Dark: Does this mean we have to go through Bioshock? I mean, for real? 'Cause.. I'm not good at it.
Shade: Guess we'll find out when we get there.
MK: H..hey, don't forget, we're coming, too!
Shadow: You guys really want to join us?
Chao: Eh, you guys can, but I'm staying behind.
TD: Unlike him, we will. We've got nothing else to do.
Shadow: What about you, Zim?
Zim: I barely even do anything. I'm out of here.
[Zim and GIR uneventfully walk off-screen]
Egg: Okay. You're going to Euphoria now. Shalakazaaam!
[they teleport]
Nite: didn't have to say that, y'know.
Egg: I know...
Chapter 2: Back in the Saddle
[cut to the underwater city of Euphoria]
[our heroes find themselves in the Medical District]
[oh, and Red is also here]
Red: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. how'd I wind up trapped in this?
Shade: You were with us when we first went here. May as well come all the way.
Red: Aaaarrrrgghh... but I don't wanna go through Chao Talk again!
Dark: Euphoria. It's Euphoria. Not that.. that place.
Shade: Dark, man, you've gotta overcome your deep hatred for this place. I'm sure we'll be alright.
Shadow: Yeah, maybe Mallet can help us. Remember him? Now, where'd I put my radio...?
[he pulls out his radio]
MalletR: ..oh, you guys are back on, are ya?
Shadow: Yeah, uh.. sorry about taking so long. We were celebrating the script's fifth birthday.
MK: And E3. Don't forget to mention E3.
Shadow: Uh.. yeah, and E3.
MalletR: Well, I've been sittin' around in this submarine for a while, waitin' fer you guys to come back!
Shadow: did you survive for a month?
MalletR: I dunno, but it's better than the alternative, innit?
Shadow: Good point. Alright, so where do we go from here?
MalletR: There should be a door leading to a Bathysphere transit metro thing somewhere nearby.
[they find it]
MalletR: Right. Is it open?
[Shadow tries it]
Shadow: ..yeah, it is.
MalletR: Thought not. Now go back through the district, and-- what?
Shadow: The door's open.
MalletR: But.. but how?
Shadow: I don't know; it just is! We're going through now.
MalletR: But... uh.. okay, fine. We need to meet up. I'm in Neptunes R Us, remember?
[they go through Neptunes R Us, occasionally shooting up the place, but eventually finding the back rooms]
[in the back rooms, they see a submarine, and head toward it]
[suddenly, some sploicers dive down and set fire to it]
[even though our heroes fight off the sploicers, the submarine still burns far too much]
MalletR: *cough cough* Boys.. get out o' here! Kill Ryan! Kill him!
Shadow: But..!
TD: C'mon, kid. We gotta get out of here.
[they get out as fast as they can]
Shadow: Guys.. Mallet.. man, Mallet's dead!
Dark: He expected the Medical District emergency access door to close. He.. he's played Bioshock. Who was he?
Red: Wasn't he just an ice cream salesman?
Shade: Yeah, who happened to know the inner workings of the video game this city's based on?
TD: Wait, "based on..."
Shade: Yeah, the city's based on Bioshock, isn't it?
TD: Yeah. Simply based on it. Obviously, it's not identical. Just inspired... a lot.
Shadow: Of course! So there'll probably be some new tricks, some differences from the game.
Dark: That doesn't make me fear it any less, guys. D:
Shade: Heh, no, but it should make you look forward to this some more.
Chapter 3: The Hellion
[as they move back to the bathysphere, they get contacted by Andrew Ryder]
RyderR: You creep in like assassins.. yet you sneak out like thieves. You're no CIA spooks. You're just pests.
[Shade gestures for Shadow not to reply]
RyderR: No matter. The only way to deal with pests like you is to get rid of them!
[they move on, to a large, domed-in forest]
Shadow: What is THIS supposed to be?
TD: Seems to me like it's some kind of indoor.. oxygen factory.
[they explore the forest for a bit]
RyderR: I came here to build the impossible. You came here to rob what you could never build.
[Shadow shakes his head]
RyderR: Even the air you breathe is mine! Well, breathe deep... it'll give you a fond memory for when you no longer can.
[they pass by some posters that say "Mallet Lives!"]
Red: Whoa, Mallet is known around here?
MK: If he's on a poster like this, he's bound to have deep haters, as well. Must have done something pretty big.
Shadow: ..I think we should keep moving.
[they make it to the next Bathysphere, no incidents]
Shade: Odd. There's supposed to be a liiiittle bit more opposition than this.
Shadow: Hey, let's take advantage of it while we can, right?
Shade: ..good point.
[the Bathysphere takes them to the Entertainment Center (completely rebuilt and whatnot)]
[they then enter the NEXT bathysphere]
Shadow: Okay, I've never played Bioshock, but I'm sure it's not anywhere near THIS easy.
Dark: Not even close.
[the next stop is the City Hall, home of Andrew Ryder]
Shadow: Alright. Ryder should be in here somewhere.
Shade: ......I think I know where he is. C'mon, guys.
[they go up to the third floor, trying to ignore how this building has not been changed at all]
[in the third floor, they enter a door that has been spraypainted over to read "Ryder"]
RyderR: In the end, all that matters to me.. is me. All that matters to YOU is you. It is the nature of life.
[Shade nods at Mecha, who kicks the door down]
[Ryder is not visible upon first sight]
RyderR: Does your master hear me? Mallet?! I am here, Mallet!
[finally, Shadow picks up the radio]
Shadow: Mallet is DEAD, Andrew.
RyderR: Ah, the parasite decides to speak! Tell me, boy.. how does it feel to see this magnificent city?
Shadow: It feels sickening. I've seen it all before.
RyderR: Yes, of course.. I've heard stories of you. The lost city of Chao Talk.. and the gang of travelers.
MK: Crap, he knows us.
RyderR: Tell me... is the one called "Shade" there?
[they all look at Shade]
[Shade grabs the radio]
Shade: What do you want, Ryder?
RyderR: Shade, you know who I am. Could you maybe tell the audience-- and Shadow-- who I am? Go on.
[Shade looks at Shadow]
Shade: Kid...
Shadow: Do you really know who he is?
Shade: I've had a hunch.
Shadow: Then who is that crazy cook?
Shade: He's.. your father.
Shadow: Wh..what? Ryder, is that true?
RyderR: It cannot be any more true, my child. Now that you know your legacy, perhaps it will make the rest of this easier.
Shadow: The rest of.. what?
RyderR: Could you maybe.. come into my office?
[Shadow walks into the office in front of him]
[Ryder walks out from around a corner, appearing at the top of a staircase in front of Shadow]
[he is a green Dark chao of about Shawn's age]
Ryder: We meet at last.
Shadow: Ryder...
Ryder: Oh, can the contempt! You know nothing of me, nor my works. Your only knowledge of me is what that Mallet fiend said.
Shadow:'re.. you're right.
[the door behind him closes]
Ryder: I've heard many tales of you, Shadow. I hear you are the Green One these days.
Shadow: That.. that's right.
[Ryder begins walking down the staircase]
Ryder: I hear you were able to do great things for Doctor Eggman. I hear he's a Veteran now.
Shadow: Um.. well.. yes. You know of the Committee?
Ryder: Of course I do! Boy, they've had their eyes on me for some time now.
Shadow: They have? Hm.. well, what else have you heard?
Ryder: I hear you actually destroyed Metal Sonic.
Shadow: It's not like it was hard, or anything.
[Shade is heard behind the door shouting "YEAH, IT WAS! DON'T LIE!"]
Ryder: *chuckle* I see the Grey One is becoming jealous. You kids haven't changed a bit.
Shadow: Wait, wait, wait.. how can you be my father? Zero kidnapped me and raised me as a child soldier.
Ryder: Yes, he kidnapped you. He stole you away from me. Soon after that, I left the Gardens. Let me clear some space.

I was in a rage. I dedicated many years of my life to searching the Chao World for you. After some years, I came across this
old city.. Chao Talk. I went in to search for you, and found myself lost in its massiveness after not too long. Do you want
to know another shocking truth? Once I entered this city, I never left it. Ever. The story of me becoming president? It's
all a fabricated lie to get people to believe this is a new city, a new, changed one that will not kill you.

