Wednesday, July 7, 2010

ohshitohshitohshitohshit part 3

SHITFUCK, I keep swearing. I am SO sorry. I'll stop now.

Dark Chao Adventures
Adventuring since 2005.

Episode Seventy-One: QuinQuenQuoi

Our story resumes at the end of the Dark Tunnel Cave Place Thing. Of No Return.
Chapter 1: El Dorado
[the eight characters suddenly meet up at the end of the tunnel]
Shade: Whoa. Did you guys just...
Dark: ..hear some random voice talk to us? Yep.
Shadow: Where in the world do these caves lead?
MK: Damn, kid, will you quit askin' that? We'll find out when we find out!
[they reach the light at the end of the tunnel]
[the light blinds them]
[when it fades, they find themselves in Los Angeles, California]
All: What the?
Shade: I didn't know the Dark Garden was in Los Angeles.
Chao: Explains why the water's red.
TD: WAIT! Guys! Do you know what ELSE is in LA?
GIR: Arby n' the Chief?
Dark: Hollywood?
Shadow: Wait, no, you don't mean...
[the gang runs off-screen as fast as possible]
[cut to the Los Angeles Convention Center]
TD: Get ahold of yourself, Mecha.
MK: I'm sorry! It's just so... eeeek!
Shade: We need tickets first, don't we?
Dark: ****. Who has monies?
Zim: Calm your foolish terrestrial nerves. The awesome ZIM!!! has some of your pathetic Earth monies.
[Zim pays the fare and they enter the left building, wandering around]
Shadow: Wait, guys. Someone needs to ask the obligatory "Exposition" question.
GIR: Me! Me! I wanna do it! ....whatsa happenin'?!?!
Shade: Three words, GIR. Electronic Entertainment Expo.
Dark: E3!
Chao: Are you telling me that we're going to spend the next few episodes not doing anything?
Shade: Preeeetty much.
Chao: So we're just yet another source that's giving the public info and comments on the upcoming games?
Shade: Yup.
Chao: Out of millions of sources doing the exact same thing, except better?
Shade: That's it in a nutshell.
Chao: ...alright, I'm in.
Shadow: Hang on, yesterday was PrE3, right? The day before E3? Shouldn't we cover what was announced then?
Shade: *sigh* Fine.
- In the Pre-Pre Show, some form of Alan Wake DLC was announced, as well as some other indie games n' such.
- During the Microsoft press conference, we learned about Need for Speed, Fable III, Halo: Reach, Metal Gear Solid: Rising...
Dark: We are SO doing a script adaption of that last one. :P
Shade: Definitely. Anyway, there was also...
- Gears of War 3 (plus lambent berserker), some Call of Duty something or other, and.. some weird Kingdoms.. thingy.
- Then Project: Natal was shown, except much more polished and under the name of "Kinect."
Dark: They spelled "connect" wrong.
Shade: Oh, Dark. You know it won't make any difference since today's kids can't spell.
Dark: Right! Silly me.
Shade: But Kinect looks relatively interesting.
- It'll have some form of.. dashboard? I dunno. It tracks you, and it's a camera but it's not a camera.
Dark: There were tons of EyeToy-esque games showcased, including a Star Wars thingie I slept through!
Shade: Right. Then they finally announced...
- There'll be a NEW type of Xbox 360. It's slim, black, sleek, has 250 gigs of hard drive data, and costs a fortune.
Dark: Then the other two conferences were pretty boring, right?
Shade: Pretty much. Electronic Arts was all this racing and Dead Space and sports n' stuff. BUT!
Dark: But?
Shade: Ubisoft's presentation was hilarious. The host had some pretty laugh-out-loud humour, in my opinion.
Dark: And your opinion is the same as DJay's, so we get the message. What games were announced?
Shade: Uh.. Assassin's Creed 3, Ghost Recon, Shaun White Skateboarding, a new laser tag, a Wii Vitality Sensor for the PC...
Dark: Anything else?
Shade: Oh! A Michael Jackson video game.
Dark: say wuuuuuuut?
Shade: That reminds me! Harmonix is also making a dance game for Kinect. It looks pretty decent.
Dark: But we love Harmonix, anyway, so...
Shade: Yeah. Let's go over to Mecha to find out what we have to look forward to. Mecha?
MK: Thanks, Shade. Today, the first OFFICIAL day of E3, has the following events scheduled:
- We've got Nintendo's presentation first up...
- Followed by Sony's press conference.
