Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Akira Kurosawa Memorial (Rashomon DCA version)

[cut to the Dark Garden]
[Shade is chillaxin']
[Dark runs up to him]
Shade: AH! What is it, Dark?
Dark: Today's Akira Kurosawa's 100th birthday! We've gotta do something for him!
Shade: ZOMG you are absolutely right! Hmm... but what could we possibly do?
[enter Shadow, the chao]
Shadow: Hey, Shade. I happened to overhear your conundrum, and I am pleased to announce that I may have a viable solution.
Shade: Out with it, then!
Shadow: You see.........
[fade to black]

[fade-in; everybody's gathered in the Dark Garden]
Shade: *ahem* Will everyone please have a seat?
[everyone has a seat around the pool]
[on the island is Shade, wearing a tuxedo]
Shade: First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for coming to the 100th Anniversary of Akira Kurosawa's birth.
Shade: I know many of you are wondering, "Who the smack is Akira Kurosawa?"
[murmurs of affirmation]
Shade: *sigh* I thought so. Well, we set up a little presentation to answer those questions.
[exit Shade]
[enter Metal Sonic]
MS: Yeah, yeah, shaddup. My name is Metal Sonic, and I am here to explain to you who the **** Akira Kurosawa is.
[the crowd shuts up]
MS: So, Kurosawa-san was this Japanese director. Born in 1910, he was the youngest of eight children in the suburbs of Tokyo.
["oh my," "eight?" "youngest?" "TOKYO?!"]
MS: Yeah, but here's the cool part: The Kurosawas are descendants of SAMURAIS.
["Like you?"]
MS: ..very funny, Mecha.
MS: Anyway, he made his first movie, "Sanshiro Sugata," in 1943. It's about this young dude who goes to a city to learn Jujutsu, but then later discovers Judo.. n' whatever.
["Don't you know BOTH of those?"]
MS: *chuckle* Yeah, and a number of other martial and marital arts, but that's beside the point.
[mild laughter]
MS: After his debut film, the Japanese government kept a close eye on him. As a result, his next film, "The Most Beautiful" was a propaganda piece about factory workers.
[Metal glares at the unruly audience member]
MS: It's not communism; it's HISTORY. One more outburst like that, and you're outta here.
MS: ...MOVING ON... he later made "Sanshiro Sugata Part II," which showed the protagonist competing in a boxing match and winning with Judo techniques.
["Hey, Metal, isn't that cheating?"]
MS: You talk a lot, Mecha. Shut up.
["I was just sayin'..."]
MS: In response to that one unruly guy a moment ago, Kurosawa-san was NOT communist, for his first post-war film, "No Regrets for Our Youth," portrayed life under militaristic rule as bad.
MS: I can't think of a better word right now. Shut up.
MS: He made many other movies since then, but for now, let's focus on the movie that made him famous, shall we?
[Mecha raises his hand]
MS: *siiiigh* Yes, Mecha?
["Wasn't he famous for 'The Wizard of Oz?'"]
MS: No, Mecha, Akira Kurosawa did not make "The Wizard of Oz." That was L. Baum and W. Denslow.
[mild laughter]
MS: ...retard.
MS: No, what made Kurosawa-san famous was a film called "Rashomon."
[confused remarks]
MS: Never heard of it? Thought not. Kids and yer... iPods... anyway, we're gonna act Rashomon out for you.
MS: Yeah. So sit down, shaddup, and.. enjoy the Dark Chao Adventures adaption of Akira Kurosawa's "Rashomon." With all the naughty bits cut out.
[laughter, cheer]

DJay32 presents...
A story by Akira Kurosawa...
Starring the cast of Dark Chao Adventures...


[enter the WOODCUTTER (Dark) and PRIEST (Chao)]
[they sit, solemnly]
[enter the COMMONER (Cham)]
Dark: ....'sup?
Chao: We have just witnessed a horrible crime.
Cham: Pics, or it didn't happen.
Dark: Nah, he means it. You see, I was walkin' through the woods one day...
Chao: He's a woodcutter, you see, so he does that.
Dark: ..and I found the dead body of a samurai, then told the cops.
Chao: And I happened to see the scene of the murder, myself.
Dark: We were both summoned to court, where we testified n' whatnot.
Cham: Japanese court? Awesome! Was Phoenix Wright there?
Dark: Nah, Apollo Justice was there that day.
Chao: 'Twas in court where we met Tajomaru...
[the chao spin around in circles and run off-stage; Dark trips]

