Thursday, August 28, 2008

Presenting... DCARetro!

Yeah, I completed it. And, yeah, I'm showing it.

DJay32 presents...

Dark Chao Adventures

A Retrospective

[cut to Shade carrying a video camera (you're seeing through the camera)]
Shade: Yeah, hello, I'm Shade, and this is the Dark Garden right here.
[yeah, he's in the Dark Garden]
Shade: Um... I'm here today to look over some of the coolest moments of my adventures.
[Dark is casually walking by; Shade runs to him]
Dark: Hey, Shade! ....what's that?
Shade: It's a video camera. I got it from EBGames. Now shut up! *a-hem* This... is Dark.
Dark: Hi.
Shade: He's my best pal in the whole, wide world, and he's super smart.
Dark: 2+2=4.
Shade: He never ceases to amaze me. We have the craziest adventures together!
Dark: Yeah. Like the time we travelled to the future?
[cut to a clip of all the chao in the future; Future Shade is shooting zombies with a shotgun]
ShadeF: Dark, don't look.
[cut back to the documentary]
Shade: Yeah. That was awesome. And the time we went to that crazy city?
[cut to a clip of Dark in Chao Talk]
Dark: Bathroom's mine!
[Dark runs into a door]
[cut back to the documentary]
Dark: My head STILL hurts from that. So, am I gonna get paid royalties for this?
[Shade cuts the tape, and starts recording in the Chao Lobby, just outside the Dark Garden]
Shade: This is-- wait. Lemme just climb these stairs, here...
[Shade runs up the stairs]
Shade: THIS is the Chao Lobby! The world hub, as you may. There's the gate labeled "Kindergarten," which I go to every day.
Dark: Except most days!
Shade: Shut up! Where'd you come from?
Dark: The Dark Garden. And I wanna help with your dolphin canary (documentary)!
Shade: No! This is MY movie! ...FINE.
Dark: That's what I thought. Hey, I'm Dark. I'm the lead guitarist in our band, "Rubber Goose."
Shade: Which we will talk about LATER. For now, let's focus on...
[Shade points the camera at the Hero Garden's gate]
Shade: ...enemy territory. Dark, would you care to introduce it?
Dark: I don't care much for introduction stuff. I prefer the action.
Shade: Just do it!
Dark: Oh! Um... the Hero Garden is, uh... a really stupid place. Our rivals, the Hero chao, live there. They smell bad.
Shade: They're goody-goodies. Uh... Dark, maybe you should show our viewers what a Hero chao looks like?
Dark: Yes, of course! Here, I drew a picture.
[Dark holds a drawing of a toaster in front of the camera, then puts it back in his pocket. ...wait]
Dark: Actual size.
Shade: I bet they killed you for getting close enough to know what they look like, right?
Dark: No, they can't hand rail (handle) my awesome, Dark chao style!
Shade: Good call.
Dark: So, we gonna show our viewers some real live footage of a Hero chao in its natural habitat? Shade: ...sure. But, we're gonna have to do some planning first.
[Shade cuts the tape, and resumes recording in the Dark Garden]
[the camera is on a tombstone, facing all the Dark chao around a map of the Hero Garden; Shade is wearing an army cap]
Shade: All right, men! This session is most important, because it's gonna be on TV, and stuff! Shadow, don't mess with the camera.
Shadow: Sorry.
Shade: Let's have a role call! Dark!
Dark: Here! (positioned next to Shade)
Shade: Shadow!
Shadow: Right here! (next to Dark)
Shade: Red!
Red: Wassup? (other side of Shade)
Shade: Other Shade!
She-Shade: Present! (opposite Shade)
Shade: Third-party chao role call, starting with Dark-Hawk!
DH: Howzit going? (next to Shadow)
Shade: Phantom!
Ph: I'm here! (next to Dark-Hawk and SShade)
Shade: Sweet, I think that's it. Wait, Buddy!
Buddy: Can't believe you forgot me. (Next to SShade and Red)
Shade: I believe that is all. Now, on to business.
All: Yeah!
Shade: First order of business--Phantom, stop waving at the camera, will ya? Anyway, we've gotta take that camera into the Hero Garden... and show our viewers what a Hero chao looks like.
Dark: And how easily they get owned!
[they cheer]
Shade: Okay, okay, okay! So, the battle plan is for Alpha Squadron to go around the east pillars... DH+Ph: Got it!
Shade: ..while Bravo and Juliet teams go west and sock it to 'em!
SShade+Buddy+Shadow: Ready!
Shade: Now, Team Super Awesome...
Red: That's me!
Shade: You will go for your rival, Aqua.
Red: All right!
Shade: The Pirate Monkeys...
Dark: That's a awesome name.
Shade: You go for Hero.
Dark: Yes!
