RAAAGHFLAFFFFCHAAAAARRRRGHZZ!!! EPISODE 42 IS HEAR!

Sorry for spazzing out there, but hey, it's DCA. And new, official episodes are ALWAYS interesting. ESPECIALLY this one. ....*twitch*

"This train is... inbound... for Sector C."
Shade: *sigh* I wonder what Echo is doing here...
[the train stops]
Shade: Oh, here comes (a) Barney.
Barney: Mornin', Shade! What brings you here?
Shade: Uh... confidential matters.
Barney: Right, I understand. Okay, I'm lettin' you out.
[door opens]
[Shade and Barney walk across a platform, Barney opens a door and lets Shade in]
Barney2: Hey, Shade. How's it going?
Shade: Eh, pretty good. Didja see a purple Dark chao pass by?
B2: Uh... no, I don't think so. Although, I DID see a strange man in a business suit.
Shade: That's gotta be him! Time to go!
[Shade dashes onward through Black Mesa]

Dark Chao Adventures TMEWT 2/Episode 42: When's Half-Time?

Chapter 1: Anonymous Materials
[Shade runs through, searching for Echo]
Shade: Where could he be? !!!
[Shade stops and looks in a window, seeing a business suit-man talking to a scientist]
Shade: There he is!
[Shade dives through the window, but by the time he's in the room, the man had disappeared]
Shade: Whuh? Where'd he go?
Scientist: Where'd who go?
Shade: The-the G-Man, I know you saw him!
Sci: Huh? ...OH! THAT man! He exited just before you crashed in.
Shade: Rats...
[Shade continues going through the facility, and finds Dark]
Shade: DARK! What are YOU doing here?
Dark: Oh, hey, Shade. I applied here, and they made me a scientist. Innit great?
Shade: NO, it's not! Echo is somewhere in Black Mesa, and I have to find him.
Dark: Echo? ...Crap. I... suppose I'll help, but... I have to do my job.
Shade: Dark, you're a Dark chao. We don't do our jobs!
Dark: YOU might not. I happen to care for my position!
Shade: *sigh* FINE. If I help you do your job, will you help me find Echo?
Dark: Sure!
[Dark sees Shade off to the Test Chamber]
Shade: O..kay, what kinda work is this?
Dark: Relax, all you gotta do is press a button, and push a cart into a hole!
Shade: Oh, is that all?
[while Dark is explaining this, Echo comes in and tampers with the computer]
Dark: Okay, press the button.
[Shade does, and a giant machine activates]
Dark: Nice work! I'll take it from here. Activating sequence... NOW!
[the machine lets off a laser]
Dark: Good....... ......? Uh... heheheh... it's... probably nothing, but... I'm showing a slight disturbance in the force.
Shade: Chill, Dark. If anything happens, I'll be right here to take care of it.
Dark: Thanks. Speaking of which, you can push the cart into the hole now.
[he does, and the machine blows up]
Shade: CRAP!
[Shade is teleported to a strange planet]
Shade: Uh... whoa.
[a strange creature approaches him]
Shade: Eh... nice... little.... Bullsquid.... you wouldn't hurt ME, would you--
[Shade is teleported again]
[Shade is now in a dark area, with humanoid-ish creatures surrounding him]
Shade: Whoa-- VORTIGAUNTS! Eek!
[Shade is teleported one more time, and this time, back to the Test Chamber]
Chapter 2: Foreshadowed Consequences
[the chamber is dark, electricity is sparking everywhere, and the ceiling is occasionally falling]
Shade: *cough* Ugh... whoa... man, I KNEW this'd happen.... I played Half-Life.
Dark: Shade? SHADE, are you there?
Shade: Yeah, I'm, uh... I'm down in the Test Chamber.
Dark: Come up here, and let's get out of this death trap.
[Shade does, and when they reach the exit to the trains...]
Shade: I'm afraid we have another adventure in front of us, Dark.
Dark: Whaddya mean? How can you tell?
Shade: I played Half-Life. THAT'S how I can tell. Now, listen, first thing we wanna do is NOT exit to the trains.
Dark: Why not?
Shade: Trust me, there's literally NOTHING behind this door. The programmers didn't put anything.
Dark: Oh.
Shade: Also, listen. We need to get to the surface. Or, so says Doctor Eli Vance.
Dark: So, how do we get there?
Shade: Uh... we wanna go to the office complex. To get there, we'll have to find the elevator deep in the core of Sector C.
[they roam through the destroyed research facility, crossing many jumping puzzles and defeating many aliens]
[eventually, they stop at a large room with many monsters in it]
Dark: Shade, look up!
[above, on an overlooking walkway, is Echo. He fixes his tie and walks away casually]
Shade: Dark, look around for the exit; I'll go for Echo.
[Shade finds that the corridor Echo went down leads to a dead end, and he's nowhere to be found]
[Shade returns to Dark, and they continue]
Chapter 3: A Complex Office
[the two find an elevator and ride it to the top]
[at the top is an office complex]
[the complex is dark, and wires are everywhere; it's obvious the resonance cascade messed things up]
Dark: Oh, my Hero Chaos...
Shade: What?
Dark: This is.....
[Dark runs off]
Shade: Dark, where are you going? *sigh*...
[Shade notices some headcrabs to his left]
Shade: Um... hello, little guys. Uh... you're not gonna... kill me, are you?
[a headcrab jumps at him]
Shade: Eah! *runs off*
[Shade eventually catches up with Dark at a dar--uh... shaded room]
Shade: Dark, what's wrong?
Dark: This is... this is where I WORK!
Shade: Oh. Is that all?
Dark: Whaddya mean "is that all?" I oughta slap you! Without an office, I can't get PAID!
Shade: Dark, when's the last time you ever cared about money?
Dark: ...oh, yeah. Heh heh...
Shade: Dummy. *slaps Dark*
[they exit the shaded room and realize they're in a gloomy, destroyed office complex]
Dark: Oh yeah.... I forgot, we're screwed!
Shade: Never say "never," Dark! We'll find a way out of this! After all, I've beaten every Valve game to date!
Dark: But I didn't--
Shade: Now, if I remember Half-Life correctly, this chapter is where we're finishing up on the simple "get the hell outta here" gameplay.
Dark: ...what?
Shade: In the next chapter, things will get epic-er. ...and more first-person shooter-er.
Dark: .........WHAT?
Shade: Simply put, this chapter is the last of what I call "training." It's a piece of cake!
Dark: Shade, you're not making any sense.
Shade: C'mon! Follow me!
[they hop through a vent, jump onto a table, jump over electrifyed water, flip a light switch, enter another vent--]
Shade: Hey, wait... where's our crowbar?
Dark: It was in my office.
Shade: ...oh. ...Dark, go get it, and I'll unlock the next door for ya.
[they do that, so now they're further on and can kill headcrabs!]
[minutes pass; Shade and Dark get very far in the chapter]
[suddenly, they run into a vortigaunt! It shocks them]
Shade: OW! Wait a minute... I'm hurt?
Dark: Uh... yeah, of course.
[RUMBLE RUMBLE-- Red breaks out of a nearby vent]
Red: ARGH! Freaking barnacles.... I HATE them. Wait, huh? Shade? Dark? YAY, OTHER PEOPLE!
Shade: Hey, Red... why am I hurt? I thought this was Half-Life, not REAL life!
Red: Dude, what are you talking about? You've been playing too many games.
Shade: Yikes... now my fears are returning to me... NO, DADDY! DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!
Dark: *to Red* Supressed memories, much?
Red: More like DISTURBING memories.
[Red kills the vortigaunt]
Red: Calm down, Shade. We'll get out of this.
Shade: But... but we can actually DIE! And do you KNOW what this game puts you through!?
Red: *thinks for a moment* .....no, I don't.
Shade: You don't? Good! I'll keep it as a surprise, then.
Red: Random.
[they keep going, and find a scientist]
Sci: Hello? *gasp* DON'T KILL ME!
Shade: No, no, we're not aliens.
Dark: More like alien hunters.
Sci: Really? Oh, good. Listen, there's no more reason to be scared! The government is coming to save us!
[Shade remembers something, and freezes]
Red: Dude, you alright?
Shade: I don't like to be shot at..... I-I mean... yeah, I'm fine. C'mon, we're near the next chapter.
[they find an elevator, open the door, and realize that it's just an elevator shaft]
Dark: .....crap.
Shade: Up there! There's the elevator!
[after careful jumps, the chao make it to the elevator and start the next chapter]
Chapter 4: "We've Got Milk"
[they step through the door, and see a scientist banging on a window]
Sci: For god's sake, OPEN THE ******* DOOR! Please! They're coming!
[Shade looks through the window and sees a Barney get pulled into a vent by a creature]
Sci: No, it's hopeless! We're DOOMED!
[Shade looks at a button next to a door, and takes one long think about what's to come]
Shade: *sigh* ....may as well get started. You two, come. Quickly.
[Shade smashes the button, creating an alarm and making the door in front close; they run through before it does]
Dark: Shade, please! Tell us... what's going on?
Red: Yeah, why are you so stressed all of a sudden?
Shade: The main reason? You'll find out next chapter. Other than that... the army is coming.
Red: Yay! They can save us from the aliens!
Shade: ...I dunno how to break this to you, so I'll just let you find out.
Dark: I'm scared...
Shade: Before we continue on our journey, I need to tell you... the remaining 13 chapters are FULL of FPS action. You ready?
Red: Always ready, Shade. Always ready.
Shade: Good. Let's get a move on.
[Shade hops over some lasers with style, followed by the others]
Shade: Shh! Listen.
[they hear some military radio sounds around the corner]
Shade: *equips SMG (sub-machine gun)* Ready?
[Dark nods; Red nods; Shade takes a deep breath]
Shade: ...MOVE, MOVE, MOVE!
[they run around the corner, and the army soldiers shoot at them]
Red: WHOA! Guys, we're on your side!
[they kill the soldiers, and take a breather]
Red: Why were they shooting us?
Shade: You'll eventually find out, okay? Look, we've got one helluva chapter ahead of us, so we'd better start shooting.
[they run across the warehouse of Black Mesa, shooting all soldiers they find]
[after some advanced vent-crawling, they find a control room, and a scientist]
Sci: Ah, thank god someone's here! The government needs to clean up the Black Mesa incident, and their way of doing that is to eradicate anything related to it!
Red: Oh. That answers my question PERFECTLY.
Sci: I'm sure the only way to resolve this is to make your way to the Lambda labs at the other side of this facility. The scientists there should be able to help you.
Dark: How do we get there?
Sci: There should be a decommisioned railway system under this building that takes you there.