- The rest of the day will be filled with playable demos of games, and.. trailers and stuff.
TD: Of course, we won't be able to play those demos since DJay's just sitting at his computer at home.
MK: He's not at E3?
TD: Hell, no! He only decided to tie these things together 'cause he ran out of ideas for this script.
MK: Well, that, and E3's a pretty big event. Maybe he figured we should show some interest in video games?
TD: ...maybe.
Shade: So when's the Nintendo presentation starting?
MK: Uh... forty-five minutes.
Shade: Damn. What will we do until then?
Dark: Let's run around and play some demos!
[the others agree and run off]
[they come together in time for Nintendo's press conference]
Chapter 2: Visions of Angels
[after some trivia n' bitz, Reggie Fils-Aime walks on-stage]
Dark: Hmph.
Shadow: What's up, don't you like Reggie?
Dark: He's been the face of evil for us MOTHER fans. Always telling us how there are no plans to import MOTHER 3...
TD: Shh! It's starting.
[Reggie starts up the conference with a small intro, then shows the first game...]
Shade: It's gonna be Zelda. Just watch. It'll be Zelda.
[The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword for the Nintendo Wii!]
Shade: Called it.
[the trailer shows colourful environments and typical Zelda goodness]
Dark: Psst. Hey, Shade.
Shade: Yeah?
Dark: Why haven't we visited any Zelda games yet?
Shade: 'Cause DJay's never actually beaten one. He never even really got into them.
[as the game is showcased, some technical difficulties prevent the full features to be shown]
Dark: Ha, the Wii MotionPlus is ****ing up.
[the first game ends, and next on the list...]
[Reggie mentions how a certain character has been through many different sports]
Shade: Mario.
[..and how the next game will expand the range of sports fans.. or whatever, I wasn't paying attention]
Shade: Mario Football?
Dark: You mean Rugby?
Shade: Yeah, but the weaker version.
[...Mario Sports Mix, for the Nintendo Wii. Features volleyball, hockey, and basketball]
Shade: But wait.. Mario's already done all three of those!
Dark: In some cases, twice.
[then we see Mii Party, also for the Wii]
Shade: Wait, "Party?" Lemme guess.. it's a board game.
[board game! Plus 13 minigames]
Shade: Called it. *facepalm* Wish I was wrong.
MK: Tsk, couldn't they have just made Mario Party 9, given it a hundred minigames, and added full Mii support?
TD: Nah, that's way too risky for the big N.
Dark: Bash Ninten all you want, guys.. I know they'll come through and give us some amazing stuff.
[Next up, Just Dance 2 for the Wii-- appears to be some kind of dance game]
Dark: *facepalm* Please, Ninty.
[A DS title: Golden Sun: Dark Dawn]
TD: Wasn't this that series where you had to be playing in broad daylight in order to get good?
Chao: What, was it hard to see what was going on?
TD: No, I could've sworn there was some UV-ray detector, or something...
MK: Obviously not in this one.
[Reggie abruptly segues the games from "Golden Sun" to...]
[Goldeneye 007, revamped for the Nintendo Wii!]
["Online multiplayer" and all that jazz the mainstream people apparently care about]
Shade: Meh. I wish Retro Studios was still making the Prime games. Now THOSE were shooters.
Dark: You mean they were ADVENTURES. With shooter elements!
Shade: Yeah, but they were still better shooters than some of this stuff.
MK: I dunno, kid. Maybe you're too young, but Goldeneye was pretty damn awesome.
[next on the list, another Wii title...]
[Epic Mickey!]
Shadow: Ah, I've heard of this game. It sounds promising.
Shade: Gotta admit, I agree.
[we are shown clips of exploring, and a 2D platformer level]
Dark: That 2D section looks a little difficult.
MK: Meh. If you want difficult, play some Megaman.
[somewhere in the next monologue, Kirby was mentioned]
Dark: Huh?
[it was mentioned how he has not had a proper console game in seven years]
Dark: Huh? Huh?
[and the trailer to a new Kirby game begins]
Dark: Huh? Huh? Huh?!
[it shows the whole world with an art style as if everything were made of yarn]
Dark: ......huh? o_o
[the trailer shows some typical Kirby stuff, but in the new art style]
[new copy abilities are shown, such as turning into a giant.. robot thing]
[two yarn-made bosses are shown, as well, befor the title is revealed]
[Kirby's Epic Yarn, for the Nintendo Wii]
Dark: ..................huh? What the heck was THAT?
Shade: It was odd. Kinda reminded me of Kirby's Dreamland 3.