Shadow: Wait, wait, wait.. but who fabricated the lie?
Ryder: Ah, yes.. I think I'll let your friends in now and tell everyone the next plot twist.
[Ryder opens the door and lets everyone in]
Ryder: We're not underwater.
All: WHAT?!
Red: That is absolutely absurd!
TD: What the heck are you smoking, man?
Shade: There's tons of water out there! Fish! Bubbles!
Ryder: Let me rephrase that. Euphoria never existed.
[they're still confused, except Dark]
Dark: ...I get it.
[they look at Dark]
Dark: You're saying Chao Talk is messing with us again?
Ryder: Exactly. We're still in the Tlekozamfa.
Shadow: So.. so you were never president; that was just a clever ruse by Red Metal?
Ryder: I'm afraid it might have not been the only ruse.
Shade: You're talking about Mallet, aren't you?
Ryder: Ivan Corey Mallet is not as he seems.
Shadow: What do you mean? He's dead.
Ryder: Are you sure? How did he die?
Shadow: He.. he was in a submarine that the sploicers--I mean.. the splicers.. they set it on fire.
Ryder: How do you know he was ever IN that submarine?
Red: We don't.
Ryder: Exactly. The chances of him actually staying in the submarine for a whole month are pretty slim.
Shadow: So then.. if he's not dead.. then where is he?
Ryder: No idea. All I know is, you boys had better watch yourselves. Maybe try getting out of here?
Shadow: No! We need to find Mephiles. He has a chaos drive.
Ryder: Mephiles? Who the heck is Mephiles?
?: I AM, FOOL!
[now at the top of the staircase is Mephiles]
Mp: I am surprised you fools managed to get this far without DYING a HORRIBLE, UNDERSEA DEATH.
Shadow: We're not underwater.
Mp: Haha, you idiots couldn't ev--what?
Shadow: The water. We're not under it.
Mp: Whoa, seriously? That's pretty intense. So where are we?
Red: We're still in the Unthinkable Valley.
Mp: ****. Then what's with all the water outside the--
[they look up at the sky window thing; just sky]
Mp: Uh-oh.
Chapter 4: Electric Eye
Mp: Guys. We've.. really gotta get out of here.
Shadow: Why? You're the whole reason we went back down here!
Mp: Yeah, well, that's when I didn't realize this place wasn't Euphoria.
Dark: You're stupid.
Mp: Shut up!
Shadow: *sigh* Hey, Eggman, you there?
[Eggman appears]
Egg: What's up?
Shadow: Mephiles gave up. Let's go.
Mp: What?!
Egg: Okay. Hang on juuuuust one second.
[Eggman disappears]
Mp: Now you guys listen-- I did NOT just give up. I never give up! I'm Mephiles! I'm the freaking DEMON of..... uh...
MK: Darkness?
Mp: Eh, probably.
TD: **** you, man. I'M the demon of darkness and evil and.. curses.
Shade: Hey, actually, that brings me to wonder... could this show technically be a Tails Doll story?
TD: A really long one, dedicated to me? Sure, but it's not doing me justice.
Shade: How so?
TD: Well, for a story to be actually a Tails Doll story, I must be the main antagonist, and.. I gotta be ME!
MK: Y'know, speaking of... you've been slacking off, Dollface.
TD: Yeah, yeah, well..
MK: I mean, c'mon! You used to be going around, stealing people's souls left and right!
TD: Well, I'm trying to quit.
Red: Wow, are you really?
TD: Yeah. It's.. it's just not healthful, y'know? I'm trying to cut it down to about three souls a day.
Mp: Oh, I hear you, man, I mean.. being a demon isn't all it's cut out to be.
TD: Oh, totally, yeah... I.. I agree. Completely.
Mp: It's just.. yeah. A LOT of hard work.
TD: Yeah, I just can't find the time anymore. Ever since the boss disappeared...
Shadow: Wait, hang on. Hang on, hang on, HANG ON.
All: Whaaaat?
Shadow: Tails Doll, you mean.. Metal Sonic, right? Metal Sonic is gone?
TD: That's what I've been saying for this whole serial!
Shadow: But.. I mean... I killed him, or rather, I WILL kill him.. but I mean, I DID, but it's in the future...
Shade: He's saying we traveled to the future and killed him there.
Shadow: But he was Neo Metal Sonic! That's.. that's him in the future!
TD: Hrm.
MK: WHAT IF THE PANDORICA IS OPENING? And it's creating all these cracks in space?
MK: But the sun is really the TARDIS, and we don't have that.
Dark: What if we go to the post office and steal a phone booth?
MK: No, what if we get Eggman to take us back to the 60s so we can get a police box?
Shadow: Guys! GUYS!
Dark: NO! Let's fly Eggman into the sun!
[Mecha and Dark shut up]
Shadow: ...thank you. Anyway, if what I think is true, then there's only one way Metal could be gone.
Ryder: You mean if his future self was his present self.
Shadow: Exactly, Ryder. But that would mean Metal can travel through time at will.
Ryder: You! Red robot guy.
MK: You called?
Ryder: How often did your boss actually appear at your base of operations?
MK: Uh...
Shade: He means "how much did you see Metal?"
MK: Well, usually a couple times a day, 'cause he was always going out to do something or other.
Shadow: Ah-ha. And The Cremator was completely off-screen and, hell, off the script before we got to that one place.
Shade: *shudder* District 2... man.
Shadow: So here we have plenty of time left unaccounted for. He could have easily just gone through time and whatnot.
Ryder: Hell, he doesn't even need that much time, if he's got a time machine.
Shadow: Excellent point. So I'd say my theory is pretty likely.
MK: Could you please tell me your theory, slowly, and with simple words? You're going a little fast.
Shadow: Okay. I killed your boss.
Shade: Hm. That leaves us with the question of "Why did he need to be in two times at once?"
Red: I have a much better question.
Shade: Yeah?
Red: Why isn't Eggman back yet?
Ryder: Mhmhmhm... yeah, that IS a good question.
Shade: Wait, didn't the Veterans once tell us about something or other?
Dark: They might have.
Shade: No. I meant... I thought they mentioned, like... some sort of bad guy? He was down in Euphoria...
Shadow: ..and he's the REAL reason we were taken out of here in the first place?
Shade: And he had the power to bend the script at will, too.
Shadow: Yeah, that guy. Ryder, do you know who this guy might be?
Ryder: Someone who.. wha? Any more info you can recall about this fellow?
Shade: Wait, yeah... there was one more, wasn't there?
Shadow: Something about symptoms...
Shade: AH! This person was the result of some new development.
Ryder: ..I can only think of one other dude who was the result of ANY new development, and that's....... me!
Shadow: Ryder? But.. can you bend the script at will?
Ryder: I.. I don't know. How would one go about doing that?
Shade: Ya just gotta.. think it.
Ryder: Hmmm...
[Shadow's radio turns on]
Shadow: Whoa.
Ryder: Wait, no, that's not right.
[coughing is heard from the other end of the radio]
Shade: That's pretty powerful script-bending powers you've got.
Ryder: But I'm not doing that!
Radio: Boy... boy... help...
Shadow: ...Mallet?
Chapter 5: The Chamber of 32 Doors
Shadow: Mallet, are you okay? Where are you? What happened?
MalletR: I'm... happy.
MalletR: Dark.. open Amnizu's door for me, would you kindly?