Shade: Good, c'mon, let's go.
[the chao leave and find a large door]
Shade: Before we enter the railway system, guys...
Red: Yeah?
Shade: The next chapter is the START of the rail. Then a part that'll kill us. Then the main rail station. Then a long, LONG rail path. You get me?
Red: So... we're REALLY screwed?
Shade: That's right. *gulp* ...good luck.
[the door opens, and the chao enter it]
Chapter 5: Blast Pit Tentacle
[they reach a large room with a large elevator and a control booth]
Shade: I'll guard the elevator from the houndeyes. You two invade the booth, kill the zombies, pull the switch, and run down here.
Both: Got it!
[they do, and run down]
[Shade pressed the button, and the elevator goes down to a small railway]
[they hop onto a train]
Shade: Now, as soon as I start this train, the fun part begins. We'll be going at over A HUNDRED miles an hour, got it? So don't fall off.
Red: ...why would we go that fast on such a small railway?
[Shade activates the train]
[as the train speeds, lots of aliens on the tracks get crushed]
Red: Shade, I know the designers made this train go this fast for a reason. What was it?
Shade: HeeheeheeheeeheeHEEEEE!!! Because if we were going any slower, we wouldn't clear the jump!
Red: J-JUMP!?
[it's in view now-- the train is speeding towards a small train stopper thing]
Red: Oh, Hero Chaos! But.. what are we jumping!?
[worse yet-- there's a giant lake of toxic waste in front of it]
Red: OH, HERO CHAOS! ARE THEY TRYING TO KILL US!?
(note: In case you don't get it, if the train stops so suddenly when it's going so fast... well, let's just say this train does not have seatbelts, a windshield, or even a ROOF, for that matter)
[seconds left before the impact, and I'll give you a clear description of what the scene looks like--]
[Red and Dark are huddled together, crying, while Shade is at the controls, laughing maniacally]
Red: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!!
Dark: MOMMY! MOMMY!!!!
Shade: Eah-heh-heh-heh-heh-HEH! I love you guys down at Valve!
[DUN...]
[DUN......]
[DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!]
[SMACK!]
[pause....]
[the chao are seen flying in the distance]
[cut to the scene shown on a blue monitor, JOE and the MILKMAN are watching]
JOE: PFFT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhA!!! Whoo, GOD, that was funny!
MM: Wait a minute... JOE, didn't you remove the crates in the middle of the toxic waste?
JOE: Uh... no.
MM: ARGH! You're so... STUPID!
[cut to the chao, waking up on crates in the middle of the toxic waste]
Red: Ugh... man, that was.... fun!
Shade: Yeah, let's do that again!
Red: Dark, wasn't that awesome? ...Dark? *notices Dark* ...OH.
[Dark didn't hit the crates-- instead, he hit a lead pipe]
Dark: ........................................................let's NEVER....speak of this.....again...
Shade: You wanna know the two funny parts? One, there was another way across.
Red: Wha... WHAT!?
Shade: Yeah, and two-- that's not what I was scared of.
[Dark gets up]
Dark: Huh?
Shade: What was I scared of, you ask? Let's keep going.
[they follow the pipes, and find a giant silo]
Shade: I never realized... this thing resembles GLaDOS' chambers.
Red: A giant silo? Filled with what?
Shade: Keep going.
[they find an elevator which takes them up to a walkway leading into the silo]
[they keep going, and find a SECOND silo inside the first one]
Red: ...it's filled with ANOTHER silo?
Shade: It's what's in THIS one that I'm worried about.
[they keep going, and enter it]
[they find a ladder]
Shade: Up this ladder is a scripted event introducing EXACTLY what I'm stressing.
[they climb the ladder and find a scientist by a control room]
Sci: Oh, hello.
Red: That's what you're scared of? A little scientist?
[a large, green tentacle monster breaks through the monster, grabs the scientist, and drags him out]
[Red and Dark are staring, jaws down on the ground]
Shade: Well?
Red: Are the folks at Valve... giving us... hell?
Shade: No, just an intense game.
Dark: How do we kill it?
Shade: Here's the fun part-- our weapons are useless. We must switch on three generators: A fan, an electricity currentizerthingy, and a switch. THEN, we come back here and press that big button there.
Dark: Ooh! Ooh! My brain is working!
Shade: Yes, Dark?
Dark: Let's split up! Each of us takes one! Then we come back and press that thingy!
Red: Dark, you did it! You just thunk! And a good idea, too!
Shade: I dunno, I mean... are you guys SURE you can handle all this? The train was ONE thing, but you'll be dealing with a TON of deadly stuff around here.
[they think for a moment]
Red: I think I can do it.
Dark: I'll think as much as I can!
Shade: Heh heh... all right. I'll take the LEAST dangerous path, since you two are so sure of yourselves.
[Shade remembers something]
Shade: Oh, yeah! The three things are Oxygen, Fuel, and Power. I'm sure Oxy and Fuel are one and the same, so... you two can take Power. I'll do the other two.
Dark: Giggety.
Shade: Right. Before we split, though... the ways to the generators are in the room with the tentacles.
Red: Sheesh, this scene keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? WHAT'S WITH ALL THE CATCHES!?
Shade: That's the last one! Listen, you two must go to the BOTTOM floor, and open a door. Let's go.
[they do, and dodge the tentacle monsters, making it into their corresponding places]
[let's zero in on Shade first]
[Shade does slow-mo action-movie style jumps through spinning railway cars, and activates an electric machine]
[he runs back and pulls a switch, then goes back to the control room]
Shade: I wonder how the other two are doing...
[now, for the interesting part--]
Red: So, Shade said this path is dangerous. I wonder why?
[they find a small elevator]
Dark: Ooh, transportation!
[they step into it and press the button]
[it slowly goes down]
Red: Super slow, innit?
[it stops-- one-fifth of the way down]
[Red looks out the door and screams]
[it is one HELLUVA long drop, and at the bottom is toxic waste]
Red: Uh-oh. Long jump, huh?
Dark: For some reason, I doubt it'll be a jump.
Red: Whaddya mean?
[the elevator groans]
Red: ...aw, shi--
[the elevator's wires snap, and it falls all the way down into the toxic waste]
MM&JOE (watching on monitor): OOOOHHH!
MM: That's gotta hurt.
JOE: You said it.
[Red and Dark manage to swim out (although pulsing with toxic waste)]
Red: *coughs blood* Ow. That.... that sucked.
Dark: I saw my life flashing before my eyes! ...........it was really boring.
Red: Let's just hope we musn't go through any more dangerous stuff for a while.
[seconds later, they're crawling across a giant fan]
Red: *sigh* I just had to say it, didn't I?
Dark: I think Shade said we had to activate this thing.
Red: *deep sigh* Man, I REALLY had to say it, didn't I?
[they step beneath the fan and press a giant button]
[the fan starts]
Red: Well, that's not that dangerous.
[they start floating upwards (I guess due to the fan) and fly for at least ten seconds until they hit the ceiling]
Dark: Oof! Quick! Fly that way! There's a vent!
[they manage to escape and rendesvouz with Shade]
Shade: Good, you made it. Now, when I push this button, you're gonna wanna stand back.
[Red and Dark stand back]
Shade: Heh, you're gonna wanna get further back than THAT, kids!
[they back up to the wall]
Shade: Further!
Red: We can't get any further!
Shade: Aw, well. FIRE IN THE HOLE!
[SLAM! Shade pressed the button, and a rocket ignites a heavy deal of fire onto the tentacles]
[so much that Shade is forced into the wall, and all three are given third-degree burns]
[after five seconds, the tentacles retreat into their hole]
Dark: Giggety.
All: ......OW.
Shade: Right. The chapter's nearly over, folks. But, this isn't the LEAST of our troubles. Hell, where we're going, these guys are EVERYWHERE.
[Red and Dark nearly faint]
Shade: Now, come on! INTO THE HOLE!
[as they jump into the hole, Dark says "Giggety," and they enter the next chapter]
Chapter 6: Powered Up Gargantua
[they walk down a hall, and Shade stops]
Shade: Aw, crap; I remember this chapter now! This is the one with the freaking GARG in it!
Red: Wait, the freaking WHAT?
[they hear a loud, deep roar, and thunderous footsteps]
[around the corner, they see a rail station, and a giant, dark blue beast with a giant head, a third arm in its stomach, and sharp teeth]
All: ...
[the gargantua (garg) approaches a soldier, and shoots fire, followed by stomping on the ground (causing an earthquake)]
Red: Tell me, Shade.... does Valve have a death wish? 'Cause if we get outta here alive, they'll get one.
Shade: Relax, this chapter's a tiny bit easier than the last. We need to activate ONE generator this time, start up the train, turn the train turntable, and--
[Shade notices Echo standing by the turntable controls]
Shade: It's ECHO! Why you little...
[Shade runs off, Red and Dark have no choice but to follow]
Shade: ...if I know G-Man, when we go up to the turntables, he won't be there. So, let's go for the generator.
[they run down multiple long corridors, and fight multiple soldiers and aliens]
[they find a large thing that says "Power Unit 1"]
[Shade presses the button, and they cheese it]
[they quickly run to the train near the garg]
Red: Hold on, why's this chapter speeding along so quickly?
Shade: 'Cause as cool as this chapter is, DJ's only making CERTAIN chapters long and others short. Hey, he's only human.
DJ: ...yeah, let's go with that. Now, just start up the train, will ya? The next one's probably my favorite chapter!
Shade: ...oh, yeah, mine too! Start the train!
[they start the train, and drive it to the edge of the turntable, flip the table controls, and drive along the tracks]
Red: Uh... Shade? The garg's following us.
Shade: Don't worry, it'll die by the electric rail.
[minutes pass]
Red: ...it's been 3 minutes. Where's the garg death?
Shade: *looks back, sees garg* I-I don't get it! Even IF the garg doesn't die, he's not supposed to follow us THIS far!
[the MILKMAN's evil laughter is heard]
Shade: Oh. My. Hero Chaos.
Dark: What's wrong, Shade?
Shade: We ARE gonna die! The MILKMAN's EDITING the freaking GAME!
Red: Y-you mean you can't outrun it?
Shade: Hell, no! If the Beta Avengers are behind the controls, ANYTHING'S possible! Even our death!