MS (Narrator): We take you back in time to three days earlier, to the Japanese courthouse.
[enter TAJOMARU (Shade)]
Shade: You wanna know who did it? That's right; I did it. It was me, the great Tajomaru! I'm the most famous bandit in all of freakin' Japan, baby! You wanna know HOW I did it? I'll tell ya... with a flashback IN a flashback!
[Shade spins around in circles and then runs off-stage]
[enter TAJOMARU, SAMURAI (Shadow), and WIFE OF SAMURAI (Tail)]
[the SAMURAI and WIFE are walking along; TAJOMARU runs up to them]
Shade: Yo, Samurai! I found some kickass ninja swords in the grove down yonder.
Shadow: Hm? Might I see them?
Shade: Most certainly. Right this way... *conspicuous evil laughter*
[TAJOMARU leads the other two onward]
Shade: Okay, here we are, in a small grove... away from the rest of the world.
Shadow: Yes, here we are.
Shade: ..hey, what's that over there?! *points*
Shadow: I do not know, but I've been through these parts before. Nothing will harm us.
Shade: ...seriously, dude, look over there.
Shadow: I would much rather view your collection of swords, kind sir.
Shade: Um.. LOOK! Pedobear!
[the SAMURAI turns around]
[TAJOMARU ties the SAMURAI up and then ties him to a tree(-like prop)]
Shade: Moohoohaahaa! Now I can do nasty things to your wife!
Tail: Oh, no!!!
Shade: ...wait, why is Tail the wife?
Chao (off-stage): He REALLY wanted a part.
Shade: But.. don't you know what Tajomaru DOES to the wife?
Shadow: Well.. we cut the nasty parts out.
Shade: We DID?! ****, why doesn't anybody tell me these things anymore?
Dark (off-stage): What, were you REALLY gonna....?
Shade: ....
Dark (off): ...well... here. Use this.
[Dark hands TAJOMARU a blow-up doll]
Shade: Yeah, but... it won't feel the SAME...
Shade: Oh, ****, forgot to mention: the wife tried to defend herself with a dagger. Now you know.
Tail: Oh, Tajomaru, I beg of you, please duel my husband... I cannot bear the shame of TWO men knowing my dishonor.
Shade: Even though I'm retelling this to a courtroom?
Tail: ...just fight.
Shade: Very well! *lets Samurai go* SAMURAI! Duel me in battle... 'cause your wife said so!
Shadow: En guarde!
[cling clang slash shwoop shwam swipe SWOOSH]
Shadow: I am vanquished!
Tail: Oh, mah poor hart... *exit WIFE*
Shade: I am truly the greatest. End flashback-of-flashback!
[they spin around in circles the other way, and run off-stage]
[enter TAJOMARU]
Shade: There you have it, your honor. I am guilty of the crimes accused of me.
MS: Hey, what happened to that one dagger?
Shade: Oh, in all the excitement, I had forgotten all about it. How foolish.

[enter WIFE]
Tail: That's not how it happened, your honor. THIS is how it happened! Flashback time!
[he spins around in circles and runs off-stage]
Shade: Now, where are we in this one?
Shadow: Pretty sure this is after the nasty bit.
Shade: Oh... oh, right, right, right. I have had my way with you, woman! Now I shall leave!
Tail: Oh, husband.. I'm so sorry.. please forgive me.
[the SAMURAI looks with scorn]
Tail: Please!
[WIFE unties the SAMURAI]
Tail: Please.. at least kill me so I may be at peace.
[the SAMURAI continues looking with loathing]
Tail: Oh, your expression.. it is so... hurtful... oh, my poor heart. *faint*
[the SAMURAI picks up a dagger, and stabs himself (staged! Of course)]
[WIFE wakes up]
Tail: Oh, foolish me.................. th...that's it. End flashback-of-flashback.
[they spin around in the other direction and run off-stage]

MS: Now, as was apparently customary in Japan back then... we shall now hear from the dead man, himself, through a medium.
[enter MEDIUM (the Tails Doll)]
TD: Yo, everybody. Stand back.. 'cause what you are about to see may scare you. I'm a medium. I happen to dabble in the black arts. This **** is 100% real, you hear me? Some dude was murdered, and now we're gonna use the aforementioned black arts to hear from the dead guy who killed him! And how! Stand back, for I be chargin' mah lazor! Sha-zippity! Sha-zoopity! Shalakaladingdong! A-bippity-bubbly-boo! SHOOP! DA! WHOOP! IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZOR!
[the stage is covered in fog]
TD: Mindfreak.
[enter SAMURAI]
Shadow: You want to know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. Flashback time.
[they spin around in circles and run off-stage]
Shade: I'm back, suckers! Now, where are we?
Tail: This is the dead guy's story.
Shade: Oh, that part. Gimme the blow-up doll, Dark.
Shade: Woman! Travel with me!
Tail: Very well! But, first, kill my husband so I do not suffer the guilt of having two men.
Shade: What?! Samurai! What shall we do? Kill her, or let her go?
Shadow: For these words alone, I'm ready to pardon your crime.
Shade: Um.. thanks.
[WIFE escapes]
Shade: Come back!
Shade: Aw.
[TAJOMARU sets the SAMURAI free]
Shadow: For no reason whatsoever, I shall now end my life. *STAB* I am vanquished! End flashback!
[he spins around the other way]
[exit SAMURAI]