Dark: Oh, I ain't falling for your mind control, Giygas! Nuh-uh! No way!
[Dark is currently standing in front of a door labelled "Amnizu"]
[he's reaching for the doorknob]
MalletR: That's it, boy.. open that door.
[Dark opens the door; the rest of the gang just watches with curiosity and fear]
[the door leads down a long, dark hallway to a single, well-lit door]
MalletR: Now, son, couldja mebby walk up to THAT door in front o' yeh, and open IT, as well?
[Dark slowly walks down the long and dark hallway]
Shade: This is crazy. We've been here before. All that happens is that the door down there crushes you.
[Dark makes it to the door]
MalletR: Good. Open it.
[the rest of the gang moves up to the Amnizu door to get a closer look]
[Dark reaches for the doorknob... and turns it]
Shade: Well. So much for my recollection.
[behind this door is another long, dark hallway, leading up to another well-lit door]
MalletR: That's it, boy. Keep going.
[Dark moves further down the hall (followed far behind by the others), and opens the next door]
[behind it is yet another long, dark hallway, leading up to yet another well-lit door]
[and it keeps going for several doors]
[eventually, Dark reaches his tenth door, and is getting ready to open it]
Shade: YO, DARK!
[Dark turns to look at Shade]
[the next door opens by itself, slowly]
Shade: ....HEAD..... um.. b..back...?
[Dark turns around, and sees another long, dark hallway]
[at the end of THIS one, however, is a tall, cloaked figure]
MalletR: Okay, you wanna come up here? I'm lookin' forward to shakin' yer hand!
[the previous quote plays again and again, getting more and more distorted]
[the cloaked figure begins gliding towards them]
(Note: It's like it's walking.. but you can't see its legs move. Y'know. Gliding. Sliding. Hovering along the ground.)
[our heroes run like a bat outta hell through all ten or so hallways]
[yet they're still not back to the main hall place]
[they look ahead and see about ten more hallways]
[they turn around and see the one hall, with the cloaked figure hovering even closer]
Shadow: ...he's bending the script!
Shade: Ack, the kid's right! Dark, get back here!
Dark: I... I... okay!
[Dark turns and runs back to them; a door closes between him and the others]
[Shade tries opening the door, but to no avail]
Shade: Mecha!
MK: Got it.
[Mecha charges into the door; it stays put]
Shade: Try it again!
MK: I was gonna!
[he charges into it again]
[the door is busted open; the cloaked figure is almost to Dark]
Dark: Aiieeee! Help me!
Shade: C'mon, Dark!
[Dark follows them out]
Shadow: Where are we gonna go now? We've tried going back before, and it didn't work!
Shade: If that guy can bend the script, then... then... so can I.
TD: You can bend the script?!
Shade: I sure as hell hope so. Follow me.
[they head towards the door]
[Eggman appears at the other end]
Egg: Guys! Guys! Sorry I'm late. You say you have Mephiles? Excellent. Let's leave.
Shade: Eggman! Just the deus ex machina I wanted to see.
Egg: Wha? Oh. Oh! *chuckle* Good point. Alright, c'mon, guys!
[Eggman whisks them away]
Chapter 6: Never Walk Alone... A Call to Arms
[cut to the void]
Ryder: Um.. thank you, Doctor, for saving us.
Egg: It's no problem at all. I can see you met the, uh.. the fugitive?
Dark: He was coming for me...
Egg: Yes, well.. that's because he's your fa--
Shade: Yeah, uh, Eggman.. we have encountered him before.
Dark: He told me we'd come back, that there were parts of the city we'd never seen before.
Red: Wait, when did he tell you this?
Dark: He.. left it in a note. For my eyes only. The last time we were there.
Red: Do you think he was referring to this time?
Shade: Let's hope so. Let's hope we're finally done with that accursed city.
Egg: Now, did you manage to get the chaos drive?
Ryder: Chaos drive? Hmm.. I think I know where that may be.
[cut back again to Chao Talk; the city hall; Ryder's office]
Ryder: Right. Well, I remember exploring this place, back when I thought it was actually my place.
Shade: And you think you remember seeing a chaos drive?
Ryder: Yes. In the secret passage below the elevator shaft.
[Mecha Knuckles and the Tails Doll back away]
MK: Yeah, uh.. you guys can go alone.
TD: We're.. staying up here.
MK: We're *******.
Shade: That's fine. We can do this by ourselves, right, guys?
Ryder: Uh.. actually, Shade, if it's alright.. I wanna go down there alone with my son.
Shade: Oh. O..okay. That's fine.
Shadow: Why just us?
Ryder: I'll tell you later.
[they head to the elevator and ride it down to the second floor]
Ryder: Right, now to get to the passage, we need to enter the shaft, which means the elevator must stay here.
[they head to the first floor via staircase]
Shadow: So why just us?
Ryder: Actually, I have no idea. I just thought it would be cool.
Shadow: ..oh.
[they enter the elevator shaft and see a bricked-up passageway]
Ryder: Right. Crap. Uh.. you know anyone with a crowbar?
Shadow: I think Shade has one.
Shade: I do.
[Shadow screams; Shade had followed them]
Shade: I thought I'd come along, just in case you needed me.
Ryder: Smart. Crowbar, please.
Shade: No way! I don't give my crowbar to NOBODY.
Ryder: Then.. then break down this obstacle.
Shade: Fine.
[Shade breaks it down]
Shade: I'll scout ahead to see if it's safe.
Ryder: Be my guest.
[Shade enters, and finds it really dark]
Shade: Ugh, I can't see anything! Anybody got a light?
[someone turns on a flashlight]
[he sees a squadron of about five soldiers pointing guns at him]
Shade: Uh... thanks for the light, guys?
[they prepare to fire]
Shade: Wait! Wait. I have one request.
[the leader tells them to hold their fire]
Shade: Do it like a firing squad. Y'know.. a firing squad?
[the leader then tells them to ready their weapons]
[Shade puts his hand around his back, and shapes it like a gun]
[Shade points his gun-shaped hand at the soldier on the far end]
Shade: Bang.
[the soldiers fire their guns]
[but Shadow had snuck up behind the soldier on the far end and pushed him over, knocking over the whole lot like dominoes]
[and that somehow makes the soldiers die]
Shade: Good, you remembered the signal.
Ryder: Wait, signal?
Shadow: Whenever Shade puts his hand behind his back and shapes it like a gun, that's a signal for the "domino" tactic.
Ryder: ...huh.
Shade: Okay, somebody take that flashlight.
[Shadow takes it]
Shade: Good. Let's move on, see where this little corridor leads.
[the corridor leads into a small cavern-ish room with a table and writing on the wall]
Shadow: Hang on, I think there's another flashlight on this table. Ryder, you want it?
Ryder: Um... sure. Thanks.
Shade: What's this stuff on the wall say?
Shadow: ..."No hope."
Ryder: Well! That's encouraging.
Shade: Hey, you're the one who said the drive was down here.
Ryder: I didn't realize this place was so dark before.
Shade: It's NOT dark, it's.......
Ryder: Yeah?
Shade: Never mind. It doesn't... it's not the same with you.