[Shade takes a deep breath]
Shade: We're just gonna have to kill it, since the stage is apparently looping.
Dark: A'ight, let's kill it, then! SHOOT IT!
Shade: There's one bad part. Our weapons are useless. BUT, it CAN die by explosives.
Dark: WE DON'T HAVE EXPLOSIVES!
Red: ...I do.
[the Darks look at him]
Dark: You DO?
Red: You said it yourself, Shade. All Dark chao have DYNAMITE.
Shade: Really? Well, why didn't you use it on the bomb, and prevent us from going through all of this!?
Red: Beta Avengers, that's why. While I was dead, they stole my dynamite. They gave it back when we were on the subway.
Dark: Enough talk! BLOW IT UP!
[Red chucks all 10 tons of dynamite off the track, blowing up the garg]
All: *cheer*
[LOADING SCREEN]
Chapter 7: Monorail
[while they're riding on the rails, the chao talk]
Shade: Lemme give you the low-down. 3/4 of this chapter consists of heavily awesome, FPS action while riding on this train. The tracks will split at multiple parts, requiring us to shoot switches. And, there will be LOTS of parts where we hop off and switch trains.
Red: 0.0 That sounds so awesome, I can barely keep it contained.
Dark: ROCK AND ROLL!
[Shade hands the other two some SMGs]
Shade: There'll be a ton of puzzle solving, but it'll still be awesome.
Dark: Quick question-- what's the OTHER quarter of the chapter?
Shade: Oh, now that's one of the best parts of the game. Why would I spoil it for you?
[they come to a small guard post]
Barney: Hey, Shade. The Lambda team told me that there's one small problem. In order to fix this mess, they need this giant rocket to be launched into mid-orbit, but they can't activate it from there.
Shade: That's the other quarter.
Dark: Launching a rocket into mid-orbit!? Woo-HOO!
[Barney opens the gate, letting them onto an elevator]
[the elevator takes them onto the main tracks]
Shade: Now, THIS is where the fun begins. Ready your rifles, men.
[Shade looks at Red, who nods; he looks at Dark, who nods; he pulls the switch, moving the train at a nice speed]
Red: ...can't it go faster?
Shade: You don't wanna speed PAST the action, Red. You wanna SHOOT it.
Red: Good point. Let's roll.
[they spend a couple minutes navigating twists and turns, shooting soldiers and aliens]
Red: Hey, a large elevator!
Shade: Ready to do some heavy shooting?
[it activates, taking them up; thousands of soldiers are shooting, as well]
Red: *budda-budda-budda* Sheesh, there's at least a MILLION of 'em! *budda-budda-budda*
Dark: Cover me while I reload!
Shade: This is Half-Life ONE, not TWO, Dark.
Red: OPEN FIRE!
[they reach the top of the elevator and keep going]
[they spend at least twenty minutes speeding through the multiple tracks of the chapter until they reach a stopping point]
Shade: All right, we've been riding enough. We're going outside now.
[they sneak around the corner, and hear two soldiers talking]
Marine 1: So, who is this guy, Shade?
Marine 2: They say he was at ground zero.
Marine 1: Science team... You think he was responsible? Sabotage,
maybe?
Marine 2: Yeah, maybe. All I know for sure is he's been killing my
buddies.
Marine 1: Oh yeah, he'll pay. He will definitely pay.
[Shade hops around the corner and shoots them]
Shade: A little lowdown here-- there's a building nearby, crawling with tripmines and soldiers. We infiltrate it, we press a big button, the rocket launches, we win.
Red: Let's go!
[they step through some big doors]
Shade: Sniper to your left, Dark.
[Dark shoots him]
Shade: The entrance is right there.
[they enter, and see three blue lasers (tripmines-- pass the laser, and explode)]
[using cool action-movie style jumping, they make it across, kill a squad of soldiers, and find the control room]
Shade: Out that window. See it? The silo? When we press this button, the rocket will launch from there.
[BEEP!]
[the rocket launches]
[the chao cheer]
Shade: We still have about nine chapters to go. Good luck, guys.
[they look around and find a large, red train]
Shade: Hop in and hold on. TIGHT, you hear me? This part is another one o' those... dangerous parts.
Red: Clearing a jump?
Shade: No, clearing a fall.
Red: ...wha-wha-WHAAAT!?
Shade: YEEEE-HAAAA! *activates train, goes at lightning speed*
Chapter 8: U BIN APPREHENDED!
Red: Shade, what's going on!?
Shade: This train is beyond my control now. We just have to wait for it to spiral off the tracks, and plummet us into water.
Red: Water!?
[the train snaps off the tracks, speeds past three soldiers, and falls into water]
[the chao swim back up]
Red: *deep breath* Man, this game is fun.
Shade: You said it, pal.
Dark: So, any more "fun" parts we should know about?
Shade: Yeah, but you'll find out once we ditch this place.
[they do, and reach a large room with some form of shark cage dangling above water]
[a scientist is in the shark cage]
Shade: Wait for it...
[a large fish-like creature hops out and eats the scientist]
[Dark and Red are staring, jaws on the ground]
Red: No. Freaking. Way.
Shade: Yeah way.
Dark: We're gonna kill that thing?
Shade: Uh-huh. With a tranquilizer, too.
Red: Lemme guess... the tranquilizer is inside that shark cage.
Shade: You guessed it.
[they find another scientist inside a room]
Sci: Hello... I'm too scared to leave, because of that... fish thing! I think it came from the depths of the ocean about a week ago, but... now I'm thinking it's one of those aliens. There's a tranquilizer gun in--
Red: In the shark cage, we know.
Shade: Hey, Dark. Why don't YOU have some time to shine?
Dark: Huh?
Shade: You've always wanted to kill an icky (icthyosaur), haven't you?
Dark: ....s-so?
[cut to Dark walking to the shark cage, Shade and Red are watching from a safe distance]
Dark: You guys owe me!
[he carefully enters the cage, and it drops into the water]
Dark: Ahh! *equips tranquilizer* Here, icky...
[the icky tries to bite him, but he shoots it, and it falls asleep/dies]
[they move on, and find a room filled with aliens]
[after "rearranging some alien bodies," a scientist opens a door for them]
Sci: The government is after you, you know. I'd recommend sticking to the abondoned, industrial sections of the building, if I were you.
Shade: Um... thanks?
[they enter a cold freezer, and rush through]
[they find an elevator and ride it to the top]
Barney: Shade! The Lambda team wanted me to tell you something important! They said-- *shot by unknown entity* ARGH!
Red: Shade, what was that?
Shade: Female assassins. *looks around* ...and by the looks of it, they don't want to come out.
[Shade equips a shotgun]
Shade: Looks like we'll MAKE them.
[they go on an assassin hunt, killing a good 4 or 5 of them]
Shade: *remembers something* Ah, yes... um... there's a very dangerous, funny, and awesome part coming up. As soon as we open that door.
Dark: How "awesome?"
Shade: Dark, it's to die for.
[they open the door, step in, and the lights switch off]
?: GO! GO! GO!
[some unknown people knock the chao out]
[Shade wakes up for a second while being dragged away]
Marine 2: Where are we takin this Shade guy?
Marine 1: Topside for questioning.
Marine 2: What the hell for? We got 'im. Let's kill him now.
Marine 1: Uh... and if they find the body?
Marine 2: Body? What body?
Both: *chuckle*
[Shade faints]
[half an hour later, all three wake up in a garbage disposal (a la Star Wars), which begins the crushing sequence]
Red: Ugh... was THAT the "fun" part you mentioned?
Shade: Yep. We'd better get a move on.
[they hop on some boxes and find a vent which takes them (finally) out to the surface]
Chapter 9: Processed Chao
Dark: We always end up in the sewers in this game, don't we?
Shade: Eh, you should see the expansion packs.
[Shade shakes the sewer water off of him]
Shade: Okay, now in this chapter, ......not much happens. We just go through the industrial sections of the facility. Not that much.
Dark: No fun parts?
Shade: ...well, I suppose riding conveyer belts through furnaces is pretty fun.
Red: Wha-wha-WHAAAAT!?
Shade: I know, right? It's like... it's like Portal!
Dark: Psst... DJay? Can we... breeze through this chapter?
DJ: No. This is actually a good chapter, you know. It requires logical thinking, and proper timing.
Dark: Aw... can we at least GET to the good parts?
DJ: *sigh* Fine.
[they go into the dam, see a Barney get eaten by a barnacle (creature with a big mouth and big tongue), and get to a room full of conveyer belts]
Shade: Yeah, this part is fun. It's an entire MAZE of conveyer belts! Let's go.
[they start riding the conveyors, and jump from one to the other]
[minutes pass, and they eventually fall into a rotating blade thing and into water]
[they swim out and find a dark hall]
Chapter 10: Don't Question My Ethics
Red: Short chapter, huh?
DJ: I was bored. Besides, you guys still have around seven chapters left!
Shade: *remembers something* Aw, crap.
Dark: Another fun part?
Shade: Make that two. One, the minor fun part-- in this chapter, the exit will be right in front of us. But, we can't get in there without a scientist. The awesomely fun part is the entirity of the next chapter.
Red: Uh... let's just focus on THIS chapter, shall we?
[they keep going through the hall, and reach a room full of houndeyes (aliens with one giant eye comprised of a thousand small ones)]
Dark: Nice houndeyes. You wouldn't want to kill us, would you?
Houndeye: Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr*whirrrrrrrrrhighpitchedscream*rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!
Shade: RUN!
[they manage to escape that room, and find an alien grunt (alien with weapons) inside a glass cage]
Shade: Hmm... there's an alien grunt inside a cage... and a closed door. And this EMERGENCY button.
Red: The moment we press that button, the door will open, but so will the cage, right?
Shade: Nice, Devilish; you're learning the pattern.
Red: It's pretty predictable.
[Dark presses the button, the alien grunt breaks out of the cage, and the door opens]
Shade: Run!
[Red kills the grunt; they find a Barney in the next room]
Barney: Hey, the exit to the facility's nearby. But, the government's switched off the doors, so you'll need someone with retinal access.
Shade: Called it.
Dark: So... we need a scientist to get to the next chapter?
Shade: Yup.
Dark: In Black Mesa? The place for scientists? How is that hard?
