Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Friggin' FINALLY.

Shade: The Atlantic ocean river place, two years ago. We recieved intelligence that a new type of nuclear weapon was on a tanker (boat) going through New York, into the Atlantic ocean. The whole thing stank, but our noses had been covered in Rock Band (and Facebook) for (far) too long.

[cut to a rainy bridge at night; cars are driving across it]
DJay32 presents...
[you can see a man in a dark raincoat slowly walking across the bridge]
Another new adventure...
[the man grabs a cigarette from his mouth, and tosses it away]
in the world...
[a big boat is seen going under the bridge]
of Dark Chao.
[the man quickly starts running, and jumps off the bridge]
[he lands on the back of the top of the ship, behind some crates]
[however, his raincoat fell off as he jumped, revealing a gray Dark chao (some stilts also fell off)]
["Solid Shade (Shade)" appears on-screen]
[BEEP BEEP!] (this means that Shade is contacting somebody through the nanomachines in his ear, or his Codec)
Shade: This is Shade. Kept ya waiting, huh?
Tails: Yes, you certainly did. So,--
Shade: Wait. Is that... Steely Dan I hear? ...Bodhisattva?
Tails: ..I'm.... listening to it, yes. Anyway, did you land on the right tanker this time?
Shade: Of course I did! I don't make the same mistake three times, Otacon.
Tails: I'm Mister Prower.
Shade: Oh, yeah. Can I just call you, "Otakitsune?"
Tails: How about, "Otakit?"
Shade: Okay, Otakit. But, yeah, I landed on the right tanker. So, what's my mission, again? I forget easily.
Tails: *sigh* We recieved an anonymous tip that a new type of nuke was being transferred on that ship.
Shade: Well, I didn't see anything when I was jumping on.
Tails: That's because, according to my calculations, it should be down in the cargo holds.
Shade: Ah. So, can I just knock on the door and ask them to let me in?
Tails: What do YOU think?
Shade: ....okay. Sorry.
Tails: You should be able to get in just by walking, though.
Shade: And then what? Destroy it?
Tails: NO! That ship is being run by the Marine Corps, Shade. You can't just destroy it.
Shade: Then what SHOULD I do?
Tails: You just need to get visual confirmation of the existance of this nuclear weapon.
Shade: So, I need to take a picture of it?
Tails: Exactly.
Shade: But, wait. Everyone knows the Marine has nukes. What's so special about THIS one?
Tails: Oh, EVERYTHING'S special about this one. Just go get it.
Shade: Copy that.
[SHEEEOOSH!] (this means that the call is over)
[Shade gets up from behind the crates, and starts moving towards one of the doors into the ship]

Little does Shade know, there's more to this mission than meets the eye.
[Shade enters the boat, and hears a thud]
In fact, it would seem that nothing is what it seems. Literally. Except Shade, and Tails.
[he looks outside, and sees some people hijacking the boat]
Let me just put it this way: if you've never played this game, you're missing out. But, I'll fill you in, today on...

Season 7 (or, Season 6, part two)
Episode Fifty-four (Halfway through the season already? Aww, we were just getting started!)
The Game Maker Must Be Crazy part one:
"Metal Gear Shade 2: Sons of Libfairies"

[cut to Shade sitting in a red chair in front of the camera]
Shade: 'Sup? I'm Shade. Or, rather, *puts on bandanna* I'm Solid Shade. Let me give you the scoop.
[clip of Solid Shade infiltrating CPAK, turned into a missle silo]
Shade: 'Bout midway through my Gray Journey, the Beta Avengers turned our pre-school into a nuclear missle silo.
[clip of Shade killing some guards]
Shade: So, naturally, I went in there and got it back, with the help of my awesome radio squad.
[clip of Shade talking on the Codec to Eggman]
Shade: You'll meet them later. I also saved Tails. For now, here's me a few days ago.
[clip of Shade playing Rock Band]
Shade: You see, I was chilling with my buds when Mister Prower came up to me and said,
Tails: We've got a new mission for you, Solid Shade.
Shade: Naturally, I was curious. So, he told me,
Tails: I recieved an anonymous tip that a Tanker is going across the Atlantic. Not just any Tanker, though...
[camera pan of the tanker]
Tails: This tanker has a nuclear warhead inside.
Shade: So, I agreed to it, put on my headband, and went to the Hudson River. But, of course, it's still too fishy.
[the camera cuts back to Shade in the chair]
Shade: I mean, nukes are EVERYWHERE. Why am I being sent for just one? I'm keeping my guard up.
Director: CUT! Okay, that's a wrap. Good work, Shade.
Shade: I'm getting paid for this, right?
Director: Uh.... yeah, sure. Quartz, pay the man.
Qz: Aww.
[fade out]

[DCA: Remastered. Because you know you want original scripts, more chapters, and just plain more comedy.]