[they find that the path ahead is blocked by a bunch of boarded-up.. wood.. stuff]
Shade: I got this one.
[he breaks the wood down and they continue]
[the cavern becomes icy and frozen and whatnot]
[they turn a corner and find an underground, frozen river]
Shadow: Ryder, do you remember where the drive is?
Ryder: Kinda. Sorta. I just know it's down here.
Shade: But this is a dead-end!
?: Looking for something?
[they turn and shine their flashlights at the only way out-- the cloaked figure is there]
Chapter 7: Lucretia
Shade: You...
?: Relax! It's me.
[the figure takes off its cloak and reveals itself to be Shade Junior on stilts]
Shade: Junior? What are you doing here?
SJR: The Veterans sent me here to help you guys on your quest.
Shade: ..they.. did? Okay. Do you know where the chaos drive is?
SJR: Oh, yes, certainly! But it's not down here.
Shadow: Then where is it?
SJR: Follow me. I shall take you to it.
[Junior leads the three out of the cavern, and through the city hall]
SJR: It is in the Daedalus Labs, just opposite this building.
Ryder: Those old labs? But I could never even enter that damn place.
SJR: That is because it was locked. I shall open it for you.
Ryder: Huh?
Shade: It's okay. My son's got some weird as hell connection with the city, or whatever. He's a..... what's it called?
SJR: "Tour Guide."
Shade: There we go. He's a Tour Guide.
Ryder: A Turgii? But Turgii are beings of pure Remtal.
Shade: No, no, see.. he's a TOUR GUIDE. They're these people who know the inner workings of the city, and are all weirdy.
Ryder: But.. but I renamed them "Turgii." The beings of pure Remtal who know the secrets of Euphoria.
Shade: Ah, but see, Junior USED to be a Tour Guide. He's not anymore. He just happens to still know the secrets... wait.
[Shade stops walking]
Shadow: What?
Shade: The city always changes. If Junior's not a Guide anymore, he shouldn't know the...
[Shade runs up to Shade Junior]
Shade: Junior, are you a Guide again?
SJR: Don't touch me.
Shade: Wha?
SJR: I'll explain as we move on. Come. Into the labs.
[Junior leads them into the Daedalus Labs, which suddenly transform into "Ryder Industries"]
SJR: The city developed a new defense mechanism to hold back Red Metal. More on that later.
Shade: Um.. okay.
SJR: You see, Red Metal has evolved over time. It can now manipulate your minds.
Shadow: So it can make us hallucinate, and such? So that's why this place looks like Bioshock?
SJR: Correct.
Shade: How did it evolve, exactly?
SJR: That's the thing-- the chaos drive was able to amplify its power.
Shadow: So the chaos drive.. helped the Red Metal?
SJR: Yes. If you take the chaos drive, there's no telling what will happen to the city.
Shade: Does this mean any Tour Guides will do their best to steer us away from the drive?
SJR: .....why, yes. That's right.
Shade: Of course, you're not a Guide anymore. Right?
[Junior stops walking]
SJR: I am not a Tour Guide, Shade.
[he turns around and shifts into a cloaked figure]
SJR: I am THE Tour Guide.
Shade: KNEW it! Guys, let's scoot.
[the three run as fast as they can]
TG: Bare this in mind, Green One.. you will not get that chaos drive. I shall make sure of it.
[they head back into the elevator shaft and enter the cavern]
Shade: Okay, let's make this quick. I know now that Ryder was right. The drive IS in here.
Shadow: Otherwise the Guide wouldn't have been so quick to get us out, right?
Shade: Exactly. Look carefully, guys.
[they enter the dead-end cavern and look around]
Ryder: What's this in the frozen river?
[they look and see a sparkling yellow light]
Shadow: That's it!
TG: That is not yours.
[the Guide has entered the room]
Shade: Back off, Kilburn.
TG: Kilburn? No, Grey One, I am not Dark's father.
Shade: Wha? But.. but HE'S...
TG: Kilburn is no longer with us. I am the Tour Guide now.
Ryder: ..Shade, help Shadow get the drive.
Shade: What?
Ryder: I'll take care of this guy.
Shade: Okay. Stand back, Shadow!
[Shade smacks his crowbar into the ice]
Shade: Ugh, this stuff is tough. It may take a while.
Shadow: C'mon, Shade, dig! Dig!
Shade: I'm trying!
Ryder: Guys, he's not moving.
Shadow: What?
Ryder: The Tour Guide.. he's not moving.
[the Tour Guide has folded its arms, and is watching Shade]
Shadow:, why would he be...?
Shade: I've got something!
[Shadow looks down and sees Shade strike the ice; the chaos drive is now grabbable]
Shade: Take it, Shadow! Take it!
Shadow: But why...?
[Shadow looks further up the river and sees a frozen corpse]
Shadow: ..Shade!
Shade: Wha?
[Shade sees it, too]
Shade: Holy nelly, what the?
[the frozen corpse comes to life and begins digging through the ice towards the chaos drive]
Shade: That's Kilburn!
Shadow: That's Dark's father?
TG: As I said, he is no longer with us.
Shadow: ......ah, screw it.
[Shadow grabs the chaos drive and absorbs it or whatever chao do with those things]
[suddenly, Wilson Kilburn burts up through the ice and grabs Shadow]
Shadow: Holy crap! Ugh, he's all bloody and gross! Get him off me!
Shade: I got him!
[Shade whacks Kilburn a couple times; he falls over; Shade grabs Shadow and they run]
Shadow: Ryder!
Ryder: You two go on.
Shade: What are you doing, man? You've gotta come with us!
Ryder: No. Just trust me on this one. I've got to stay here for now.
Shadow: Ryder! .....Dad..!
Shade: C'mon, Shadow!
[Shade grabs Shadow and pulls him out of the cavern]
[they hurry back up to the third floor]
Shade: Eggman! Eggman!
Egg: You have it now?
Shade: Yes! He's got it! Let's go! NOW!
Egg: Um.. yes, right!
[Eggman takes them all to the void]
Chapter 8: Los Endos
[cut to the void; Mecha, the Doll, Shade, Shadow, Dark, Red, and Mephiles are all gathered together]
MK: So? What happened? And where's Ryder?
Shade: Ryder couldn't come. Shadow got the drive.
TD: Nice job, kid.
[Eggman and Levity Nite appear]
Egg: Well done, fellows. Shadow.
Shadow: ........
Nite: Unfortunately, we do not have time to help you get the next chaos drive.
Shade: What do you mean?
Nite: In fact, we do not have time to help you get ANY more. Your escapades at Chao Talk have caused violent repercussions.
Shade: In English?
Egg: Well, without giving away confidential information, that Tour Guide is still bending the scripts, trying to get at us.
Nite: And Echo is not feeling his best. So we must give you the details quickly.
MK: Just give it to us straight.
Egg: Very well. The next two chaos drives are in-- wait, no.
Nite: We shall split you up into two groups. You four chao, come with me.
[the four chao go with Levity]
Nite: Now, then.. while the other three hunt for one chaos drive, you shall hunt for this one.
Shade: And when they find theirs, you'll give it to Shadow?
Nite: Essentially.
Red: Right, so where's ours?
Nite: According to survey data, it is somewhere in the Sancheria forest on the Chao World. Same time period, of course.
Red: The future?
Nite: Correct. Hurry now and get it!
[Levity sends them away]