Dark: The medium was lying.
Cham: He was?
Dark: Yeah.
Cham: Oh.
Dark: You see, I saw the crime, myself... but I didn't want to get caught up in the trial.
Chao: *coughbullsheepcough*
Dark: Cough drop?
Chao: Thanks!
Cham: So... so what REALLY happened, Mister Woodcutter?
Dark: I'll tell ya. Flashback time!
[they spin around in circles and run off-stage]
Shade: *sigh* Okay, where are we?
Shadow: Past the nasty part.
Shade: 'Kay. Marry me, woman!
Tail: Noooooo!
[the WIFE frees the SAMURAI]
Shadow: You fiend... you are lucky that I do not wish to risk my life for such a spoiled woman.
Shade: Tsk, ya got THAT right.
Tail: Shame on both of you! A REAL man would fight for a woman's love!
Shade: ....****, the kid's right.
Shadow: Eh, can't argue with that logic.
Shadow: Alright, shut up!
Shade: Uh... wait, this is the story where I don't know how to fight, isn't it?
Shadow: Eah... I had forgotten for a moment.
[they pitifully fight]
[TAJOMARU slays the SAMURAI-- just barely]
Tail: You monster!
[exit WIFE]
Shade: Wait, but you.... ahhhhhhhh!
[exit TAJOMARU, limping]
Shadow: .....uh.. end flashback.
[he spins around in circles the other way, then runs off-stage]

Cham: Damn.
Dark: Yeah. That's how it happened, alright.
Chao: It's a pretty strange occurrence, indeed.
Cham: Yeah. ...you wonder if--
[they are interrupted by a baby's crying]
Cham: Hey, it's a baby.
Dark: Yeah. SHUT UP!!!
Cham: Hey, some clothes have been left for the baby. ...gimme! *steals*
Dark: Hey-whoa-whoa-HEY, buddy! Don't steal from a baby!
Cham: Pfft, nice try. I know you stole the dagger from the crime scene.
Dark: Well..... maybe.
Cham: Ha! A thief calling another a thief? Typical. All men are fueled by self-interest. I'm outta here.
Chao: All men.. fueled by self-interest? Ugh.. my head.... I fear my faith in humanity is faltering.
[the WOODCUTTER reaches for the baby]
Chao: What do you think you're doing?
Dark: Take a ride on the chill train, dude. I wanna raise the kid, along with my own. I have six, you see.
Chao: Wow. Caring for others? Sir, you have given me new faith in humanity! Here, have the rugrat.
[the PRIEST gives the WOODCUTTER the baby]
Dark: Thanks, doc. Don't worry; the baby's safe with me. I'm out. Peace!
Dark: ....aw, sweet, free beer! *glug glug glug* Now, where's my car?
Chao: ..um.. the end!
[enter ALL]
[All take a bow for the audience's applause]
[exit ALL]

[laughter; standing ovation]
MS: Yes, yes, now shaddup again. We've got more.
[they shut up and sit down]
MS: That was Kurosawa-san's most famous film, "Rashomon."
["Why was it called 'Rashomon?'"]
MS: Oh, that? It's called that because.. the woodcutter, priest, and commoner were standing around the Rashomon temple. We kinda forgot to mention that tiny detail.
MS: Anyway, Rashomon was really influential, 'cause it inspired that whole 'multiple conflicting stories' concept that you saw in the reenactment. Kurosawa-san was also a perfectionist. He'd often work hours and hours trying to get ONE thing right. Hell, for "Ran," he painted the storyboards, himself, for ten years straight.
["He was a painter, too?"]
MS: Yes, he was a painter, too. He was Japanese. What did you expect?
MS: Ah... moving on, he has inspired the likes of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas... and... Adolf Hitler.....
MS: And.. something about "Can't we all just get along?" Or was that Mister King? I can't remember.
[mild laughter]
MS: Sorry, I.. left my note cards at home, and have been kinda.. improvising most of this.
[enter Shade]
Shade: Ouch. Looks like Metal's bombed. Play him off, gang!
Shade: ....uh-oh. I'll be right back.
[Shade runs off-stage]
MS: ..it would appear that things are going wrong.
[mild laughter]
[Shade comes back]
Shade: Alright, well... we're experiencing technical difficulties, so... this'll have to do as our memorial to Akira Kurosawa. Hope you enjoyed it!
[applause and whatnot]


Farewell director
Akira Kurosawa
You were really cool.


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