Shade: The army, Dark. The army tried to "cover up" the incident by killing people.
Dark: Oh? OH! OHHH! Oh....
Shade: Don't worry; I've beaten every Valve game to date, haven't I? I know where the scientists are. Just follow me and do as I say.
[they reach a corner]
Shade: Once we go around this corner, you'll need to open fire like hell, a'ight?
Dark: A'ight.
Red: A'ight.
[they jump around the corner and open fire]
Shade: Now, we have to run into the next room. There'll be some kind of pen for headcrabs.
[there is]
Dark: Want me to kill them with my crowbar?
Shade: Better. Follow me into this booth.
[they do]
Shade: When I hit this here button, you're gonna wanna stay outta there.
[BEEP]
[a giant machine charges a large laser and points it at the tiny headcrabs]
[BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!]
Shade: Overkill FTW, baby.
[they continue, and find a scientist and a Barney]
Sci: This is the ultimate weapon: the Gauss Gun!
Barney: Sweet.
Sci: Careful; don't overcharge it!
Barney: What? *OVERCHARGE'D!*
[they die]
Shade: Tsk, tsk, tsk... poor idiots. Hey, free Gauss Gun! *equips*
Red: What now, Shade?
Shade: There are these laser thingies we must activate.
[they run around and activate the laser thingies]
Shade: Now, we must jump out this window.
[they do]
[eventually, they find some scientists]
Scientist 2: A chao! Thank God! Get us out of here before those
military drones figure out where we're hiding.
Scientist 3: We all have retinal scanner access. Escort us to the
lobby, and we can get out of the lab.
Scientist 4: You'll have to shut down the surgical unit first. Peters
switched it on but I'm afraid he never made it back.
Dark: Surgical unit? *looks in next room, sees a giant, spinning blade* Aw, nuts!
Shade: Relax, I-- aw, CRAP!
Red: What?
Shade: I can't do this...
Red: WHAT!? I thought you've beaten every Valve game to date!
Shade: I always got bored halfway through, and started noclipping.
Red: ....aw, nuts.
DJ: Don't worry, I'll help.
[they switch off the machine somehow, and lead the scientists back to the front door to open them]
Scientist: Well, I'll let you out, but I'm warning you, it's hell out
there. It's completely under military control. You'll have to sneak and
fight your way from one end to the other. I don't expect you'll meet
many of our peers along the way. But, if you do survive and somehow
make it across the base, you'll end up at the Lambda complex, where the
rest of the science team has taken shelter. I wouldn't venture there
myself, but I will let them know that you are coming.
[they exit, and find themselves outside the facility]
Shade: *sigh* The next chapter is all fun, guys. ALL.
Red: Really?
Shade: Yeah. I'll give you the lowdown now so I won't have to later.
Dark: Let's hear it!
Shade: Chapter 11 is the longest chapter in Half-Life. It features (finally) fighting outside Black Mesa. Out in the open fields and rocks and stuff, where the army is EVERYWHERE.
Red: That... sounds boring and cliche.
Shade: We're talking helicopter fights, minefields, taking down three tanks at once, aliens versus military, airstrikes, and some surprises I won't mention.
Red: 0.0 ....never mind, then.
Shade: Just take my word for it when I say we'll be making some BIG jumps, shots, and the rest in this next chapter. You in?
Dark: Shade, we've been friends forever. May as well DIE together, am I right? Huh?
Red: Let's just go now, and get the hell outta here.
Shade: Good. Let's go!
[they charge headfirst in the direction of the electric dam]
Chapter 11: Surfaced Tension
Red: Well, this isn't so bad.
[suddenly, an Apache (army helicopter) starts shooting them]
Red: SAVE ME!
Shade: *looks around* See that island there? We're gonna swim to it.
Red: Swim?
[Red looks and realizes they're on top of a dam]
Red: Oh.
[they dive and swim to the island]
Shade: I'm gonna press this button, and those turbines will switch off, allowing us access through the passages. C'mon!
[BEEP, swim swim swim swim]
[they're swimming away from the dam at a fast rate]
[they find a vent and it takes them to a deserty place]
[they spend a few minutes in the sands, shooting soldiers and climbing rocks]
Red: I never realized Black Mesa was in a Mid-Western state.
[a few more minutes later, they find a vent]
Shade: *thinks* Okay. 'Soon as we leave this vent, you're gonna wanna hang low n' quiet. Go wherever the **** you want, but stay low and quiet. Take a pipe and shoot any soldiers you find. Got it?
[they do all that, and manage to flank a squadron of soldiers]
[Shade makes a signal to the other two that something big's coming]
[Red's signal: What?]
[Shade's: You'll see.]
[Red looks over a sandbag and sees a desert tank]
[Red's signal: Aw, ****.]
[Shade picks up an RPG (Rocket-Propelled Grenades {rocket launcher}) and fires 4 shots, blowing up the tank]
Shade: Red Fox, Dark Mann, this is Shaded Gray, group together!
Dark: ....WHAT?
Shade: Grr.... you two, c'mere!
Dark: That's better.
[they continue on, and reach another vent]
Shade: One of the funnest parts of the game comin' up.
Red: Cha-ching!
Dark: Party!
[they enter the vent and come out at...]
[Dark tries to step on the ground, but falls; Shade grabs him and pulls him up to a narrow ledge]
Dark: ...a CLIFF, Shade?
Shade: I know, innit great? Whoop, chopper comin' our way. I need more rockets!
Dark: Here, have mine.
Shade: *reloads* Thanks. FIRE IN THE HOLE! *BOOM!* Apache down! Follow me closely.
[they flank several squads, and find the next vent]
Shade: *KA-BOOM!* YIKES! RPG TANK!
Red: I'll take this one. *BOOM!* *BOOM!* *BOOM!* *BOOM!* It's been downed. Awaiting your orders, Shade.
Shade: I like today.
[they find a giant building]
Shade: *remembers* Whoo, now THIS part is ANOTHER one of the funnest parts of the game.
Dark: Uh....?
Shade: Think Mission Impossible, Dark, mixed with a little James Bond, and a couple pounds of Half-Life tossed in.
Dark: Uh....?
Shade: We're breaking into that building, followed by a very EXPLOSIVE surprise.
Dark: We're blowing it up?
Shade: For once, let's hope we don't.
[Dark looks at Red with confusion, he looks back the same]
Shade: All in good time. ALIEN AIRSTRIKE, AND SOME SNIPERS! FOLLOW ME CLOSELY! ...and watch out for mines.
Dark: *BOOM* Ah!
[they find a vent that takes them in]
Sci: Wondering what I'm doing in here? I'm too petrified to go any further. Open the door, and you'll see what I mean.
[Shade opens the door and shows the other two-- a hall with three tripmines in sight]
Dark: That's it? I can do this, no sweat.
[they make it through, but once they go around the corner, Dark faints]
[the next room is PACKED with tripmines, all wired around a nuclear warhead]
Shade: The scary part is our elevator outta here is directly under that nuke.
[Red faints]
[Shade does his classic slow-mo action-movie style timed jumps and makes it through the incredibly hard puzzle I always noclipped through]
Dark: What's next?
Shade: Eh, a little cliche FPS action. The next fun part's around the end of this chapter. So at least you'll know when we're closer to the finish.
[Shade grabs a "bee bug gun" and proceeds through the various warehouses and battlefields]
[multiple hours pass, of course the sky doesn't change since this is a 'video game']
[eventually, they find themselves in a parking lot]
Shade: *yawn* *realizes* OH! Wake up, guys. *cocks rifle* This is the fun part.
Dark: Eh?
[BOOM! earthquake, fire, low growl]
Red: Now, where have we heard those noises before?
[the noises get louder, and louder, some cars nearby are flipped over, marines shoot something and die]
Red: Erm, Shade? Aren't you... gonna save us?
[louder, Shade laughs]
Red: Shade, DO SOMETHING!
[the garg is in sight, notices them, and comes at them]
Dark: Giggety.
Red: SHADE!
Shade: Heh heh.... HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!! You guys down at Valve must've had our lives on your mind, huh? Guys, follow me as fast as you can, and DON'T LOOK BACK!
[they run at lightning speed, and find a radio by a map]
Marine on radio: Come in! Cooper, do you copy? Forget about Shade. We're
abandoning the base. If you have any last bomb targets, mark them on
the technical map. Otherwise, get the hell out of there. Repeat: we are
pulling out and commencing airstrikes. Give us targets or get below.
Shade: Uh... copy that, HQ, I'm plotting the targets for you now.
Red: Shade, what are you doing?
Shade: Devilish, this may sound like suicide, but... get that garg to the gate there.
Red: ...okay.
Shade: You're gonna do it?
Red: Well, it's either that, or let ALL of us die. May as well give us a fighting chance.
[Red positions himself]
Red: Ready! ...NOW!
Radio: Copy that.
[a marine airstrike bombs the garg, killing it]
Red: I'm alive! YAY!
Shade: Good. HQ, could you bomb that wall, and that door for us, too?
Radio: Copy that.
[BOOM! BOOM!]
Shade: Thanks, that'll be all. Over and out.
[they go into the newly opened passage]
Chapter 12: "Don't Forget Me!"
Shade: *sigh* Congrats, guys. We managed to get through the longest, hardest chapter ever.
[the other two cheer]
Red: Now, what about this chapter?
Shade: Oh, this? After last chapter, this one's a pushover. No more exposing ourselves outside; we're sticking undergound for the whole chapter.
[they get a move on]
Shade: .....the ceiling's crashing on us! Hop to the left!
[they do, and manage to survive]
[a radio, they find]
Radio: All ground units, report in! Forget about Shade! We have bigger problems on our hands now!
I repeat: FORGET ABOUT SHADE!
Shade: Well, that's a relief.
Red: What do we do now?
Shade: Swim. Swim for a long time.
Red: That's it?
Shade: Swim, then fight aliens, and enter the next chapter. This chapter is seriously a pushover.
[they swim for a while, kill some aliens, and are let into a small, underground facility]
Chapter 13: Lambda Corps
Sci: I apologize, Mr. Shade, but I couldn't risk opening that
door until I was sure you'd scoured the area. This is the last entrance
to the Lambda complex. Every other has been sealed off to contain the
invasion. When we realized that you might actually make it here, we
drew straws to see who should stay behind to let you through.
Obviously, I drew the short one. My colleagues are waiting at the tip
of the Lambda reactor. Waiting for you, I mean. The reactor is shut