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

ohshitohshitohshitohshit part 4

Ahhhhhhhhhhh crabcakes. WHOA I DIDN'T SWEAR. HEY GUYS I'M CURED!

Dark Chao Adventures
Adventuring since 2005.

Episode Seventy-Two: Day Two

Our story resumes in the Los Angeles Convention Center, at the Electronic Entertainment Expo...
Chapter 1: Get off of My Cloud
[our heroes spend the day looking around, playing some games]
Chao: Wait, so no press conferences today?
Shade: Not really.
Chao: So why are we still here, again?
Shadow: No, wait, I think Chao has a good point. Why did we come here?
MK: Wasn't it.. uh.. the caves led us here.
Shadow: Yeah, but why were we in the caves?
TD: To look for the chaos drive, right?
Shadow: There we go. And whatsisname said the chaos drive was in the Dark Garden.
[our four gaming nerds (Shade, Dark, Mecha and the Tails Doll) run off to the Activision booth]
[they point and laugh for a bit]
[they come back]
Dark: Sorry, what were you saying?
Shadow: ..we need to look for the chaos drive.
[some random dude comes up to them]
Dude: Hey, nice costumes. Those your kids?
MK: Uh.. yeah. These are our kids. We got them to dress up like chao. Ain't they adorable?
Dude: Yeah, they're cute.
TD: Listen, person. We're looking for a chaos drive. Any idea where those are?
Dude: Chaos drives? You mean.. from Sonic Adventure 2?
MK: Those are the ones.
Dude: Aren't they in every stage? Like.. you gotta destroy robots to get 'em.
TD: You misunderstand me. I mean LITERALLY, where are they? Here, in real life?
Dark: You mean... our life isn't real?!
Dude: Hahahaha, nice reference, kid. You know about DCA?
Dark: Um... sure. I love fan fiction.
Dude: I'm surprised you guys know. I mean.. like.. NOBODY reads Sonic fanfiction anymore.
Shade: Yeah, gotta agree with you there.
Dude: ..oh, man, you're dressed as post-Grey Journey Shade, aren't you?
Shade: Uh.... why, yes, I am. He's dressed as Dark, he as Shadow, and him as Season seven Chao.
Dude: Ohh, man, Chao only just recently became a dark chao, didn't he? Man, you guys are up-to-date.
Chao: Very, yes.
Dude: I think.. I think we're the only guys who still read the new ones.
Shade: I think so, too. ..who are you, again?
Dude: Oh, I'm.. I'm Charles Boberson. I'm a long-time reader, but I don't comment. Who are you guys?
MK: Come with us, and we'll tell you.
Chapter 2: Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn
[they lead him out of the convention center]
Charles: Where are we going?
Shade: Back to our house.
[they search through LA for a bit]
TD: ..wait, where'd it go?
MK: The cave?
TD: Yeah! It's gone!
Chao: Is it really?
TD: Well, I can't find it, and I think this is where we entered.
Charles: Huh? Cave? You mean.. like the one the DCA guys went through last episode?
Shade: That exact one. We can't find it.
Charles: guys know DCA isn't real, right? There's no cave in Los Angeles that leads to the Dark Garden.
Shade: Well, not anymore. There WAS one.. somehow. I think. Or maybe the cave led us to a teleporter?
Chao: That would explain the blinding flash of white light we encountered.
Charles: You mean.. you mean that THEY encountered. Guys, it's fun to cosplay, but.. really.
Zim: Oh, can it, Earth bean. We are not cosplaying. I am the true ZIM!
GIR: And I'm me!
MK: Will the real Mecha Knuckles please stand up? Please stand up? Oh, that's right; I AM standing up!
TD: Real. And I can still curse people, so don't doubt us.
Shadow: But yeah, we're real. And I really need to find that chaos drive.
Charles: No way. You can't be serious.
MK: Ah, you caught us. We're Bang Camaro in costumes.
Shade: Some of us are flexible enough to fit in these damn chao costumes, too.
Charles: But.. but.. but DCA's not real! It's fan fiction!
TD: And we hate to break it to you, but.. that means YOU'RE not real, either.
Charles: Wh..wha?
MK: Whoa, that's an awesome idea for a book. Guy lives life, guy finds out his whole life was just fan fiction.
Shade: Wasn't that a Red Dwarf episode?
Dark: No, I've got one! Guy lives life, guy finds out his whole life was just so he could say "Hi" to the character the fan fiction is based around.
Shade: Nice.
Charles: But aw, no, that's... aaaahhhhhhh!!!
Chao: Whoa, Dark, I think you just explained this poor guy's life.
Dark: Oh.
Dark: I'm sorry, buddy.
Charles: What am I gonna do?! This is horrible!
Shade: Well, for starters, since your life has no meaning anymore, you can give it meaning by helping us.
Charles: I.. I guess I could do that. You said you wanted to get home?
Dark: Please.
Charles: Well.. okay, I think I can help. I can take you guys to this one Chao Transporter nearby.
Shade: You know about a Chao Transporter, yet you didn't think we were real?
Charles: I thought the Chao Transporter was fake.
[Charles gets to his car or whatever and drives our heroes off onto the highway]
Chapter 3: St. Andrews (This Battle is in the Air)
[on the highway, Charles drives them down to the seaside]
Shade: Okay, cool, is this guy some kind of beach hut witch doctor, or something?
Charles: Something like that.
[he drives the car onto the beach and drives towards the ocean]
MK: Uh.. heh heh.. dude? Whatcha doing?
[he slams on the gas]
Dark: ****, HE'S FLIPPIN' A *****!
[they try the doors]
Dark: It's no good! The child safety locks are on!
Charles: *wild laughter* If my life is meaningless, then I don't give a damn anymore! You guys can come along, too!
MK: Unlock the ****ing doors, man!
Charles: No way!
Zim: GIR. Grab the wheel.
GIR: But I don't have a license! :c I'll get arrested.
Zim: Do it for the hell of it.
[GIR hops up and grabs the wheel]
Charles: Hey! No! Get off!
[the car swerves around and the people on the beach run away]
[Mecha leaps for the wheel, too]
[Mecha rips the wheel right off]
[all of them stare at Mecha, holding the wheel in his hands]
MK: ...uhh... heh. Guess I don't know my own strength.
Charles: Guess you're going down with me, then.
Shadow: Guess again, buddy.
[the car is currently driving into some kind of.. thing that will stop the car slowly]
Shade: "Some kind of thing that will stop the car slowly?" That's the best you can come up with?
[look, I don't know much about how to stop a car, okay?]
[Charles sighs, and unlocks all the doors]
[our heroes get out]
[Charles leaves]
Chao: I must admit, Shade, I never once thought you were capable of getting a grown man to want to end his life.
Shade: Eh, look at it like this-- he's not a real person.
Chao: Yes, but it's still quite the mature theme.
Shadow: "Mature theme?"
Shade: Pfft, now you're trying to make us seem like some poncy little pretentious... thing.
TD: Hey, Zim. Thanks for getting GIR to save us.
Zim: Eh, it's no problem. We're just the two guys who stay quiet, but occasionally save the day.
TD: Yeah, but.. still. Thanks.
Chao: Shade, how we look doesn't matter. How the heck are we supposed to get home now?
MK: ..wait a minute. I can fly.
[the chao faint (anime-style!)]
Shadow: How the hell do you forget something like that?!
MK: I.. I don't know!
Shade: Mecha, we need you to fly us to Zim's house.
Zim: Eh? Why mine?
Shade: Don't you have a teleporter?
Zim: I have it on me right now.
[everyone else faints]
TD: Teleport us back to the Dark Garden, man!
Zim: Okay! Hold your horses.
Chapter 4: Distant Early Warning
[they arrive in the Dark Garden]
[Red is there]
Red: Hey, guys!
[also Levity Nite is here]
Nite: Back from E3 so soon?
Shade: Yeah.. all the press conferences are over.
Nite: You have not yet found the third chaos drive.
Shadow: Yeah, about that... it's in this Garden, right? Not in California?
Nite: Correct. It is not anywhere on the Earth.
Shadow: Then what's up with that strange cave taking us there?
Nite: That was a little.. prototype teleporter.. ah, don't worry too much about it.
MK: Dude, could you just give us a little hint as to where this thing is?
Nite: Why would I have to give you any hints? This is a very small garden.
Chao: But I've had access to all of this garden for two years now. I know it inside and out.
Shade: And I know it even better than HE does, but we can't find anything.
Nite: Isn't there someone who knows it even better than you?
[Levity suddenly fades away]
Shade: Someone who knows the Dark Garden better than I?
Shadow: IS there someone like that, Shade?
Shade: I.. I don't know.
Shade: OH!
[Levity appears again]
Nite: You want me to take you guys anywhere?
Shade: Yes. Take us to the Chao World... to a certain small hut.
[the chao find themselves in the Chao World, outside a certain small hut]
Shade: The only person who knows the Dark Garden better than even I do...
[inside the hut is Shawn the Dark, coughing heavily]
Shade: ..whoa, Dad, are you alright?
Shawn: Son.. *hack hack cough* what.. what is it?
Shade: Well, um.. we.. we came because there's supposedly a chaos drive in the Dark Garden.
Shawn: Oh.. oh that? *cough cough cough* That's.. a deeply guarded secret.. handed down from generation to generation.
Shade: And why did I never find out about it?
Shawn: You're a.. a swim chao at heart. I could tell. This is a Run drive. Not for you.
Shade: Well, my friend Shadow is--
Shawn: Yep, he's a run chao. Alright, kid, come here.
[Shadow comes closer to Shawn]
[Shawn whispers something to him]
Shadow: Oh, wow, I never would have guessed that!
Shade: Wait, Dad, if it's only passed down to run chao...
Shawn: Well, to run chao or whenever the chao actually needs to know about it.
Shadow: We've got the info. Let's go.
Shawn: Go on, guys. *cough hack wheeze*
[the chao leave; the Tails Doll stays]
TD: ...hey, man. What's wrong with you?
Shawn: I'm.. I'm reverting.
TD: Reverting? To what?
[Shawn shakes his head]
TD: ...oh, ****.
Shawn: I.. didn't have the heart to tell him.
TD: I don't think even I can tell him.
Shawn: I guess he'll just have to find out the hard way.
TD: Yeah... listen, keep up a positive attitude. You can fight out of this somehow.
Shawn: I fear it may end up worse than last time.
TD: ..damn.
[the Tails Doll leaves]

Okay, we're up to date now. Now you just gotta wait for the final Quinquenquoi eppy.

ohshitohshitohshitohshit part 3

SHITFUCK, I keep swearing. I am SO sorry. I'll stop now.

Dark Chao Adventures
Adventuring since 2005.