Dark: I hope it'll be as good as that, or even close to that.
[next up, Dragon Quest IX is shown]
[Dark falls asleep]
Shadow: Whoa, what's up with him?
Shade: He doesn't like Square Enix.
[120 mini-quests, up to five-player co-op]
[the trailer ends and Dark wakes up]
[suddenly, in comes a Metroid: Other M montage!]
Dark: YES.
[various action-filled scenes are shown as a remix of an earlier Super Metroid song plays in the background]
[huge bosses, morph ball stuff, lots of scanning]
Shade: That's.. that's awesome.
[and box art!]
Dark: Nerdgasm.
[once again, that was Metroid: Other M, for the Nintendo Wii]
Chao: Well, I think it's easy to tell what DJay likes and dislikes. :P
TD: Eh. He has to keep it DCA-style, doesn't he?
[then, Retro Studios is mentioned]
Dark: Yes?!
[and Donkey Kong is shown]
Dark: Aw.
[however, the trailer shows some big levels, much in the style of the older Donkey Kong Country games]
Shade: This one looks interesting.
[Donkey Kong Country Returns, for the Nintendo Wii]
[finally, Reggie brings in Saturo Iwata to talk about the final product]
[Iwata gives a loooooong and tech-filled speech about the new Nintendo 3DS]
Shadow: So... it's a DS... that can play 3D... without 3D glasses?
MK: *whistle* Damn, just lookit those graphics, too.
[a trailer is shown for Kid Icarus: Uprising, with quality close to the Wii's]
Shade: Huh. Nintendo knows what they're doing, I suppose.
[Iwata finally gives off a list of third-party developers who are currently working on 3DS games]
[in the list are Level-5, Konami, Capcom, Team Ninja, Ubisoft... a lot of big names]
[our characters sit in awe]
TD: Gonna be a good year.
Shade: Definitely.
[Reggie comes back and ends the presentation by giving demos of the 3DS and Skyward Sword]
[our characters leave the room]
Dark: ...**** yeah, Nintendo.
Shade: It was a good press conference.
Chao: I liked it.
Shadow: Some interesting technology.
MK: I'm a little disappointed, 'cause I was somehow expecting Rock Band 3. Maybe it's because of the official E3 website that told us Rock Band 3 was under Nintendo.
TD: Freakin' websites, man. But I liked the stuff we saw.
Zim: Meh. It was not bad.
GIR: I like the little Kirby guy! :D
Shade: All we can do now is wait for the Sony conference.
[they wait, and the Sony conference eventually starts]
Chapter 3: Another Brick in the Wall, pt. 2
[as soon as the Sony conference starts and a trailer of Killzone 3 begins, Shade, Dark, Mecha and the Doll fall asleep]
[cut to much later; Chao wakes Shade up]
Chao: Shade? Shade?
Shade: Eh, ugh, what is it?
Chao: Isn't that that guy from that company you guys like?
[onstage is Gabe Newell, from Valve]
Shade: Oh, shoot! Dark, Mecha, Tails Doll, get up! It's time for Valve's surprise!
[the others get up]
MK: Finally. I've been waitin' for a looong time for this.
[Gabe mentions how Portal 2 will be coming to the PS3, and how the PS3 will be getting full Steam Cloud support]
[oh, and the PS3 version will be the "best version on any console"]
[then he plays a trailer, but the four gamer nerds are too busy facepalming to watch]
Shadow: Wow, Portal 2 looks very cool.
Shade: Ugh... I don't want to see it.
Shadow: Why not?
Dark: It is on the devil's machine. Giygas, himself, is kept within that system.
MK: Load of crock.
TD: I'm... I'm... I'm gettin' outta here.
Shade: Wait for us.
[Shade, Dark, Mecha, and the Tails Doll get up and leave the room]
[the rest of the presentation.. ah, other than Gran Turismo 5 having a Top Gear track in it, I have no idea]
[cut to after the presentation]
Chapter 4: If You Have to Ask
Shade: I.. I can't believe it, man.
Dark: My life is a lie.
Shade: Mine, too.
Dark: What will happen to Projekt: Drattmanc0meth?
Shade: DJay'll probably still make it, but.. I dunno, man... it's just.... ahhh.
[enter Chao, Shadow, Zim and GIR]
Chao: Are you four done being crybabies?
Zim: Yes. You silly creatures, forming emotional bonds with simulations!
Shadow: Yeah, what he said. It's just a g--
MK: **** off!