Shade: Finally, Crazy Wicked Super Duper Monster Mash Beating Hyper Man Making Magnificent Gold Team Stronger than Chuck Norris, Master Chief, Gordon Freeman, Super Mario, the Incredible Hulk, Batman, Superman, Viewtiful Joe, 02, Marx, Hitler, Bill Gates, Niko Bellic, Carl Johnson, Tommy Vercetti, that guy from GTA2, Cliff Hanger, Captain Falcon, Shoop Da Whoop, Super Saiyan 4, the Pink Panther, all the Avatars, 50 Cent, Zapp Brannigan, Phoenix Wright, Godot, Nintendo, Mortos Der Soulstealer, Cryptosporidium whatever number, the Tails Doll, Metal Sonic, Neo Metal Sonic, Neo, Chuck Norris, Willy Wonka, the fat guy from My Name is Earl, the announcer from Super Smash Bros. Melee, all the Doctors, Mega Man, Dimentio, Samus Aran, Dark Samus, Rawk Hawk, the Egg Snowman, Meta Knight, Miracle Matter, Kirby, Captain Falcon Kirby, Travis Touchdown, Marcus Fenix, Bart Simpson, the Evil Monkey that lives in Chris' closet, Boggy Worm, Bender, O' Chunks, Rick Astley, Gutsman, Chuck Norris, and the Great Mighty Poo combined while having a power level over 9000 will be attacking their leader, Chao. Oh, wait, I messed up. I meant to say the Crazy Wicked Super Duper--
All: OKAY!
Shade: Well, you get the picture. I'll be attacking Chao.
Dark: My name's still cooler.
Shade: Let's start the assault!
[Shade stops the tape, and resumes just outside the Hero Garden stairs]
Shade: You guys ready?
All: Yep.
Shade: Okay, let's go!
[they run up the stairs, and enter the garden]
Dark: What are your commands, sir Crazy Wicked Super Duper Monster Mash Beating Hyper Man Making Magnificent Gold Team?
Shade: ...
Dark: Sir, I can't remember the WHOLE name.
Shade: I've already given you your commands. Now, CHARGE!
[Shade takes the camera and runs to Chao while the others do their commands]
Chao: Shade? What's going on?
Shade: I'm showing the world exactly how to defeat a Hero chao!
Chao: *sigh* I hope this goes better than the time we were on the news.
[cut to a clip of Shade and Chao on the Chao News; Shade is standing up]
NewsChao: Shade, we'll start with you, do you have ANYTHING you'd like to say?
Shade: Yes, I do. Attention all Chao! Lend me your ears! Stare into the center of the screen! Yes! Keep staring! MUAHAHAHHAHA! *nothing happens* ...... what happened? There was supposed to be a mind control device there!
[a crew chao whispers something to Shade]
Shade: ..... okay.....
Chao: What?
Shade: The special effects Chao had to go to the Chao Doctor.
[cut back to the documentary]
Shade: I'm sure it will, Chao! I'm sure it WILL! Nyah!
Chao: ...what?
Shade: I'm sorry.
Chao: Well, it's not the FIRST time you've been stupidly random...
[they stand there for a bit]
Chao: Or, maybe it IS. I can't remember.
Shade: ...I'm still gonna show the viewers how easily you get beat!
[Shade charges at Chao, who steps aside as Shade falls into the pool]
Shade: Oh, crap, I don't think this camera's waterproof--
[the camera shuts off]
[the recording resumes in a dark room; a poker table is visible]
?: Is this on?
?2: Yes, it's on. We're recording. ...go on!
?: Right, right.
[Metal Sonic steps into the screen]
MS: Greetings, America, and whoever else wants to watch this. I am Doctor Eggman's greatest creation, Hyper Metal Sonic.
[the Tails Doll floats into the screen]
TD: Wait. I thought Hyper Metal Sonic was when you got all the super emeralds.
[Mecha Knuckles walks in, too]
MK: And I thought it was Knuckles' final boss in Sonic 3.
MS: Watch the Sonic movie; my full name is "Hyper Metal Sonic." Now, get out of the view!
[the Tails Doll and Mecha get out of the screen]
MS: We are currently inside the giant Eggman statue in Stardust Speedway, Zone 2. We call it... the "Stardust Eggman."
MK: It sounds cool.
MS: As those who played Sonic R may know, Mecha Knuckles and the Tails Doll are referred to as...
All: "Metal Sonic's poker buddies."
MS: We took that all the way *Mecha giggles* and actually decided to play poker here, every Thursday night at 8 PM.
TD: It's always fun.
MS: Hell, a few months ago, this radio station, "Chao Chat," talked to us about getting our own show...
All: Every Thursday night at 8.
MS: It's called "Pokey Tourney '08."
MK: But don't turn on your radio!
MS: He's right. It's just... a fake thing. Plus, I doubt 200.1 FM is a real station.
TD: We've had a few others play as the fourth poker player.
MS: Yeah. First, we had this gray Tails clone called "Dark Tails," but he sucked, so we got rid of him.