Episode Seventy-One: QuinQuenQuoi

Our story resumes at the end of the Dark Tunnel Cave Place Thing. Of No Return.
Chapter 1: El Dorado
[the eight characters suddenly meet up at the end of the tunnel]
Shade: Whoa. Did you guys just...
Dark: ..hear some random voice talk to us? Yep.
Shadow: Where in the world do these caves lead?
MK: Damn, kid, will you quit askin' that? We'll find out when we find out!
[they reach the light at the end of the tunnel]
[the light blinds them]
[when it fades, they find themselves in Los Angeles, California]
All: What the?
Shade: I didn't know the Dark Garden was in Los Angeles.
Chao: Explains why the water's red.
TD: WAIT! Guys! Do you know what ELSE is in LA?
GIR: Arby n' the Chief?
Dark: Hollywood?
Shadow: Wait, no, you don't mean...
[the gang runs off-screen as fast as possible]
[cut to the Los Angeles Convention Center]
TD: Get ahold of yourself, Mecha.
MK: I'm sorry! It's just so... eeeek!
Shade: We need tickets first, don't we?
Dark: ****. Who has monies?
Zim: Calm your foolish terrestrial nerves. The awesome ZIM!!! has some of your pathetic Earth monies.
[Zim pays the fare and they enter the left building, wandering around]
Shadow: Wait, guys. Someone needs to ask the obligatory "Exposition" question.
GIR: Me! Me! I wanna do it! ....whatsa happenin'?!?!
Shade: Three words, GIR. Electronic Entertainment Expo.
Dark: E3!
Chao: Are you telling me that we're going to spend the next few episodes not doing anything?
Shade: Preeeetty much.
Chao: So we're just yet another source that's giving the public info and comments on the upcoming games?
Shade: Yup.
Chao: Out of millions of sources doing the exact same thing, except better?
Shade: That's it in a nutshell.
Chao: ...alright, I'm in.
Shadow: Hang on, yesterday was PrE3, right? The day before E3? Shouldn't we cover what was announced then?
Shade: *sigh* Fine.
- In the Pre-Pre Show, some form of Alan Wake DLC was announced, as well as some other indie games n' such.
- During the Microsoft press conference, we learned about Need for Speed, Fable III, Halo: Reach, Metal Gear Solid: Rising...
Dark: We are SO doing a script adaption of that last one. :P
Shade: Definitely. Anyway, there was also...
- Gears of War 3 (plus lambent berserker), some Call of Duty something or other, and.. some weird Kingdoms.. thingy.
- Then Project: Natal was shown, except much more polished and under the name of "Kinect."
Dark: They spelled "connect" wrong.
Shade: Oh, Dark. You know it won't make any difference since today's kids can't spell.
Dark: Right! Silly me.
Shade: But Kinect looks relatively interesting.
- It'll have some form of.. dashboard? I dunno. It tracks you, and it's a camera but it's not a camera.
Dark: There were tons of EyeToy-esque games showcased, including a Star Wars thingie I slept through!
Shade: Right. Then they finally announced...
- There'll be a NEW type of Xbox 360. It's slim, black, sleek, has 250 gigs of hard drive data, and costs a fortune.
Dark: Then the other two conferences were pretty boring, right?
Shade: Pretty much. Electronic Arts was all this racing and Dead Space and sports n' stuff. BUT!
Dark: But?
Shade: Ubisoft's presentation was hilarious. The host had some pretty laugh-out-loud humour, in my opinion.
Dark: And your opinion is the same as DJay's, so we get the message. What games were announced?
Shade: Uh.. Assassin's Creed 3, Ghost Recon, Shaun White Skateboarding, a new laser tag, a Wii Vitality Sensor for the PC...
Dark: Anything else?
Shade: Oh! A Michael Jackson video game.
Dark: say wuuuuuuut?
Shade: That reminds me! Harmonix is also making a dance game for Kinect. It looks pretty decent.
Dark: But we love Harmonix, anyway, so...
Shade: Yeah. Let's go over to Mecha to find out what we have to look forward to. Mecha?
MK: Thanks, Shade. Today, the first OFFICIAL day of E3, has the following events scheduled:
- We've got Nintendo's presentation first up...
- Followed by Sony's press conference.
- The rest of the day will be filled with playable demos of games, and.. trailers and stuff.
TD: Of course, we won't be able to play those demos since DJay's just sitting at his computer at home.
MK: He's not at E3?
TD: Hell, no! He only decided to tie these things together 'cause he ran out of ideas for this script.
MK: Well, that, and E3's a pretty big event. Maybe he figured we should show some interest in video games?
TD: ...maybe.
Shade: So when's the Nintendo presentation starting?
MK: Uh... forty-five minutes.
Shade: Damn. What will we do until then?
Dark: Let's run around and play some demos!
[the others agree and run off]
[they come together in time for Nintendo's press conference]
Chapter 2: Visions of Angels
[after some trivia n' bitz, Reggie Fils-Aime walks on-stage]
Dark: Hmph.
Shadow: What's up, don't you like Reggie?
Dark: He's been the face of evil for us MOTHER fans. Always telling us how there are no plans to import MOTHER 3...
TD: Shh! It's starting.
[Reggie starts up the conference with a small intro, then shows the first game...]
Shade: It's gonna be Zelda. Just watch. It'll be Zelda.
[The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword for the Nintendo Wii!]
Shade: Called it.
[the trailer shows colourful environments and typical Zelda goodness]
Dark: Psst. Hey, Shade.
Shade: Yeah?
Dark: Why haven't we visited any Zelda games yet?
Shade: 'Cause DJay's never actually beaten one. He never even really got into them.
[as the game is showcased, some technical difficulties prevent the full features to be shown]
Dark: Ha, the Wii MotionPlus is ****ing up.
[the first game ends, and next on the list...]
[Reggie mentions how a certain character has been through many different sports]
Shade: Mario.
[..and how the next game will expand the range of sports fans.. or whatever, I wasn't paying attention]
Shade: Mario Football?
Dark: You mean Rugby?
Shade: Yeah, but the weaker version.
[...Mario Sports Mix, for the Nintendo Wii. Features volleyball, hockey, and basketball]
Shade: But wait.. Mario's already done all three of those!
Dark: In some cases, twice.
[then we see Mii Party, also for the Wii]
Shade: Wait, "Party?" Lemme guess.. it's a board game.
[board game! Plus 13 minigames]
Shade: Called it. *facepalm* Wish I was wrong.
MK: Tsk, couldn't they have just made Mario Party 9, given it a hundred minigames, and added full Mii support?
TD: Nah, that's way too risky for the big N.
Dark: Bash Ninten all you want, guys.. I know they'll come through and give us some amazing stuff.
[Next up, Just Dance 2 for the Wii-- appears to be some kind of dance game]
Dark: *facepalm* Please, Ninty.
[A DS title: Golden Sun: Dark Dawn]
TD: Wasn't this that series where you had to be playing in broad daylight in order to get good?
Chao: What, was it hard to see what was going on?
TD: No, I could've sworn there was some UV-ray detector, or something...
MK: Obviously not in this one.
[Reggie abruptly segues the games from "Golden Sun" to...]
[Goldeneye 007, revamped for the Nintendo Wii!]
["Online multiplayer" and all that jazz the mainstream people apparently care about]
Shade: Meh. I wish Retro Studios was still making the Prime games. Now THOSE were shooters.
Dark: You mean they were ADVENTURES. With shooter elements!
Shade: Yeah, but they were still better shooters than some of this stuff.
MK: I dunno, kid. Maybe you're too young, but Goldeneye was pretty damn awesome.
[next on the list, another Wii title...]
[Epic Mickey!]
Shadow: Ah, I've heard of this game. It sounds promising.
Shade: Gotta admit, I agree.
[we are shown clips of exploring, and a 2D platformer level]
Dark: That 2D section looks a little difficult.
MK: Meh. If you want difficult, play some Megaman.
[somewhere in the next monologue, Kirby was mentioned]
Dark: Huh?
[it was mentioned how he has not had a proper console game in seven years]
Dark: Huh? Huh?
[and the trailer to a new Kirby game begins]
Dark: Huh? Huh? Huh?!
[it shows the whole world with an art style as if everything were made of yarn]
Dark: ......huh? o_o
[the trailer shows some typical Kirby stuff, but in the new art style]
[new copy abilities are shown, such as turning into a giant.. robot thing]
[two yarn-made bosses are shown, as well, befor the title is revealed]
[Kirby's Epic Yarn, for the Nintendo Wii]
Dark: ..................huh? What the heck was THAT?
Shade: It was odd. Kinda reminded me of Kirby's Dreamland 3.
Dark: I hope it'll be as good as that, or even close to that.
[next up, Dragon Quest IX is shown]
[Dark falls asleep]
Shadow: Whoa, what's up with him?