Our story resumes on the tanker as Solid Shade is sneaking around the tanker, and getting used to the controls.

...of walking.

Chapter 1: Russian Roullette
Shade: This is a big tanker. I wonder who those people who hijacked the boat are, though...
[Shade goes around a corner, and encounters an enemy soldier]
Soldier: Bah!
[Shade shoots him; he dies]
[Shade then calls Tails, BEEP BEEP!]
Tails: Yep?
Shade: They're Russians.
Tails: Russians?
Shade: Russians.
Tails: Okay. What about Russians?
Shade: They're hijacked the boat.
Tails: WHAT?! This changes everything!
Shade: Why? How does this change everything?
Tails: Shade, if these Russians take full control of the ship, they'll get the nuke!
Shade: ...and?
Tails: *sigh* Just keep going. You need to get to the control room, which should be at the top of the ship.
[Shade heads up some stairs]
[he's about to walk around a corner when..]
Tails: Careful, Shade!
Shade: I see them. Semtex (mines) on the walls.
Tails: There are lasers across the hall. Trip them, and--
Shade: --the Semtex will go off, along with the rest of the ship.
Tails: Right. The lasers are invisible to the naked eye, but you could use the USUAL method of seeing them.
Shade: ..."usual" method? WHAT usual method? ARGH! I hate it when people are vague.
[Shade shoots in all directions; one bullet hits a fire extinguisher, which causes the weird white stuff to pour out]
Shade: Oops.
[the stuff reveals lasers]
Shade: Oh, THAT "usual" method.
[a soldier heard the noise, and came to check the situation]
Soldier: AH! Intruder!
[the soldier pulls out his radio]
Soldier: There's an intruder on level--
[Shade shoots him; he dies]
Radio: *static* On level what? Level WHAT?!
Shade: ....uh... level 1.
Radio: Oh. Thanks. We'll send a squad there instantly. *radio off*
Shade: Heh. Suckers.
[Shade realizes HE'S on level 1]
Shade: .....whoops.
[the squad gets there instantly]
Soldier1: So, where's that intruder?
Shade: Um... he's in here.
Soldier2: Thanks. C'mon, let's go!
[the squad runs into the next room]
Soldier1: Hey, what's the deal? Nobody's in here!
Soldier3: Yeah! And there's only that one door.
[Shade walks in; budda budda budda; Shade walks out, covered in blood]
Shade: That takes care of THAT.
[Shade keeps going upstairs]
[eventually, he reaches the control room]
Shade: Now, where's this tanker headed?
[he looks at a computer]
Shade: Hmm... that's not right.
[he sees someone walking around out on the deck; he sneaks out to see what's going on]
Chapter 2: Viva la Revolution!
[it's a soldier talking on a radio]
Soldier: But, father, you MUST let me stay! I want to fight!
Radio: No, Shade! This mission is too much for you. You must go home.
Shade?: C'mon! I want to kill some people! I was born to kill.
Radio: "No" means "NO!" I'm sending a chopper for you. Over and out.
[Shade? tosses the radio overboard]
[a helicopter flies by; Shade? waves at it to go away; it flies away]
Shade: Nice name. It happens to be mine.
Shade?: What? Oh, Shade, it's you.
[Shade? takes off his/her cap, revealing the female Shade (also referred to as She-Shade)]
SShade: It's good to see a friendly face amidst all this craziness.
Shade: Who were you-- I mean, TO WHOM were you talking?
SShade: My father. He just happens to be the squad leader in this invasion of ours.
Shade: You mean... your father's the reason the Russians are invading this ship?
SShade: We're not invading it for the reasons you think, Shade.
Shade: Then for WHAT reason ARE you invading?
SShade: I.... I am not at liberty to say.
Shade: What do you mean? For whom are you working?
SShade: I told you; my father is in charge of this invasion.
Shade: But that's not my question. For whom are you working?
SShade: I..I..... no, I can't tell you.
Shade: Yes, you CAN! Tell me!
SShade: Enough! If you won't stop asking, I won't stop shooting!
[the screen flashes white; cut to Shade and SShade fighting with exciting music in the background]
[SShade shoots at him, then dives behind cover]
SShade: (while reloading) This invasion is not against the Marines, Shade. It is for the nuke.
Shade: What do you mean? The Russians already have TONS of nukes!
SShade: He hasn't told you, has he? That infernal teacher of yours. (finishes reloading) Ah, here we go. Eat lead!
[SShade resumes shooting]
Shade: Fine. If you don't want to tell me...
[Shade shoots the gun out of SShade's hands]
Shade: ...you don't have to. I'll just have to shoot you off the ship. No hard feelings.
[Shade shoots her; she falls off the ship]
Shade: Otakit. Tell me more about this mission.
Tails: *sigh* Fine. I suppose you deserve to know. The nuke after which you are going is not just ANY nuke...
Shade: ...no way.
Tails: Indeed. It is Metal Gear. But, not just ANY Metal Gear. The newest model: Metal Gear Eeksuu.
Shade: Metal Gear X?
Tails: Yes. Designed to swipe the floor with the other models.
Shade: So, I have to destroy it?
Tails: Not at all. You simply have to obtain photographic evidence that such a model exists.
Shade: ..I have to take pictures of it?
Tails: Precisely. This way, we can prove to the world that the Marines are making a brand new--
Tails: Um... what's that noise?
Shade: !!! Cypher.
Tails: A Cypher?
Shade: Yeah. First the Marines, then the Russians, then SShade's father, now the Army?
Tails: What is going on here? ...Shade, where is that ship headed?
Shade: Uh.. after checking, I've found that it's going to the middle of the ocean.
Tails: The middle of the.... of course. Metal Gear Eeksuu is done, and they just have to test