MK: Plus, I think he was from Mega Man, or something.
MS: Possibly. Then, we had... uh.. who'd we have? Those stupid chao?
MK: I hate those guys.
MS: Yeah, still... currently, we're testing Zim. From the show, Invader ZIM. You know the one.
MK: He's pretty annoying, but... he's a regular poker face.
MS: Also, we have a nice name for our group. "The Poker Gang!"
MS: ...just lettin' ya know.
[cut to the Poker Gang, and Dark Tails playing poker]
MS: Got any 3s?
TD: Go fish.
MK: Got any kings?
TD: Go fish.
DT: Got any 800s?
[MS and MK stare at DT]
TD: Here ya go....
[TD gives DT an 800]
MS&MK: 800s?
DT: Yeah, they were added to Go Fish in 1999, remember?
MS: Oh yeah.... let's play poker now.
DT: Okay.
MK: I'm up for that.
TD: My butt itches.
[the camera shuts off]
[it switches back on in a Space/Time Rip somewhere. A planet made of dooky is visible in the background]
?: Hello, hello, hello.... I am your beloved... Mephiles.
[walking in front of the screen is Mephiles the Dark, from Sonic the Hedgehog; he is in his Shadow form]
Mp: I am Mephiles. I HATE THOSE CHAO! So much...
[Mephiles pulls a computer into the screen]
Mp: So... I pretty much live here. It's cool. I have a working computer and internet connection. And Gears of War for PC.
[Mephiles clicks on some stuff, and the Gears of War title screen shows up]
Mp: In case you're interested, I beat the game on the hardest difficulty. I... I pwn.
Mp: Oh, what? A clip? ...okay.
[Mephiles gets off GOW and opens Windows Media Player, and plays a clip]
[cut to the Dark Garden; the Dark chao are surrounding a patch of oil]
[all the Dark chao surround the oily water as it rises onto the ground, and morphs into... Shadow?]
MP: No, you fool! I am not Shadow! I am Mephiles. And, I have a proposition to make to you.
Dark: Um... mister Phyllis, sir? How can you MAKE a preposition? I mean... making under or over just sounds ridicu--
MP: A proposition, fool!
[the clip ends]
Mp: So... yeah. ...I say "fool" a lot.
[the camera cuts off]
[the camera turns back on at a concert in Station Square; the crowd is cheering]
[on the stage is Shade, Dark, and Red!]
[Dark is the lead guitarist, Shade is the drummer, and Red is bass]
Dark: (Ozzy Osbourne impression) Hello, Station Square! We're Rubber Goose, and I'm gonna eat the head off this bat!
[Red walks up to Dark, and whispers something to him]
Dark: Oh. Really? That sucks. (Ozzy impression) Well, there isn't a bat; so, we're just gonna play something for you! Yay!
[the crowd chants, "Free Bird!"]
Dark: Shade, Red? You wanna play some Free Bird for these folks?
Red: ...sure.
Shade: Why not?
Dark: ......... ALL RIGHT!
[just as they begin playing, the camera cuts off]
[it turns on back at the Dark Garden; Shade, Dark, and Red are in front of the camera]
Shade: Well, due to Lynyrd Skynyrd stuff, and copyrights, we can't show you us playing Free Bird.
Red: And because Dark did a stage dive, nobody catched him, and he got a concussion.
Dark: Elephants are bigger in person!
Shade: So, that's pretty much the whole tour. Hope you enjoyed it!
Red: Wanna show 'em one more clip?
Shade: ...sure.
(NOTE: This next clip is a preview clip for Episodes 48, 49, and 50, and was shown before the season finale was made public, so... yeah)
[cut to a black screen]
Announcer: Coming soon to computers...
[a clip of Shade Junior walking through some dark hallways is shown]
Ann: The conclusion of an epic journey...
[a clip of the MILKMAN singing "Live and Learn" plays]
Ann: And the end...
[a clip of Shade driving on the highway, just by himself, listening to Jaret Reddick's "Endless Possibility"]
Ann: ..of the Beta Avengers.
["OBJEcTION!!!" appears on-screen as Silver the hedgehog shouts it]
[cut to a courtroom; Silver is in the defense's bench]
Silver: This isn't the end yet! There's more to it than that!
["OBJECTION!!!" appears on-screen as someone else shouts it]
?: You seem mighty excited fer a hedgehog. Summin' wrong? Maybe it's the fact that me, yer prosecutor rival, is revealed in the season finale?
Silver: Why? Knowing you....
?: "Knowing me?" Y'all don't know me. 'Cause I, myself, am also a forgotten character. Not of this show, but... of SEGA.
[this character laughs as the screen fades to black]
Announcer: DCA Season 6 Finale... coming pretty damn soon.
[THE END. .....I know it wasn't that good. Bite me!]

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