down right now, but you can activate it on your way up. You'll have to
flood the core anyway to get into the teleportation labs. You're not
authorized to know about those, but I can see you already know a great
deal more than any one chao is supposed to.
Shade: Thanks, I'll get a move on.
[they go]
Dark: So, Shade... where are we now?
Shade: Our destination, Dark. The Lambda Core.
Dark: You mean... this is the final chapter!?
Shade: Not at all. We still have around 4 left.
[they find a scientist who holds a giant gun]
Sci: Oh, hello. This is the Gluon Gun, the most powerful weapon ever made. But... I just can't bare to shoot anything. Judging by your appearance, I'd say you're more ready for it than I'll ever be.
Shade: Exactly. *equips* Guys, this is the Gluon Gun. In the words of Gordon Freeman, it deassembles the molecular structure of ANYTHING you shoot.
Red: So... insta-kill?
Shade: Usually. Let's get going.
[they find a junction]
Shade: This is a VERY important part, guys. So, I'll trust you with this Gluon Gun until we regroup back here.
Red: So... you go that way, we go this way?
Shade: Yup. You'll keep going until you reach this big room with a big switch. Pull the switch, and come back here.
Dark: Big switch, we're on it.
[they do all that, and regroup]
Shade: Gimme back my gun. *snatches* Now, come on! It's time for a really complicated part.
[they find a giant machine with nine entrances]
Shade: Judging by where we enter this thing, we will warp to a different place. Dark, test out entry #1.
[Dark does, and comes back with a headcrab on his head, which Shade smacks with a crowbar]
Dark: Thank you.
Shade: The correct order is 2, 4, then 7.
[they do all that, and warp to a secret lab]
Scientist 4: Shade, you've finally found us.
Guard: So this is the guy. We thought you'd never make it.
Scientist 4: This is the supply depot for our first survey team. Quite
a few handsome specimens were collected from the borderworld and
brought back this way. Uh... before the survey members started being
collected themselves, that is. We suspect there is an immense portal
over there, created by the intense concentration of a single powerful
being. You will know it when you see it. I hate to say this Shade, but
you must kill it.
Guard: Yeah, you'd better kill it.
Scientist 4: Of course, you owe us nothing, Mr. Shade. But you've
come this far. You know as much about these creatures as anyone.
Guard: Enough to know that if you don't wipe it out, there won't be
much for you to come home to.
Scientist 4: Yes, so if you're willing, my colleague is waiting for
you at the main portal controls. He will open the gates for you, Mr.
Shade. Do hurry.
Guard: Don't forget to gear up, and I'll cover you while you're
waiting for that portal to warm up.
[a scientist hands Shade a little jetpack thing]
Scientist 4: This, Mr. Shade, is a long jump module, created
expressly for navigation in the world beyond. I certainly hope you
received long jump training because once you're in Xen, you will need
it. I would advise you to practice before crossing over.
Shade: Sweet. Guys, you heard Barney; grab all the guns you want.
Both: WOO-HOOO!!!
[they grab tons of weapons]
Shade: You guys ready? 'Cause once we enter the portal to Xen, we can't come back until we've beaten the Nihilanth.
Dark: .....I'm ready.
Red: Always ready, Shade. I was ready when I distracted that garg, I'm ready now.
Shade: ..Good. Let's go.
[they enter a large room with a giant teleport]
Sci: Good, you're here. I have the portal ready for you. Hop in!
Shade: Okay, that was NOT meant to happen, but what the hey. Let's go!
[they hop in]
Chapter 14: Xen- Not a Friendly Place
[the portal takes them to a very strange planet, with alien spires rising to the top, and primitive creatures still roaming the terrain; islands float amongst the stars, as do manta ray-like creatures]
Dark: Whoa. Freaky.
Red: It's all..... alieny.
Shade: The good news is this chapter is ridiculously short. Come on!
[they hop along the floating islands until they reach a giant one]
Shade: Down here, into the crawlspace leading inside the island.
[they are now inside the weird island]
Shade: Readers, be glad this is all text. It's... not entirely pretty in here. Artistic, yes, but not pretty.
[Shade does all this weird puzzle stuff, and a portal opens]
Shade: That's it. That's the chapter.
Dark: ...pfft! Whoa, when you said it was ridiculously short, I didn't think you were serious.
Red: C'mon, let's go! The sooner we're done with this, the better!
Shade: Boss battle comin' up, guys. Now, let's go.
[they hop through the portal]
Chapter 15: The Gonarch
[they warp into a large alien field, all is quiet, an alien cave is nearby]
Red: Boss battle? ...I see your point. This just screams "YO, UGLY! I'M GONNA BASH YOUR SKULL IN TWO!"
[thunderous trots are heard approaching from the cave, as well as a low, yet high-pitched screech]
Dark: Shade, what is that?
Shade: It's a gonarch, or what they say in Sven Co-op, "Big Momma." Basically, a mother headcrab.
[it steps out of the cave, and reveals that it's a large, brown headcrab with an egg sac]
Shade: Shoot it! *budda-budda-budda*
Red: RAAAAAAAAAWR! *BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!*
Dark: This is SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! *SHAKOOOOOO! SHAKOOOOO!! SHAKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!*
Shade: Dark, what weapon are you using!?
Dark: I DON'T KNOW!
[the gonarch runs into the cave]
Shade: AFTER IT!
[they chase it until they reach another open field, and shoot it some more]
Red: This thing... *budda budda budda* ...just doesn't... *budda budda budda* ...die, does it?
Shade: Just keep shooting it!
[it runs into another cave, they follow it until they all fall into a hole]
Shade: Shoot it a little more!
[eventually, it blows up, revealing a portal]
Shade: Well, that's THAT chapter done.
Red: Short chapters, aren't they?
Shade: Surface Tension was the longest, I told you. C'mon, we're nearly done!
[they hop through the portal]
Chapter 16: Insurmountable
[the portal takes them to a giant island with spires rising to the heavens, and parts of the ground opening up]
Red: Eh, once again, it's artistic, just not... pretty.
Shade: This part's a little hard. We need to use those holes in the ground to boost ourselves up to one of those floating platforms, and allow one to take us to THAT portal, there.
Dark: Hey, Shade. Can I use your jetpack?
Shade: It's not a jetpack; it's a long jump--
Dark: Thanks!
[Dark takes the long jump module, and jumps off the edge with it]
Both: DARK!!
Dark: Yikes!
Shade: Oh, right-- portal gun.
[Shade manages to save Dark with the Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device]
Dark: Thanks...
Shade: Don't ever do that again.
[they take the hole in the ground to the platform and get to the portal]
[they warp to another large island]
Shade: OH, CRAP, LOOK OUT!
[Shade dives the other two out of the way from a tentacle monster (like in the earlier chapter)]
Red: Aw, no... not this guy again.
Shade: I'll use my portal gun, relax.
[they get past it, and enter some caves]
[STOMP! STOMP! STOMP! deep growl, fire, earthquake]
Red: Shi--
[a giant garg crashes into the cave]
Dark: How many of these things ARE there!?
Shade: This is the last one. Gimme an RPG.
[Shade uses lots of rockets to kill it, and they find a portal]
Red: If the tentacle and garg are simple bosses, I'd hate to see the FINAL boss.
Shade: Trust me, he's deadly. And we're close.
[SUDDENLY, two tentacles attack them]
Shade: Last obstacle before the next portal.
[they use the portal gun to get across to the portal]
[they enter the portal, and come out at an underground section of Xen]
Red: Hmm...
[the underground section is artificially carved, and has lots of barrels on alien conveyer belts]
Red: Where are we?
Shade: Alien soldier factory. Last challenge before we fight the big guy.
[they explore a little and find a squadron of aliens]
Shade: Get your best weapon out, folks. *equips Gluon Gun* This is gonna be fun.
[they charge through, shooting everything in sight until they reach the next floor, where they go through platforming puzzles]
Dark: Nice transition between action and platforming.
Red: You don't even know what we're talking about, do you?
Dark: ...hospitals?
[they find a vent, run through, get out, shoot more enemies, and ride an elevator up to a portal]
[the portal takes them to a room with a large, red portal in it]
Shade: Get ready. Equip an RPG.
[they take deep breaths, and hop into the portal]
Chapter 17: Nihellanth-- wait, what?
?: Shaaaaaaaaaade......
[in front of the chao is a giant, baby-like creature with a third arm and a humongus head; it is floating in mid-air, and yellow]
Red: Ooh, not a nice sight.
Shade: OPEN FIRE!
[BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! KABLAM! KABLOWIE!]
[the Nihilanth fires a portal at them, which warps them to a small room]
Dark: Huh?
Shade: The Nihilanth can warp you to places. Just get back into that portal, okay?
[they enter another portal, reentering the battle]
Shade: One last thing-- those orange orbs floating around his head? They heal him. We need to target these three pyramid things that create the orbs!
[BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! the pyramids blow up]
Shade: Now, according to my research, we must be hit by his portal attack three times. We've already been hit once, so--\
[WARP! warp back, WARP! warp back]
Shade: Next, we get onto that balcony up there.
[JUMP!]
Shade: And enter his brain.
[JUMP!]
Dark: Freaky brain. It's a freaking pyramid!
Red: Freaky GAME.
Shade: Open fire on his brain!
MM: Oh, no you don't!
[the MILKMAN appears, removes the Nihilanth's brain, and disappears]
MM: Remember, he's alive, he just can't die by conventional means now.
Shade: DAMNIT! They keep changing the game!
Red: It's hopeless... we'll never beat him now!
Dark: Not quite.
Shade: Huh?
Dark: I heard the red robot guy say the "Nilunt" can't die by CONVENTIONAL means. Doesn't that mean we can kill him by some other way?
Red: Hey, yeah! But... what could be strong enough to kill the bridge between Xen and Earth?
Dark: Follow my lead.
[Dark grabs an acoustic guitar, and starts playing]
[Red decides to play the flute]