it. I should have known!
Shade: Wait, WHAT?
Tails: Metal Gear Eeksuu is rumoured to be an amphibious model. One much more agile that its earlier models.
Shade: *sigh* This won't end well.
Tails: Shade, according to my calculations, Metal Gear should be in the holds beneath the ship. Go now!
Shade: Copy that.
[Shade heads down to the holds]
Chapter 3: Seven Minutes
[Shade is beneath the ship, looking for the right entrance to the holds]
[he finds it, but some soldiers exit the door, and spot him]
Soldier: *gasp* Get the intruder!
[after a short fight, Shade enters the door]
[a few seconds pass; another soldier goes up to the door, and accesses his radio]
Soldier: Sir, he's gone in.
Radio: (a familiar voice) Excellent. I see that things are proceeding as planned...
Soldier: Um... sir, what, exactly, should I do now?
Radio: Wait a second. I'm right next to you.
Soldier: What are you doing down here, Lev--
[BANG! The camera shows nothing but the soldier falling to the ground, bullet through his head, as a cloaked figure locks the door]
?: That's right, Shade. You're nearly done. Heh heh heh..... ha ha ha ha ha.... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
[cut to Shade on a catwalk above a giant group of at least a hundred soldiers, watching a large screen in front of them]
Shade: Yo, Otakit. What's up with Boring Morgan Freeman Monologues TV up there?
Tails: The Marine commander is giving a speech two holds away from you. He's keeping the Marines occupied.
Shade: Ah. So, how long is this speech?
Tails: I hacked into the files, and took a look. It should take approximately seven minutes. Maybe longer, if he tells jokes.
Shade: I see. I guess I'd better get a move on.
[Shade quietly sneaks ahead, and is careful not to draw any attention to himself]
[the marines are too busy watching the screen to really care, though]
[after a while, he makes it to a vent, and crawls under the marines... and... stuff]
[he makes it through a bunch of rooms filled with the marines and whatnot]
Shade: Yo, Otakit?
Tails: Yes?
Shade: Is... DJay getting bored, or something?
Tails: I hope not, 'cause this gam--MISSION has barely even started!
[a large GROAAAAAAN is heard in the background]
["Sorry, sorry, I'll get back to typing..."]
[Shade leaves a vent, and stretches his legs for a bit]
Shade: Ugh, it's so boring with Boring Morgan Freeman Monologues TV up there! I'm gonna freaking fall asleep at this rate!
[Shade spots a projector that is displaying the speech]
Shade: Hmmm....
[cut to the marines, focusing on the TV, listening to every word of the speech]
[suddenly, the screen switches to "David Bowie, LIVE IN CONCERT!"]
[the marines start cheering]
Shade: That's MUCH better!
[instead of sneaking past the focused marines, Shade dances past the rave party]
[eventually, he's made it to the main room]
[the camera dramatically pans, showing Metal Gear Eeksuu, and the marine commander standing in front of it, giving the speech to a roomful of marines]
[Shade carefully and quietly sneaks past the marines, and is approaching a nice hiding place...]
[everyone looks at Shade]
Shade: Uh.... heh heh.....
[the marines are still staring at him]
Shade: Um...
Shade: I.. I gotta take this.
Shade: Otakit, what is it?! This had better be important!
Tails: Remember, Shade, you have to get photographic evidence of Met--