Shade: He doesn't like Square Enix.
[120 mini-quests, up to five-player co-op]
[the trailer ends and Dark wakes up]
[suddenly, in comes a Metroid: Other M montage!]
Dark: YES.
[various action-filled scenes are shown as a remix of an earlier Super Metroid song plays in the background]
[huge bosses, morph ball stuff, lots of scanning]
Shade: That's.. that's awesome.
[and box art!]
Dark: Nerdgasm.
[once again, that was Metroid: Other M, for the Nintendo Wii]
Chao: Well, I think it's easy to tell what DJay likes and dislikes. :P
TD: Eh. He has to keep it DCA-style, doesn't he?
[then, Retro Studios is mentioned]
Dark: Yes?!
[and Donkey Kong is shown]
Dark: Aw.
[however, the trailer shows some big levels, much in the style of the older Donkey Kong Country games]
Shade: This one looks interesting.
[Donkey Kong Country Returns, for the Nintendo Wii]
[finally, Reggie brings in Saturo Iwata to talk about the final product]
[Iwata gives a loooooong and tech-filled speech about the new Nintendo 3DS]
Shadow: So... it's a DS... that can play 3D... without 3D glasses?
MK: *whistle* Damn, just lookit those graphics, too.
[a trailer is shown for Kid Icarus: Uprising, with quality close to the Wii's]
Shade: Huh. Nintendo knows what they're doing, I suppose.
[Iwata finally gives off a list of third-party developers who are currently working on 3DS games]
[in the list are Level-5, Konami, Capcom, Team Ninja, Ubisoft... a lot of big names]
[our characters sit in awe]
TD: Gonna be a good year.
Shade: Definitely.
[Reggie comes back and ends the presentation by giving demos of the 3DS and Skyward Sword]
[our characters leave the room]
Dark: ...**** yeah, Nintendo.
Shade: It was a good press conference.
Chao: I liked it.
Shadow: Some interesting technology.
MK: I'm a little disappointed, 'cause I was somehow expecting Rock Band 3. Maybe it's because of the official E3 website that told us Rock Band 3 was under Nintendo.
TD: Freakin' websites, man. But I liked the stuff we saw.
Zim: Meh. It was not bad.
GIR: I like the little Kirby guy! :D
Shade: All we can do now is wait for the Sony conference.
[they wait, and the Sony conference eventually starts]
Chapter 3: Another Brick in the Wall, pt. 2
[as soon as the Sony conference starts and a trailer of Killzone 3 begins, Shade, Dark, Mecha and the Doll fall asleep]
[cut to much later; Chao wakes Shade up]
Chao: Shade? Shade?
Shade: Eh, ugh, what is it?
Chao: Isn't that that guy from that company you guys like?
[onstage is Gabe Newell, from Valve]
Shade: Oh, shoot! Dark, Mecha, Tails Doll, get up! It's time for Valve's surprise!
[the others get up]
MK: Finally. I've been waitin' for a looong time for this.
[Gabe mentions how Portal 2 will be coming to the PS3, and how the PS3 will be getting full Steam Cloud support]
[oh, and the PS3 version will be the "best version on any console"]
[then he plays a trailer, but the four gamer nerds are too busy facepalming to watch]
Shadow: Wow, Portal 2 looks very cool.
Shade: Ugh... I don't want to see it.
Shadow: Why not?
Dark: It is on the devil's machine. Giygas, himself, is kept within that system.
MK: Load of crock.
TD: I'm... I'm... I'm gettin' outta here.
Shade: Wait for us.
[Shade, Dark, Mecha, and the Tails Doll get up and leave the room]
[the rest of the presentation.. ah, other than Gran Turismo 5 having a Top Gear track in it, I have no idea]
[cut to after the presentation]
Chapter 4: If You Have to Ask
Shade: I.. I can't believe it, man.
Dark: My life is a lie.
Shade: Mine, too.
Dark: What will happen to Projekt: Drattmanc0meth?
Shade: DJay'll probably still make it, but.. I dunno, man... it's just.... ahhh.
[enter Chao, Shadow, Zim and GIR]
Chao: Are you four done being crybabies?
Zim: Yes. You silly creatures, forming emotional bonds with simulations!
Shadow: Yeah, what he said. It's just a g--
MK: **** off!
Shade: Gotta admit, I'd also be pretty ticked if you actually went and said that.
TD: Kid, you gotta understand.. it's not JUST a game. It's something we happen to really care about.
Shadow: But how can you be so close to a.. a.. video game?
Shade: It's not just the video game! It's the context behind it. Why it was made, how it was made.. the company that made it.
TD: There's a lot of history riding on that "just a game." A company that has always went for the underdog...
Shade: And thus, always went for me. 'Cause I, too, always go for the underdog.
MK: Of course, Sony's never been the underdog.
TD: Only once, when they first attempted to make a game console, were they even considered to be close to an underdog.
Shadow: Really? What made them the underdog?
TD: Back then, Sony was the dominator of simple technology.
Shade: Then they decided to make the PlayStation.. which, at that time, was a foolish idea.
MK: Nintendo was the dominatrix of video game consoles, after all.
Shade: Of course, that idea ended up being very successful. From then on, Sony was not even considered to be the underdog.
TD: Then along came Valve. Sure, they made some revolutionary games, but they're still somehow relatively unknown.
MK: To the mainstream mass, anyway.
TD: If you're lucky, you can find people who know about Counter-Strike or Left 4 Dead, or Team Fortress.. or Half-Life.
MK: Either way, Valve isn't the most well-known of game companies.
TD: But no matter what, Valve will always root for the weaker guy.
MK: We'd give you examples, except.. we can't really think of any.
Dark: Narbacular Drop was invented by a small group of experimental indie game makers. One day, Valve happened to see the
game, and decided to hire the small team to work on a new game, later dubbed "Portal."
TD: Perfect example.
Dark: Counter-Strike, Team Fortress and Day of Defeat are all just mods of Half-Life. Valve liked the mods enough that they
decided to hire the people who made the mods to work full-time.
MK: Yeah, there's a good example, too.
Dark: Even the ever-popular "Forge" mode on Halo 3 is pretty much just a copypasta of Garry's Mod, for Half-Life 2. However,
Bungie added limits to it. They added limits on how much you could spawn, limited the boundaries of noclip, took out the
spawnable NPCs and entities.. however, they did add spawnable spawn points. That's about it, though.
Shade: My favourite example, that one.
Dark: That, added to the fact that Valve has often stated how the PlayStation 3 was glitchy and difficult to use, really
made this "E3 surprise" a rather unpleasant one. I hope you understand.
Shadow: Uhh... wow, yeah, I understand now.
[they run to the Rock Band 3 booth]
Chapter 5: Band on the Run
[they wait their turn and set up their instruments]
Shade: Whoaaaa, nelly. Expert Pro!
Dark: ...give me the guitar.
Shade: Dark, you think you can handle that?
Dark: Give me the guitar.
[Shade hands Dark the 102-button guitar controller]
Dark: I need a bassist.
TD: Yo.
[the Tails Doll grabs the Pro bass controller]
Dark: Shade?
[Shade warms up his drum kit]
Shade: A-ready when you are.
Dark: Vocalists!
MK: Yo~
Zim: Hello~
Dark: Shadow?
[Shadow plays a scale on the keyboard controller]
Shadow: Let me attem.
Dark: Good. Now let's play us some White Stripes!
Chao: You guys go on and do that. I'll just sit here.
[so the new Rubber Goose plays "The Hardest Button to Button," by The White Stripes]
We started living in an old house
My ma gave birth and we were checking it out
It was a baby boy
So we bought him a toy
It was a ray gun
And it was 1981
We named him Baby
He had a toothache
He started crying
It sounded like an earthquake
It didnt last long
Because I stopped it
I grabbed a rag doll
And stuck some little pins in it
Now were a family
And were alright now
We got money and a little place
To fight now
We dont know you
And we dont owe you
But if you see us around
I got something else to show you
Now its easy when you dont know better
You think its sleazy?
Then put it in a short letter
We keep warm
But theres just something wrong when you
Just feel like youre the hardest little button
To button
I had opinions
That didnt matter
I had a brain
That felt like pancake batter
I got a backyard
With nothing in it
Except a stick
A dog
And a box with something in it
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button!
[they finish]
Dark: ...we failed it shortly after we started, you know.
Shade: Oh, we did?
Dark: Yeah. I think we just.. jammed.
Shade: E3 is fun. Can't wait for tomorrow.
Chao: You mean there's MORE?!
Shade: Three days, Chao. Three days. This was the first.
[close-up of Shade's face]
Shade: And somethin' tells me we were just getting started.