Dark: There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway...... to heaven....
When she gets there she knows if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.

Ooh ooh ooh...ooh...ooh ooh ooh,
And she's buying a stairway...... to heaven....

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In the tree by the brook there's a songbird who sings,
"Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven."
[Dark plays heavier]
Dark: Oooh...It makes me wonder.
Oooh...It makes me wonder.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees
And the voices of those who stand looking.

Oooh...It makes me wonder.
Oooh...And it makes me wonder.

And it's whispered that soon, if we all called the tune,
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long,
And the forest will echo with laughter.

Woe woe woe woe woe oh
[Shade plays the drums]
Dark: If there's a bustle in your hedgerow,
Don't be alarmed now.
It's just a spring clean for the May Queen.
Yes there are two paths you can go by,
but in the long run,
There's still time to change the road you're on.

And it makes me wonder...ohhh ooh woe.

Your head is humming and it won't go -- in case you don´t know,
The piper's calling you to join him.
Dear lady can you hear the wind blow and did you know,
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.

[Dark plays an electric guitar solo]

Dark: (shouting) And as we wind on down the road,
Our shadows' taller than our souls!
There walks a lady we all know,
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold!
And if you listen very hard,
The tune will come to you at last!
When all are one and one is all, yeah!
To be a rock and not to rollllllllllllllllllllll......................!
Ooooooooooooh......

[small solo, they stop]

Dark: And she's buying a stairway...... to heaven.......
[the song ends; the Nihilanth explodes]

Shade: Dark, you did it! ALL RIGHT! *high-five*
Dark: Just 'cause I don't sing Genesis doesn't mean I can't sing, does it?
Red: Dark, bud, I never doubted you for a second!
Dark: Yeah, yeah.
[a yellow chaos drive appears just as the Nihilanth explodes; Shade grabs it]
[they warp to a strange place, Echo (G-Man) is standing in front of them]
Echo: Shade, in the flesh. Or rather, in the hazard suit. I
took the liberty of relieving you of your weapons. Most of them were
government property. As for the suit, I think you've earned it. The
borderworld, Xen, is in our control, for the time being, thanks to you.
Quite a nasty piece of work you managed over there. I am impressed.

That's why I'm here, Mr. Shade. I have recommended your services to
my eh-eh-eh-eh-employers and they have authorized me to offer you a
job. They agree with me that you have limitlesssss potential.

[the scene shifts to a train very similar to the Black Mesa train that
Shade came to work in]
Echo: You've proved yourself a decisive man, so I don't expect you'll have
any trouble deciding what to do. If you're interested, just step into
the portal and I will take that as a yes. Otherwise, hm, well, I can
offer you a battle you have no chance of winning. Rather an anticlimax
after what you've just survived. Time to choose.
[the door opens, and a portal is out the door]
Shade: Well, guys? Battle we have no chance at winning, or work for Echo's "employers?"
Red: How does it go in the game?
Shade: You get a choice. The REAL ending is the portal. If we wait long enough, he'll take it as a "no."
Dark: Beta Avengers? Or....against them? I say we wait.
Echo: It's time to choose.
Shade: *sigh* I just hope they edited the ending, as well. I choose not, Echo.
Echo: Well, it looks like we won't be working together. No regrets, Mr. Shade.
[the screen flashes green as Shade, Dark, and Red are teleported somewhere unknown...]
TO BE CONTINUED...

DJaytendo DS number 1

Hey, and welcome to the newest act of my boredom! For those of you who are faithful DCA fans, but don't comment, instead just read all this stuff, you will probably read this first.

While waiting for someone to say something so I can release the epic episode 42, I came up with the wild idea to disclose a ton of info of random things!

I call this... the "DJaytendo DS!" The DS stands for "Developer's Secrets." Ready? Let's get started.

(NOTE: In DJDS, when I refer to an episode, I'll say something like 601 [example]. The 6 refers to SEASON 6, and the 01 refers to the first episode of season 6, so 601 means 41)

There was a strange amount of Half-Life references in 601, weren't there? A STRANGE amount. I wasn't really expecting to put so many in.

The weird quote JOE said on the phone? With the improper grammar? That's a reference to the ending to the Famicom game MOTHER, where Ninten's father is never seen, but is always heard on the phone. Right at the ending, a man in a beige coat and hat is seen talking on the phone, saying what JOE said.

The MILKMAN's secret (the REAL point to Season 6) has to do with that mysterious paper he was reading in 303. It is also the basis behind the Beta Avengers, and is the source of their strength. Without it, they would just be "The Milkman and Friends." Their secret is also my own, and brings up some important questions. It is one of the many mysteries to my show, and one that I have said the answer to before. .......what the hell am I saying? I've never said it before! I don't even know what it is; I just make this stuff up as I go along.

DCA's slogan, "Living life.... one step at a time!" refers to the fact that every single character has at least one problem that makes them unable to courageously live without said problem messing them up dearly.
For instance, Shade is very impressionable, and catches onto things rather quickly. He can survive very nicely, until his naive personality and stubborn nature force him to rethink his strategies.
Dark is...... well, we all know what Dark is. He's one of those people who can barely even survive.

Now, Metal Sonic is a rather complicated character. Or, rather, MY version of Metal Sonic. The OFFICIAL Metal is a robot. Just that. ...with a severe ability to think. But, the one I made is a tough, smart robot. He has been in repression for a while, so has had time to think about his priorities. It'll all be explained, trust me. Metal's past, his weaknesses, just trust me.

*sigh* Making DCA is not hard work, you know? To some it may be, but not to me. In fact, I'd prefer if I got paid for it. "Make chapter 1, make chapter 2, make chapter 3, make chapter 4, finish up." That's the schedule.

If you thought that I was running out of humor, or something, then 602 will blow your freaking MIND away.

Time to talk DCA08! Whatever happened to it? Oh, it still exists. It's Bonus Series 02. Professor Shade-on is Bonus 01. Anyway, one of these days, I'll finish up their adventure in Chao Talk. Because Shade Junior, too, is hiding a secret. Sheesh, it's all about secrets with me, isn't it? Shade Junior's secret is a tad harder to figure out, though. Or easier. I can't tell. It has to do with the Nomble.

DCA's slogan also has to do with the fact that most of the cast are idiots. There, I said it.

I NEED COMMENTS! RAWR! I HUNGER! I THINK YOU HUNGER FOR MOAR DCA! AND YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED!

If DCA had a soundtrack, it would be a mixture between the Paper Mario music, the Sonic Rush music, and the Kirby music. Its theme song would be a mix between those three, the Dark Garden theme, and the Invader Zim theme.

If I had to choose between DCA being a TV series, and a radio show.... I'd say radio show. Before you go "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!," I have to say that radio shows leave a LOT more for the imagination. Plus, if it were a TV series, there would be too many copyright stuff, and camera angle crap, and animation costs, and I doubt any GOOD TV channels will take it.

If DCAWG were finished.... I doubt it would be very good. That's right. You heard it from ME first, NOT whoever would review it.

On the topic of DCAWG, I recently played the demo again, and I realized........ I really went outta my way to make some top-quality scenes there.

Once more, DCAWG-related: If I were to finish it, I'd make it much smaller than I had originally planned. Maybe five missions per side.

More DCAWG stuff: **** "DCA: A Shrewd Frontage" being the 'real' name; I'm going back to "DCA: War of the Gardens."

Something funny: Y'know that Bioware game, "Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood?" Y'know that new character? Her name? "Shade." WTF? Coincidence?

HEY, FANS! You wanna make yourselves useful? MAKE A FAN EPISODE! If it's good, I'll praise you! If it's GREAT, I'll remake it into a bonus eppy! If it's AMAZING, I'll put it in (not remade, ORIGINAL) as a new eppy! Yes, I will give credit. Of course.

Now, whaddya say we turn on the radio? *zzzzrrt* Oh, nothing's on.


*sigh* Fine, I will disclose something about 602. Here is ONE RANDOM QUOTE from ONE RANDOM CHAPTER.

Shade: Think Mission Impossible, Dark, mixed with a little James Bond, and a couple pounds of Half-Life tossed in.




Until next time, everybody!

*Yawn* ....news, I suppose....

God, I hate school. Don't you? It's robbing those poor minds of some hot-damn good DCA.

Episode 42 will come when I hear from more people. I canNOT disclose any more information about it, only that you will MOST DEFINITELY like it. Hell, you'll love it. It's funny. That's a given. I can also say that it will surprise the life outta you. Not the story, just.... the episode. Trust me, when I said Season 6 would be big, I didn't think I'd be serious.

That's all. When more people read, and get caught up in Chapter 1 of Professor Shade-on, and in Episode 41, then I will post 42. Okay, you just need to get caught up in 41. Professor Shade-on is a bonus story, so it's optional.

Boy, will you guys hate me for keeping this episode a secret from you... it is so freaking awesome. All right, I'll cheat a little and tell you one more bit of info:

It stars Shade, Dark, and Red. Shade will act braver, and more heroic than normal. Dark will act like he always does (dumb), but will comprehend things a tiny bit more, and be loyal to Shade. Red will actually get smarter, as well as braver.

...also, Shade gets crazier. Ooh! The plot thickens!

What you have been waiting for.

Thank you for purchasing "DCA6 Premiere." Before the feature presentation starts, there is one Dark Chao Short for you.