Shade: Otakit, everyone is staring at me!
Tails: Well... I was just reminding you.
[everyone's still staring at him]
Shade: Um.... sorry about that, everyone!
Chapter 4: Shade Dies in This Chapter
[someone is slowly clapping]
[everyone turns to look at the new person]
[it is a cloaked man]
Shade: Man, if we didn't already have enough of those...
[the man is up on stage, in front of Metal Gear, next to the commander]
Man: Bravo, bravo... this is one impressive military.
Commander: The best in the nation! Who are you?
Man: I am Levity Nite... and I have come to take Eeksuu back.
[a bunch of Russian soldiers drop down on SWAT-team-esque wires, and surround everyone]
[also, a chao enters the room, wearing a big Russian coat... and stuff]
[he's SShade's father]
Nite: Sham, how nice of you to come!
Shade: ......"Sham?"
[so I couldn't think of a good name, so what?]
Sham: Ah, I wouldn't miss the taking back of Eeksuu for the world! Mother Russia will rise again!
Commander: Now, who the hell are YOU?
Sham: I am Sham, leader of the Russian army, chao division! I was born in a log cabin in 1938, and abducted by you Americans during the Cold War! I was forced to fight, forced to shoot, lived to win, and bred to murder. Eventually, I escaped the American prison and returned home, only to find my parents dead.
Commander: I see. Is there a point to this sad story?
Sham: The point is, while I was in the prison, I heard tale of the American scumbags plotting to steal our technology!
[Sham points at Metal Gear]
Sham: Eeksuu is our own, original invention, and you stole it from us! So now Levity Nite and I are going to take it back!
Nite: I'm sorry to say this, Sham, but I have no intention of giving Eeksuu to Russia.
Sham: Wh..WHAT?! Are you betraying Mother Russia?
Nite: I am not loyal to that country anymore, Sham. I'm taking Metal Gear back... to the Patriots.
Commander: The La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo?!
Nite: Yes... I think you'll find the Patriots would be more than happy to have Eeksuu back.
Shade: Um! Crap! Uh... just continue on with your discussion, everyone! I gotta take this!
Shade: Otakit, what is it now?
Tails: Shade, I'm pretty sure Levity Nite is supposed to, uh... do something right about now.
Shade: What, take Eeksuu back?
Tails: No, his arm is supposed to......... ah, it doesn't matter.
Shade: Sorry about that. Carry on.
Nite: ....yes, well, um... I'm taking it back now. Okay? You can't stop me.
Sham: ............I'm sorry, what? I'm really senile...
Nite: *groan* WAKE UP, DJAY!
[WHOA, what, where, who, why, what? I'm awake! I'm awake!]
Sham: Levity, you can't do this! I'll have to stop you!
Nite: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Star Fox. ...erm, Sham.
[Levity shoots Sham; Sham dies]
[he then jumps up really high, and enters Eeksuu's cockpit]
Nite: Farewell, knuckleheads! ...everyone!
[Levity controls Metal Gear, and makes it jump through the ceiling]
[the tanker shakes and crashes, and floods with water]
[Shade tries to swim away]
[he sees everybody drowning around him, and continues desperately trying not to die]
[the surface is still so far away!]
Shade: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!!!
[the screen fades to black]


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