Shade: Gotta admit, I'd also be pretty ticked if you actually went and said that.
TD: Kid, you gotta understand.. it's not JUST a game. It's something we happen to really care about.
Shadow: But how can you be so close to a.. a.. video game?
Shade: It's not just the video game! It's the context behind it. Why it was made, how it was made.. the company that made it.
TD: There's a lot of history riding on that "just a game." A company that has always went for the underdog...
Shade: And thus, always went for me. 'Cause I, too, always go for the underdog.
MK: Of course, Sony's never been the underdog.
TD: Only once, when they first attempted to make a game console, were they even considered to be close to an underdog.
Shadow: Really? What made them the underdog?
TD: Back then, Sony was the dominator of simple technology.
Shade: Then they decided to make the PlayStation.. which, at that time, was a foolish idea.
MK: Nintendo was the dominatrix of video game consoles, after all.
Shade: Of course, that idea ended up being very successful. From then on, Sony was not even considered to be the underdog.
TD: Then along came Valve. Sure, they made some revolutionary games, but they're still somehow relatively unknown.
MK: To the mainstream mass, anyway.
TD: If you're lucky, you can find people who know about Counter-Strike or Left 4 Dead, or Team Fortress.. or Half-Life.
MK: Either way, Valve isn't the most well-known of game companies.
TD: But no matter what, Valve will always root for the weaker guy.
MK: We'd give you examples, except.. we can't really think of any.
Dark: Narbacular Drop was invented by a small group of experimental indie game makers. One day, Valve happened to see the
game, and decided to hire the small team to work on a new game, later dubbed "Portal."
TD: Perfect example.
Dark: Counter-Strike, Team Fortress and Day of Defeat are all just mods of Half-Life. Valve liked the mods enough that they
decided to hire the people who made the mods to work full-time.
MK: Yeah, there's a good example, too.
Dark: Even the ever-popular "Forge" mode on Halo 3 is pretty much just a copypasta of Garry's Mod, for Half-Life 2. However,
Bungie added limits to it. They added limits on how much you could spawn, limited the boundaries of noclip, took out the
spawnable NPCs and entities.. however, they did add spawnable spawn points. That's about it, though.
Shade: My favourite example, that one.
Dark: That, added to the fact that Valve has often stated how the PlayStation 3 was glitchy and difficult to use, really
made this "E3 surprise" a rather unpleasant one. I hope you understand.
Shadow: Uhh... wow, yeah, I understand now.
[they run to the Rock Band 3 booth]
Chapter 5: Band on the Run
[they wait their turn and set up their instruments]
Shade: Whoaaaa, nelly. Expert Pro!
Dark: ...give me the guitar.
Shade: Dark, you think you can handle that?
Dark: Give me the guitar.
[Shade hands Dark the 102-button guitar controller]
Dark: I need a bassist.
TD: Yo.
[the Tails Doll grabs the Pro bass controller]
Dark: Shade?
[Shade warms up his drum kit]
Shade: A-ready when you are.
Dark: Vocalists!
MK: Yo~
Zim: Hello~
Dark: Shadow?
[Shadow plays a scale on the keyboard controller]
Shadow: Let me attem.
Dark: Good. Now let's play us some White Stripes!
Chao: You guys go on and do that. I'll just sit here.
[so the new Rubber Goose plays "The Hardest Button to Button," by The White Stripes]
We started living in an old house
My ma gave birth and we were checking it out
It was a baby boy
So we bought him a toy
It was a ray gun
And it was 1981
We named him Baby
He had a toothache
He started crying
It sounded like an earthquake
It didnt last long
Because I stopped it
I grabbed a rag doll
And stuck some little pins in it
Now were a family
And were alright now
We got money and a little place
To fight now
We dont know you
And we dont owe you
But if you see us around
I got something else to show you
Now its easy when you dont know better
You think its sleazy?
Then put it in a short letter
We keep warm
But theres just something wrong when you
Just feel like youre the hardest little button
To button
I had opinions
That didnt matter
I had a brain
That felt like pancake batter
I got a backyard
With nothing in it
Except a stick
A dog
And a box with something in it
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button
The hardest button to button!
[they finish]
Dark: ...we failed it shortly after we started, you know.
Shade: Oh, we did?
Dark: Yeah. I think we just.. jammed.
Shade: E3 is fun. Can't wait for tomorrow.
Chao: You mean there's MORE?!
Shade: Three days, Chao. Three days. This was the first.
[close-up of Shade's face]
Shade: And somethin' tells me we were just getting started.

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