"Night of the Release"
"Part 2: 8 o' clock"
[you come back to Shady Cross Paths at 7:59 PM, and go to the end of the long line of campers]
[you have a lot of anxiety]
[tick]
[tock]
[DING! 8 o' clock]
[the crowd charges in, and they all rush out carrying DVDs]
[you slowly step in, hear the bell ring as you open the door, and feel the air conditioner blowing]
Shade: Hey, it's you! Heh... you got here juuust in time, buddy. The new episode of DCA has been released. There's one DVD left.
You: Must be a good episode if so many people want it.
Shade: Well, DJay says it's episode 41, or the Season 6 premiere.
You: !!! No way! Season 6!? You mean...
Shade: The Gray Journey, that's right.
You: I'll take that DVD! NOW!
Shade: Wise choice.
[you pay for the DVD]
Shade: Have you heard of the next 'un? Episode 42?
You: Uh...... no. DJay has vowed to not disclose any information about Season 6--
Shade: --except during certain public events, and/or to specific contest winners.
You: Oh. Really?
Shade: Yeah. However, that's very rare.
You: I see. So... do YOU know about number 42?
Shade: Do I? Dude, I was the star of the episode; of COURSE I know about it. I know all of my lines, the whole plot, the setting, EVERYTHING!
You: Really?
Shade: No. DJay hasn't made 42 yet. But, he's currently working on it. That's what I hear, anyway.
You: Cool. So, what's featured on this DVD? Just episode 41?
Shade: Yeah. Not much of a DVD. Episode 41's probably the only one that's normal. Just to fill you in on what happened last, and what Shade must do. So we don't go through those BORING explanations later, during the action.
You: Sounds...... unexciting.
[Shade slaps you]
Shade: You kiddin'? This is DJay we're talking about here! He usually makes ANY boring situations funny! Usually!
[you smile]
Shade: Now, I think you have a DVD to watch. Go, run along now.
You: Thank you!
[you rush out the door and to your house, where you insert the DVD into the player, and play the episode]
[while you watch it, your smile slowly gets bigger and bigger]
A message from DJay: Please enjoy Season 6. Just 'cause it's epic doesn't mean it'll be TOO big. Sure, 7 out of the 8 episodes will be larger than normal, and heavily based on video games, but that doesn't mean it'll go on forever. I'm only human. STILL-- show your support, and I'll be encouraged to make more and more, bigger and better episodes! SHOW YOUR LOVE! LOVE DCA!


Now, for the feature presentation.

LAST TIME, ON DCA:

GLaDOS: I'm the only thing standing between us... and THEM.
Shade: Tagliare?
Tag: I'm a Beta Avenger.
Shade: 'Cause this is Thriller, Thriller night!
Sign: "HA HA HA! This bomb will explode in two minutes unless you blow it up first with dynamite! Because the dynamite will make a much less explosion."
Shade: Um... guys? You may want to run as far away from here as possible.
Dark: Why?
Shade: Just trust me.
[they all run seperate ways, as well as the Heroes, who recieved a bomb, too]
[fade out, followed by a two loud explosions, and Echo's and Tagilare's laughter]


["DCA6" appears on screen in typewriter writing]

Dark Chao Adventures Episode 41: Important Understandings

[our story resumes somewhere in the middle of Station Square, the chao are gathered in a subway station]
Chapter 1: Recap is a Gross Misspelling of the Word "Boom"
Dark: *sob* I'll miss you, Shade!
[Dark leans on Shade, who pushes him off]
Shade: Calm down! We're not going YET, dummy!
Dark: Oh.
Chao: Shade... are you sure you know what you're doing?
Shade: Trust me on this one, Chao... 'cause if I make ONE miscalculation here.... we might end up falling into more than just a trap.
Red: So, can we go over this plan one more time?
Shade: All right.
[Shade pulls out a map of the gardens, which includes the Lobby and CPAK]
Shade: We know that Echo and Tagliare pretty much bombed our gardens, right?
Chao: Yeah.
Shade: And as soon as we ran, none of us looked back, right?
SShade: Right.
Shade: Well, I did. And I noticed... CPAK seemed perfectly normal.
Hero: ...oh, Hero Chaos, no... Shade, are you going where I think you're going?
Shade: Not I, Hero.... WE.
Hero: Now, when you say "WE..."
Shade: I mean you, me, Chao, and Phantom.
Ph: Hey, Shade... why the random character roster?
Dark: Yeah, I mean, this isn't the original Smash Bros.
Tail: Burn!
Shade: Well, I picked Hero 'cause he's cool; Chao 'cause he's my rival; Phantom for the same reason as Hero; and me 'cause..... I'm ME!
Ph: All right, nice choice, dude. But... what, exactly, is it that we're doing?
Shade: Simple. We're heading back to the Chao Pre-School and Kindergarten, that's what!
Ph: Aw, crap.
Pf: Shade, you can't! It's too dangerous!
Shade: Okay, okay, okay-- give me ONE good reason why it's dangerous. For one thing, it's the GARDENS that blew up, NOT the lobby, remember?
[Purf shuts up]
Shade: Seriously, guys... I think we can do this.
Qu: One question, Shade.
Shade: Shoot.
Qu: WHY ARE WE IN A SUBWAY STATION!?
Shade: Well, Quartz, I checked the Chao World Exit thingy, and it's broken.
Dark: Broke like you.
Qu: ....that was uncalled for.
Shade: So, I put my BRILLIANT mind to work again. "What other ways are there into the gardens?"
Hero: But... we don't know any!
Shade: That is true. BUT, I have another question: "How do we get to the Stardust Eggman?"
[a few chao attempt to speak, think a little more, then close their mouths]
Shade: If you'll think back to episode 6.... Zim teleported us. With some kind of watch thing.
Aqua: ...ah, so THAT'S why we're in the Subway Station...
Shade: Right. Simply put, we need to get to Zim, but Zim lives far away. The subway's fastest way to get around.
Dark: Fast like yo mama.
Shade: ...right, well, any questions? .....I thought not. Let's go!
[they board the subway, but as they board, the camera pans to show a mysterious man in a beige coat and hat talking on the phone]
Man: I know that boy is home. Come on son and answer the phone. Something new has come up and...
[the man notices that the train leaves]
Man: ...Echo, they've left. I repeat... they have left on the train, and I think they're going to Zim's. I made them think I was just the ending to MOTHER, but I fooled them.
[the man takes off his beige hat, revealing two giant, blue, robotic ears (taller than Metal Sonic's)]
Echo (on phone): Nice job, JOE.
[JOE and Echo laugh maniacally]
Chapter 2: One Plan Ruined, One Plan Succeeded
[cut to the subway, the chao are casually sitting down while the other passengers stare at them oddly]
K: What? .....WHAT? You jerks act like you've never seen a chao before!
Passenger: Dude, chao don't ride the subway.
K: Well, at THESE prices, I'm not surprised. Heh heh...
Passenger: ...the subway's free. You guys don't know squat, and you're all know-it-alls.
Tail: Hang-hang-HANG on a moment. We don't know squat.... yet we're know-it-alls.
Passenger: Y...yeah.
Dark: Excuse me, but... are you constipated, sir?
Passenger: What? No, of course not!
Dark: Well, you sure are full of shi--
[the lights turn off, and the train stops, making some chao fall over]
[when the lights turn on, the train is empty, and moves at twice its normal speed]
Honey: What the? Where did everyone go?
K: Yeah, and that constipated guy!
[the train slowly gets faster and faster and faster and faster until it goes faster than ____ itself]
Shade: Wait, did that thing just skip the word ____?
[Shade notices ____ has paused since the train is going so fast]
Shade: What the heck is going on!? The word "____" has disappeared!
[he looks around]
Shade: In fact, it has also paused! WHY CAN'T I SAY--
[everything REALLY pauses]
[seconds pass, the camera slowly drifts backwards in ____ to show Echo putting on a blue suit and red tie]
Echo: Okay, lemme try this... *a-hem* (creepily) You're not... supposed *krrk* to beeeee heeerrrrre.....
[a blurry figure walks on-screen]
MM: Nice job.
Echo: Millllllkmannnnnn....
MM: That's right. It's ME. Come on, say the next part.
Echo: In the flesh. Or rather, in the hazard suit. I
took the liberty of relieving you of your weapons. Most of them were
government property. As for the suit, I think you've earned it. The
borderworld, Xen, is in our control, for the time being, thanks to you.
Quite a nasty piece of work you managed over there. I am impressed.
MM: Ha... excellent work. *looks at camera* It would appear our plan is working.
Echo: Yessss.... *a-hem* (normal) This suit truly DOES have creepy powers.
MM: Remember, you control ____ as the readers and chao know it, so I'd recommend sticking to what's SUPPOSED to happen.
Echo: Right, I'll shift ____ back to the present so the readers can see what happens next.
[the camera slowly drifts forwards in ____ to show Shade shouting]
Shade: WHY CAN'T I SAY--
[everything REALLY pauses]
[seconds pass]
[Shade's surroundings drift away, leaving just him]
Echo: (creepily) Time?
[Shade looks around and sees a man in a business suit walk into the abyss in front of him]
Echo: Shade? Is it really that time again? It seems as if you only
just arrived. You have done a great deal in a small timespan. You have done
so well that I have received some interesting offers for your services.
Ordinarily I would not contemplate them, but these are extraordinary times.
Rather than offer you the illusion of free choice, I will take the liberty of
choosing for you. If and when the time comes again.
I do apologize for what must seem to you an arbitrary imposition,
Shade, I trust it will all make sense in the course of.. well.. I am
really not at liberty to say.
[a white light shaped as a doorway appears]
Echo: In the meantime, this is where I get off.
[he walks through the doorway, and it closes]
(NOTE: If you wish to hear that entire speech as it was [truly awesome], either beat Half-Life 2 or follow this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RaFVCtidfNM )
[hours pass, and Shade eventually wakes up]
Chapter 3: The Gray Journey
[cut to Shade's POV (think FPS), everything's blurry (note: this is not a Valve game, I'm just doing this for suspense)]
Shade: Ugh...
[the surroundings appear neon and pretty, but Shade just can't quite grasp their appearance]
[suddenly, Shade properly wakes up and notices he's in Casinopolis]
Shade: Ugh... jeez, what a dream.
[Shade gets up, shakes his head, and looks around]
Shade: Oh, I get it. We went to a casino, and I got drunk and fell over. OBVIOUSLY.
[Shade walks around a little before realizing--]
Shade: ...CHAO CAN'T GET DRUNK!
?: *sigh* Sheesh, I have to tell you EVERYTHING, don't I?
Shade: What the!?
[the MILKMAN enters]
MM: Shade, can't you ever just figure these things out on your own?
Shade: No.
MM: Listen up. This is Episode 41, right?
Shade: Yeah.
MM: Season 6?
Shade: Right.
MM: So, the first episode of the Gray Journey?
Shade: I'm pretty sure.
MM: Good. Well, as I said WAY back in Season 3, I hold a secret. A BIG secret. And I've told you it.
Shade: ...ah, yes, I remember now.
MM: Good, good, you remember. BUT, the readers DON'T know the secret. So, on the Season Finale, I will tell Dark, all while the readers are listening.
Shade: Wouldn't that be "reading?"
MM: Whatever. Episode 48 takes place in another dimension, all right? A completely different dimension.
Shade: How do I get there?
MM: Teleport. Well, that plus the power of the seven yellow chaos drives.
Shade: Yellow.... swim chaos drives?
MM: That's right. If you'll remember Season 4 finale, you became a swim chao temporarily, just to take us down. Yet it didn't work.
Shade: I remember. And Shade 2 somehow talked to me?
MM: Uh... he did? Hmm... that's odd. --never mind, I'll look into it later. Anyway, that's just a taste of what the seven chaos drives will give you.
Shade: So... this whole season is just a plot device? One BIG plot device?
MM: Hey, isn't that what EVERY season is?
Shade: Good point. So, I need a teleporter.
MM: That's right.
Shade: And seven chaos drives.
MM: On the dot.
Shade: Where do I get them?
MM: The chaos drives... I can help you with that. Here's one... *digs in pocket* ....somewhere....
[the MILKMAN takes a glowing, yellow stick out of his pocket, and gives it to Shade, who dances and spins around]
Shade: Why did I do that?
MM: Ask Sonic Team, not me. As for the other drives.... good luck.
Shade: WAIT! Before you go... what about the teleporter?
MM: *evil grin* Oh, you'd like to know where that is, wouldn't you?
Shade: Um... yes, I would.
MM: I knew you would. Listen to me, check the Casinopolis subway station. Look for a broken-down old train, enter it, and press the big, red button that says "DO NOT PUSH."
Shade: Wait... it says I shouldn't push it!?
MM: Relax, that's just so people won't push it.
Shade: Now, what about my friends?
MM: Your.....friends? ...ah, yes. They.... are fine.
Chapter 4: The Prologue's Over, the Season Now Begins
MM: When Echo donned his G-Man suit, and transferred you here, he also transferred your friends to different locations.
Shade: Aw, great.
MM: Relax, Shade. They are near key plot devices, so when you find a chao, you'll know you're getting somewhere.
Shade: Now, why would it be like that?
MM: It's a cliche.
Shade: Oh. Finally, what's with Echo's G-Man costume?
MM: That costume allows him to.......with a great big bang and a...... dooty-doot....... .. . . . ......................
[a few hours later]
MM: ........ . .. .. . .....Ben Stiller haicut. Were you listening?
Shade: Yes, I was. I see, so the readers always see that Paper Mario "falling asleep" thing whenever you want them to?
MM: Correct. Just so I secretly tell YOU something, but not them. They MIGHT learn this stuff later.
Shade: So, in non-spoiler terms, I need to find Echo.
MM: That's right. I shall go now.
[the MILKMAN disappears]
Shade: Little does he know, when I find Echo, I'll KILL him for bombing my garden! Same with you, Tagliare...
[Shade laughs maniacally]
[cut to the dark-blue room; Shade laughing is on a monitor; MILKMAN and JOE are watching it]
JOE: You told the secret to HIM?
[the MILKMAN has a face-palm, and sighs]
MM: Yes, he's an idiot, I'm afraid... but he's also the star of the season. What choice did I have?
[camera zoom-in on the monitor]
Shade: So, what was that about a train?
[cut to the subway, Shade enters the broken-down train, and presses the "DO NOT PRESS" button]
[RUMBLE]
[the train moves at a nice speed]
Shade: ....
[minutes pass]
Shade: ........it's amazing how BORING things get when you're alone. Why don't I have my portal gun? That would've made things cooler.
[seconds pass, Shade thinks a bit]
Shade: Hang on... I NEVER LOST MY PORTAL GUN!
[Shade pulls out his Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device (Portal gun), and snaps it on to his right arm]
Shade: Sweet, I'm Samus!
[Shade poses, while aiming his portal gun around and humming random Metroid songs]
Shade: Heh... p'choo, p'choo! ...gotcha.
[Shade shoots a blue portal beneath his feet]
Shade: Cool, it's like I'm standing on nothing!
(note: the portal gun had reset, and when you shoot just one portal, it's all wavely and stays there, but doesn't work)
MM: Shade, don't forget what I told you!
Shade: I know, I know, now SHUT UP!
[Shade looks out the window, and notices that he's not underground anymore]
[in fact, the train is on a rail above the train! It's one of those hanging rails]
Shade: Where the Dark Garden am I?
[he sees canyons]
Shade: Hmm... hang on, I think I remember a place that had a teleporter... and was in the canyons.
[he passes some scientists rushing to catch their trains]
Shade: It started with a B.... and was in a video game...
[he passes some top secret equipment]
Shade: The game started with an H....
[he passes a large sign that reads "Black Mesa Research Facility"]
Shade: Now, what was the game's name?
[he passes a snack machine]
Shade: *gasp* A snack machine! I'll portal gun it so it gets over here.
[he shoots the area near the snack machine]
Shade: Drat, I missed. ...oh, yeah, the game was Half---
[since he was standing on top of a portal already, Shade falls out of it]
Shade: --LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFE!!!!!
TO BE CONTINUED....