ohshitohshitohshitohshit part 2

Dammit, I keep fucking swearing. Sorry about that. Won't do it again.

Dark Chao Adventures
Adventuring since 2005.

Episode Seventy: The High Ate Us! sadface

The story resumes inside a dusty old record store, "One for the Vinyl."
Chapter 1: Place for My Head
[the gang enters the shop and sees a guy (with a beard) sitting at the counter, listening to a record]
Shade: Um.. hello. Are you--
Man: Shhhh.
Shade: O..kay.
[the man listens to the record ("Octavarium" -Dream Theater), slowly nodding his head]
[eventually, it ends, and he takes it and puts it back in its sleeve]
Man: Alright, so what do you want?
Shade: Are you Mister Pirkle?
Pirkle: The very same. You were sent, then?
Shade: Yeah, uh.. this one guy sent us.
Pirkle: Oh. Dirge. Anyway, I understand you probably want something, then?
Shade: Yes. It is MY understanding that you know how to get to Earth.
Pirkle: Hm. You wish to go.. to Earth? Pourwhat, my amies?
Shadow: We've got to defeat an evil demon.
Pirkle: Oh. The Tenacious D pact. I see. ...this is intense. Alright, well, I DO know a way...
Shade: And what is it?
Pirkle: You've got to find the rare juice of the Irken flower.
Zim: OBJECTION, you pathetic music slave! There's no such thing as an Irken flower.
Pirkle: Holy cheez-its, it's a real Irken!
Zim: Yes, so I know you're full of the same stuff that made the world explode.
Pirkle: Okay! Okay, fine, I'll.. I'll take you to Earth. Follow me.
[they follow Pirkle to a small closet]
Pirkle: I shall now say the magic words...
[he clears his throat]
[flash flash flash bang]
Dark: MY EYES!
Chapter 2: Critical Acclaim
[the chao find themselves in the same room as Mephiles]
Mp: ..whoa, ****, I didn't.. realize you'd get here so fast. I haven't even begun sending evil at you yet!
MK: Man, no offense, but.. you SUCK at being evil.
Mp: Ack!
TD: Yeah, I think Mecha's right. You're.. you couldn't even be evil to a toilet.
Mp: Sh..shut up, guys!
Zim: Yes, so far, you've done quite.. useless things. You're terribly terrible!
Mp: Hey.. hey, shut up, you guys!
Mp: Raaaagh, shut up!
MK: Yeah, if YOU were all we had to worry about, then I.. man, we were pretty naive.
TD: Yes, let's just throw him in jail, or something.
[cut to Mephiles being thrown in jail]
Mp: D..dammit! I hate you guys!
[the gang heads back to the Dark Garden]
Shade: Hey, why are you guys still with us?
MK: We have nothing better to do.
Zim: He's right, you know.
Shade: Okay, then. HEY, EGGMAN!
[Eggman enters, along with Levity Nite]
Egg: Congratulations, you have defeated Mephiles!
Shade: It wasn't hard. At all.
TD: Yeah, he's a moron.
Egg: Yep, he certainly is. Anyway, you called, Shade?
Shade: Yes, I did. You said you have the locations of the next two chaos drives.
Nite: Heheh.. we certainly do.
Egg: Yes. We do.
Shadow: Can you tell us them?
Egg: Of course! The one you are currently looking for is somewhere in this garden.
Nite: And the next one is somewhere on the Chao World, in the future. Not in Euphoria, though.
Shadow: Uh..huh. Cool. So where's the one we're looking for now?
Egg: Somewhere in here. Enjoy looking for it.
[Eggman and Nite disappear]
Chao: Huh. Funny. I don't remember there being any chaos drives in here.
Shade: Me, neither.
Shadow: Well, it's obviously hidden very well.
Dark: Like the Sky Temple keys!
Shade: UGH.. please don't remind me of Metroid Prime 2, Dark.
MK: What's wrong with Echoes?
Shade: Nothing.. it's one of my all-time favorite games, but.. damn, I hate the Sky Temple.
TD: Oh, right, the Ing Emperor.
Shade: *cringe* I.. I suddenly feel the need to mash my thumb on the "A" button.
MK: Well, I suddenly feel the need to jump up and down repeatedly to avoid being gassed to death.
Dark: Don't forget the ammo system.
[Shade, Mecha, and the Doll all groan loudly]
Shade: And having to constantly try to stay alive in that battle, trying to get ammo...
MK: Then there's the fact that his weak spot only stays lit for, like.. seconds at a time. With often minute-long intervals.
Shade: At least the song was good.
TD: Dude, all Metroid music is good.
Shade: True. Remember Torvus' catacombs?
MK: Oh, man, sounds like ecstasy. And.. and Dark Agon still sends chills down my spine. ..wait. My.. support.. robot.. thing.
Shade: Ooh, and Rundas.. from Corruption, y'know?
TD: Damn, he's still one of my favorite bosses ever. Gandrayda also had an awesome song.
Shade: That, she did.. that, she did.
Dark: Anybody remember Quadraxis?
MK: Tsk.. man, why you always gotta bring up the annoying parts?
Dark: It's what I do.
Shade: Quadraxis, man.. freaking Quadraxis.
TD: Fighting in the Dark World's atmosphere before you had the Light Suit.. argh.
MK: Yeah, but the Light Suit was awesome when you finally got it. You could teleport and everything!
TD: Hells yes. Too bad you only get to wear it during all the crazy-hard parts.
Shade: Yeah, but that means we can associate it with true badassery.
Shadow: Hey, isn't Echoes the one with Dark Samus?
Shade: Depends what you mean. Corruption also had her in it. You talkin' Wii, or Cube?
Shadow: Gamecube, I think.
Shade: Then yeah, Echoes is the one.
MK: Ah, dude, the Dark Samus battles were the best.
Shade: Yeah, yeah, they... they were.
Shade: Well, we should probably start looking for that Sky T--CHAOS DRIVE!
MK: Yes. We should.
Chapter 3: Dawn Patrol
[they split up and search every inch of the garden for the chaos drive]
Shade: Find anything?
Chao: Not a scrap.
GIR: I found myself.
Shade: Uh-huh. Okay, how about back here, in this cave that was introduced in Season One?
Shadow: We can check it.
[Shade inputs a secret code on a tombstone; the tombstone moves, revealing a cave]
MK: Damn.
Shade: Yeah, I haven't been in here for a good few seasons and at least two years, so.. it's really old and dusty.
[they enter the cave]
[Mecha has some kind of flashlight built in (as does GIR), too]
[after a minute or two, all sources of light vanish, leaving just the flashlights]
Chao: Shade, how come I never knew about this?
Shade: 'Cause you're not the true ruler of the Dark Garden, that's why.
Chao: Very funny.
Shade: No, really. My dad showed me this cave shortly after I became ruler, just as HIS dad did for him.
Chao: Hmph. Well... well.... shut up.
TD: Stop arguing, guys. It's freaky enough as it is down here without you guys going all mental.
Shade+Chao: Fine.
[they come to a fork in the cave]
Shade: Huh. I don't recall THIS being in here.
Dark: I think these caves change every time.
Shade: Nonsense! Now, which way should we go?
TD: Uh.. how about we split up? I mean, there's eight of us...
Shade: Okay! Me, Shadow, Mecha and the Doll will go to the left. You guys will go right.
[they do that]
[cut to the folks on the left]
Shadow: Say, Shade?
Shade: Yep?
Shadow: Where do these caves lead?
Shade: The funny thing is, I have no idea. I never really.. got too far. Nor did I ask my dad.
MK: Well then.. I guess we're about to find out, huh?
Shade: I guess so.
[they keep walking]
?: Who's there?
All: Wha?!
TD: We are merely travelers, looking for the chaos drives.
Shade: Well, okay, so I'm the ruler of the Dark Garden, but these three are mere travelers.
?: You want the chaos drive? You don't want the chaos drive.
Shade: Um... yes, we do.
?: No. You don't. Trust me.
Shade: Yes, we most certainly DO. Trust ME.
?: Oh, yeah? Why should I trust you?
Shade: I'm a Dark/Swim chao.
?: ...oh, okay, that's a sufficient reason, yeah.
[the voice fades]
Shadow: ...that was strange.
MK: Tell me about it.
[these guys keep walking-- let's check in on the other four]
Chapter 4: Disappear

ohshitohshitohshitohshit part 1

Sorry 'bout the swearing in the title, but FUCK YEAH CAPSLOCK. I'm a big kid now, y'know? I can swear every now and then. >_> I won't do it again.


Dark Chao Adventures
Adventuring since 2005.

Episode Sixty-Nine: The Super-Long and Super-Exciting Quest

The story resumes in Station Square.
[the chao are walking down a long, winding road]
Dark: Ugh... Shade... how much longer until we get there?
Shade: I.. I don't know, buddy.
[they turn through various streets, and see all the same buildings and all the same cars]
Chao: You idiot, I think we're lost.
Shade: Hey, you're the one who said it wouldn't be that bad.
Chao: ...shut up.
MK: Hey, wait a minute.. why don't I just fly us there? I mean, I've got a flying ability.
GIR: HEY so do I!
Shadow: Wait, why didn't you guys bring this up when we needed to get to Prison Island?
MK+GIR: We.... forgot!
Shade: Alright, fine, fly us.
[so Mecha and GIR fly them into the air]
Shade: Okay.. everyone, look for a shop called "One for the Vinyl."
Dark: Is that it down there? The shop with the giant vinyl record on top?
Shade: ...probably. Let's go down and check.
[Mecha and GIR fly them down to the shop]
[the camera shows a dramatic shot of them standing in front of an old, run-down building]
["One for the Vinyl" is written on the front]

Shade: Wait, is this episode REALLY that short?
TD: Yep. It's a true filler episode.
Shade: ****, man. I didn't think DJay could ever make an episode shorter than episode two.
Chao: I think that was the whole point-- he's making references to older episodes.
Shade: Well... damn! See you guys later, then.