Shady Cross Paths "The Night of the Release"

[in front of you is a small building with a sign above it that reads "Shady Cross Paths"]

[there is a huge line of people waiting outside the door, with tents and camping equipment]

[you open the door, and hear a bell as you step into the air-conditioned shack]

[the clerk, a gray dark chao, is seen walking across the room, carrying a clipboard, and directing a team of dark chao]

Shade: Go, go, go! ....oh, hello, customer. Sorry, but I won't be able to help you with many things; we're preparing for 8 o' clock.
You: 8 o' clock?

Shade: That's right, 8 PM SHARP. DJay says it's GOTTA be on the dot. At least... eight eastern.

You: But... what's happening at 8?

[the darks stop, the team drops their large cardboard cutout of Shade, and the room becomes silent]

Dark: What's happening at 8? Are you NUTS!?

Red: Dude... I don't know what's happening at 8, but it has something to do with Season 6!

Shade: Actually, we DO know, but if we were to say it out loud right now, the EARTH WILL SPLIT IN HALF.

You: ...weird.

[the team of darks sets up the cardboard cutout, then proceeds to get a smaller one with shelves in it]

[they put the smaller one down, and get some DVDs from the back room]

[you pick up a DVD]

[on the front reads "For display purposes only," and has a picture of Shade on it]

You: Um... okay, I'll go now.

Shade: Come back at eight!

[you exit the shop, hear the bell ring as you open the door, and feel the heat of the sun again]

A small secret. Very small. Tiny. Yet so big.

Hey, fellas. It's me. I have big news. But the actual news itself is a secret. A small secret, so small that it can be described in 5 words. Perhaps 4. Either way, I can't tell you in any BIG way, because that would cause too much excitement. Trust me, while nobody's paying much attention right now? Wasting my hard work, that's what a BIG announcement'd be. For now, I'll keep it small for those who occasionally read this. So small you'd need to be the pro of reading in order to figure it out.

...okay, you'd just need to read this entire entry. And by "read," I mean READ. Read read, y'know? Read between the lines. In fact, I'll go on a boring rant about reading between the lines.


Speed reading is a collection of reading methods which attempt to increase rates of reading without greatly reducing comprehension or retention. Such methods include using various psychological techniques such as chunking and eliminating subvocalization. It is important to understand that no absolute distinct "normal" and "speed-reading" types of reading exist in practice, since all readers use some of the techniques used in speed reading (such as identifying words without focusing on each letter, not sounding out all words, not sub-vocalizing some phrases, or spending less time on some phrases than others, and skimming small sections). Speed reading is characterized by an analysis of trade-offs between measures of speed and comprehension, recognizing that different types of reading call for different speed and comprehension rates, and that those rates may be improved with practice. (Abela 2004)

Some businesses selling courses and manuals on speed reading claim that it is possible to increase the reading to beyond 10 words per second with full comprehension, provided the course is followed and that the exercises are constantly practiced. However, a good deal of these courses and manuals are conflicting as to why and how speed reading should be adopted as a method.
Some other businesses claim that a person can double to triple his or her current speed. So a person reading at 2 words per second (the average rate for untrained adult readers), can take a speed reading course and learn how to read at 5 to 7 words per second while maintaining, or even improving comprehension.
One point of contention between the various speed reading courses is the assertions concerning subvocalization. Some courses claim that the main obstacle to speed reading is any form of subvocalization. Other courses claim that subvocalization can be used on keywords in order to speed up learning and reading. Some proponents of speed reading claim that subvocalization can be broken down into two levels, only one of which will reduce reading speed.[citation needed]
Speed reading courses and books take a variety of approaches to the concept of reading comprehension. Some courses and books claim that good comprehension is essential to speed reading, and that comprehension will improve with speed reading. Special non-standardized reading comprehension I have officially started work on Season 6are provided in order to convince the reader of the effects of the program. Some courses advise that while comprehension is important, it should not be measured or promoted. Speed reading courses variously claim that not all information in text needs to be covered while speed reading. (Abela 2004) Some claim that speed reading involves skipping text (exactly as has been measured during studies on skimming), whereas other speed reading promoters claim that all of the text is processed, but with some or most becoming subconsciously processed. Similarly, some courses claim that text should be serially processed whereas others say that information should be processed in a more haphazard or ad hoc fashion.







So, did you find the secret? I hope you didn't. It's a good secret, though. I'd be glad if you did, but I am intending for you to not.